Trans4mind Home Page
~ A Journey of Self-Discovery ~

Looking for a better life?

Our online, interactive video workshops present the most effective methods of holistic personal development, combined with personal support from expert life coaches.

Transforming the Mind ~ by Peter Shepherd



Toxic Relationships

Along the same lines as the 'Toxic Parents' Procedure, the enmeshment with past or current relationships, such as with a lover, spouse, close friend or work colleague, may be examined with respect to Beliefs, Emotions and behaviors, along the lines of Rational-Emotive Therapy. As with parents, there are inevitably conflicts between what seemed best to the other person in the relationship, and what is needed and wanted by you. You may be in touch with some of your emotions, but on other issues, you may feel the need to protect yourself from the intensity of your emotions by burying them.

Step 1. Person Addressed

The first action is to make a list of the people with whom you have had relations of one sort or another, and address the following procedure towards the person who brings up the strongest emotions.

Step 2. List One: Emotions

The checklist is divided into four groups: guilt, fear, sadness and anger. You are looking for automatic, reactive, negative emotions - the ones that usually cause self-defeating behaviors. The statements in the following list are read out, and statements that ring as true are noted.

In your relationship with (Person), which of the following statements is true for you, now or in the past?

1. I feel guilty when I don't live up to (Person's) expectations.

2. I feel guilty when I do something that upsets him/her.

3. I feel guilt when I go against his/her advice.

4. I feel guilty when I get angry with him/her.

5. I feel guilty when I disappoint (Person).

6. I feel guilty when I hurt his/her emotions.

7. I feel guilty when I don't do enough for him/her.

8. I feel guilty when I don't do everything he/she asks me to do.

9. I feel guilty when I say no to him/her.

10. I feel scared when (Person) yells at me.

11. I feel scared when he/she is angry at me.

12. I feel scared when I'm angry at him/her.

13. I feel scared when I have to tell (Person) something he/she may not want to hear.

14. I feel scared when (Person) threatens to withdraw his/her love.

15. I feel scared when I disagree with him/her.

16. I feel scared when I try to stand up to him/her.

17. I feel sad when (Person) is unhappy

18. I feel sad when I know I've let (Person) down.

19. I feel sad when I can't make (Person's) life better for him/her.

20. I feel sad when (Person) tells me I've ruined his/her life.

21. I feel sad when I do something that I want to do and it hurts (Person).

22. I feel sad when (Person) doesn't like my friends.

23. I feel angry when (Person) criticises me.

24. I feel angry when (Person) tries to control me.

25. I feel angry when (Person) tells me how to live my life.

26. I feel angry when (Person) tells me how I should feel, think, or behave.

27. I feel angry when (Person) tells me what I should or shouldn't do.

28. I feel angry when (Person) makes demands on me.

29. I feel angry when (Person) tries to live his/her life through me.

30. I feel angry when (Person) expects me to take care of him/her.

31. I feel angry when (Person) rejects me.

Further instances may be elicited by completing the sentence:

'Regarding (Person), I feel guilty when .....', and similarly for other emotions.

Alternative emotions may also be elicited by completing the sentence:

'When I don't live up to (Person's) expectations I feel...', and similarly for the other situations above.

Step 3. Release

Use the Procedure for Releasing to focus on, experience and finally release the most moving or strongly felt emotion from Step 2.

Step 4. List Two: Beliefs

The second checklist identifies beliefs that underlie one's emotions. The statement corresponding to the most moving or strongly felt emotion from Step 2 is read out, followed by 'because ....' and then each of the following Beliefs:

(emotion statement from Step 2) because:

1. It is up to me to make (Person) happy.

2. It is up to me to make (Person) proud.

3. I am (Person's) whole life.

4. (Person) couldn't survive without me.

5. I couldn't survive without (Person).

6. If I told (Person) the truth, it would kill him/her.

7. If I stand up to (Person), I'll lose him/her forever.

8. If I say how much (Person) hurts me, he/she will cut me out of his/her life.

9. I shouldn't do or say anything that would hurt (Person's) emotions.

10. (Person's) emotions are more important than mine.

11. There's no point in talking to (Person) because it wouldn't do any good.

12. If (Person) would only change, I would feel better about myself.

13. I have to make it up to (Person) for the things I've done wrong.

14. If I could just get (Person) to see how much he/she is hurting me, I know he/she would be different.

15. (Person) must not have any control over my life.

16. I can't stand (Person's) behavior.

17. All men/women are like (Person).

18. Because??? (Is there some other belief that underlies this emotion?)

Step 5. Seeing the Connection

The emotion and underlying belief are then repeated as a whole statement, e.g. 'I feel guilty when I do something that upsets him/her because I shouldn't do or say anything that will hurt (Person's) emotions'. Any further emotions that emerge are handled by the Procedure for Releasing.

Step 6. List Three: behaviors

Having recognized relevant emotions and beliefs, behavior patterns can now be addressed:

Does (the connected statement from Step 5) lead to any of the following behaviors?

1. Tending to give in to (Person) no matter how you feel.

2. Not telling him/her what you really think.

3. Not telling him/her how you really feel.

4. Acting as if everything is fine between you even when it isn't.

5. Being phoney and superficial when you're with (Person) .

6. Doing things out of guilt or fear, rather than out of free choice.

7. Trying very hard to get him/her to change.

8. Trying hard to get him/her to see your point of view.

9. Becoming the peacemaker between you and (Person).

10. Making painful sacrifices in your own life to please him/her.

11. Having to bear (Person's) secrets.

12. Trying to prove to (Person) that you're right.

13. Doing things you know (Person) won't like to show him/her that you're independent.

14. Screaming at (Person) to show that he/she can't control you.

15. Restraining yourself to keep from attacking (Person).

16. Cutting (Person) out of your life.

Step 7. Complete the Procedure

Go back to Step 2 and see if there are other strongly felt emotions regarding your relationship with this Person and handle these in the same manner, until you really feel released from any bad emotions, however much you might have previously been suppressing them. And clear your relationship with other people on your list at Step 1.

Move on to The Dilemma

Return to Transforming the Mind - Contents

Visit the INSIDE-OUT Blog
Wallace Huey & Peter Shepherd
Imagine if - with the help of personal development - the values of the heart could be brought into our families, communities and businesses... What kind of a world would this create?
By Wallace Huey & Peter Shepherd, Trans4mind Founders

Support your personal development with these popular and effective hypnosis downloads...

  • Sweet Tooth ~ Train your brain to lose your sweet tooth.
  • Finish What You Start ~ Sprint all the way past the finish line.
  • Do It Now ~ A hypnosis audio to trigger deep, emotionally driven activity.
  • Life Priorities ~ Hypnosis can help you clarify what really matters to you.
  • Stop Thinking About Someone ~ A session to help you move on from thoughts that have been constantly pestering you.
  • Public Speaking Fear ~ Banish speaking anxiety and nerves with hypnosis.
  • Motivate Yourself to Exercise ~ Build a powerful exercise habit that you can't break.
  • Get Rid of Fear & Anxiety ~ Stop worry and apprehension wrecking your life.
  • Self Esteem ~ Break the negative trance of low self esteem and give yourself a chance in life.
  • Create Your Own Reality ~ Use the power of your unconscious mind to transform your life.
  • Deeper Self Respect ~ Use hypnosis to connect with your true inner worth.
  • Detach From Fear ~ Tune out nervousness and anxiety with hypnosis.
  • Improving Concentration and Focus ~ Learn how to discipline, direct and command your mind to improve your performance.
  • Exercise Motivation ~ Give you powerful keys to getting back on track with your exercise - and staying there.
  • Overcoming Shyness ~ Provides an invisible security blanket allowing you to develop social ease and overcome shyness.
  • Quick Confidence Booster ~ An audio hypnosis session that's specifically designed to get you (quickly!) back on track.
  • Stop Negative Thoughts ~ Learn powerful hypnotic techniques to stop negative thoughts before they start.
  • Overcoming Procrastination ~ Let hypnosis help you get on with what you need to do, when you need to do it. Let nothing hold you back.
  • Think Thin ~ Use hypnosis to re-train your brain and lose weight naturally... that's how to get and stay slim.
  • Fall Asleep Fast ~ Relearn how to fall asleep fast and enjoy a good night's sleep.
  • The Next Level ~ Designed to radically boost your performance in any field. It's based on a technique used by top athletes and other successful people to help them make a big stride forward.
This is our selection of favorites, but there's a session for every need! Choose from over 800 Hypnosis Downloads...
Search now on an issue that interests or concerns you...

View all the Hypnosis Downloads here

Get a free Hypnosis Download at Facebook

Welcome to the New Wave in Meditation Technology

Click here to learn more about the iAwake Profound Meditation Program
The iAwake Profound Meditation Program
is a way of enhancing your meditation practice, making meditation not only easier and more enjoyable, but also more efficient and effective.
Profound Meditation provides the smoothest, deepest, richest, most profound meditation experience available anywhere...
Here is a link to a free 20-minute track from iAwake Technologies - a sample of the type of tools that will deepen your meditation immediately and help you quickly become a successful meditator. It's the opening track of iAwake's flagship product, the Profound Meditation Program, called the iAwake Experience...
Learn More and Download the iAwake Experience
I think you'll find this technology a tremendous aid on your transformative journey of becoming your best and most creative self - and you can get started today!
Copyright © 1997-2017 Trans4mind Ltd