"My husband doesn't love me enough - I just want to die"
I just want to die, and I tried suicide but was dead for only 4 min. I am in my third marriage, and he is 9 yrs younger then me. He says he loves me, but with his actions, I feel ugly and not worth a dime. I don't even want to look in the mirror. Guys that look at me on my web cam says how sexy I look and my husband just says you look ok. He has said he loves me but is not in love with me, I can't go though another break up or I know I will die. I have tried so much to make him look at me the way other men see me, but he can't. I am at the end of my rope and I feel like letting go. I am ready to throw in the towel on love for good. Where do I start?
It's not up to others to make you feel good. It's up to yourself. When you can love yourself and see the good and beauty in yourself, that's when life feels wonderful, and each day brings a new adventure that YOU get to give TO YOURSELF.
So, your challenge here is to allow yourself to see beauty, all around you. If you can't look in the mirror and see beauty, then that tells me that your eyes are focusing on what is not beautiful in life. How come? That's a choice. Remember the expression, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder? Well, that is absolutely 100% true. What you focus on is what you will see. There's a story about a pickpocket who, when he sees a saint walking down the street, all that he sees are his pockets.
Ram Dass similarly tells a story about someone walking down the street on the north shore of San Francisco, a grimy sort of area where all the nude girlie shows are, and this person was hungry, so all he noticed were the restaurants. He didn't even notice any of that other stuff going on. So, you see? It's all about what you CHOOSE to focus on.
And that's up to you to do for yourself. No one else can tell your eyes what to see but you.
So, to start with, are you willing to develop inner strength and to grow in this way? If so, I invite you to say this, three times a day, for the next 2 years:
Also, I invite you to place your hands over your heart 3 times a day, minimum, with eyes closed, and stay that way for at least 2 minutes, and say:
When in a dark room, symbolically speaking, you don't curse the darkness, or hide from it, or hide from others in shame, or blame anyone else, or look to anyone else for your salvation, or numb the fear of it by trying to find something external to dull the pain. You light a candle: you turn on the Light. That's called inner strength, or guidance, or wisdom, or right thinking, or supporting yourself to face your fears. So, what would that Light be, in this case? For you?
When you feel a fear or anxiety come up, just sit with it, face the dragon, so to speak, and say: "OK. This is just fear." And you let it come up and rise out of you, and you don't buy into it, but you say: "I recognize that this is not Truth, but fear. FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real. It presents itself to you as evidence, as if it is real, and says "Believe in me!", but it isn't true. It only seems real, but it isn't real." It's an illusion, a misbegotten belief that one has to see through. THE WAY OUT IS THROUGH. You have to go through your misunderstandings and see them for what they are, and create new beliefs that work well for you. That's how you face your fears and yourself honestly and squarely and gain inner strength over fear.
Here's one way to deal with a core issue, or belief, such as, "I'm ugly" or "I'm not loved" or "I'm not good enough"...
How to re-program an old belief:
- Own the fear or pattern. See how you react to a given situation - look at what you are afraid of. Ask: "What keeps me believing in that fear? What will happen if I let go of it? What is the pay off for keeping it? What do I get to do or not do if I keep the fear?"
- Decide if this pattern serves you anymore. Decide if you want to keep the program, or change it. If you decide to keep it, observe why, without judgment.
- If you decide to change it, decide what you want to change it to, exactly. Be specific. You must have a new belief, a choice for a new perception. If you choose to believe in a new reality, you eliminate fear.
- Put out your intention - what you intend to create. Say: "I intend to_____." You can even state how you will do it, step by step. Your intention must be followed by willingness.
- Ask Spirit, your Highest Self, for guidance or help to achieve the new intention. State your new reality in the form of "I Am_____."
- Now, most importantly allow yourself to FEEL very clearly and strongly what it would FEEL like to operate out of and have that new belief in your life. What would you FEEL? Let that feeling flow into every cell of your body.
Intention, or a new thought form, plus emotion creates the transformation into new ways of being and brings about the new pattern you are choosing.
"E - Motion" means: deep feelings are the Energy that puts things into Motion. Got that?
I invite you to order and use the emerald green Aura-Soma pomander product, which is for finding your own space, and going to the heart of things. You apply it to the body. Also, I'd order the number 3 equilibrium oil, which is for nurturing communications from the heart. It is for those who have difficulties with decisions and with making space to do what one needs to do for oneself. It may also have to do with difficulties that came from a lack of nurturing from the mother and/or father. Shake this bottle and then rub it on the entire chest area in a wide band that goes form the collar bone down to the lowest rib, both in front and on your back. Order these at email@example.com.
I also invite you to read the book, The Dragon Doesn't Live Here Anymore, by Alan Cohen. Will help you a lot.
So, here's a place to start. The rest is up to you.