The practicalities of survival must have put you face to face with the realities of this somewhat crazy world in which we live, and that of course puts you equally face to face with your case: the reactivation of aspects of your life which you'd rather ignore.
Perhaps I can help you see the light at the end of the tunnel by describing what I think are the issues that concern a spiritual Being attempting to operate in a material world.
The downward spiral.
Natively, the Being makes postulates, ie he creatively causes an effect. If he is in control of the space or universe that he is viewing, the postulates happen, they cause an effect. This is a lonely life however. This is also somewhat hypothetical, since it is not the world in which we live, but it is familiar to us in the world of our dreams, especially in the more conscious world of lucid dreaming.
To make life more interesting, the Being becomes involved with other Beings in a game scenario, and there are agreements about the scope of acceptable postulates. This is to maintain the game scenario, which is the universe in which he is operating. Postulates that affect other Beings, such as through communicating desire or intention, or initiating actions towards individual or shared goals, are relatively free, limited by agreed-upon rules. They are much less limited than those that affect the matter, energy, space and time of the game scenario, because these are generally the barriers of the game, like a playing field. The Being adopts a game involving various challenges because to do so is fun (perhaps more fun than things just happening). It's not serious or solid because it's a knowing game with freely accepted freedoms, obstacles and purposes.
Then things may go wrong. In this world, the agreements about matter, energy, space and time are very solid. The agreements are forgotten, we just find ourselves here in material bodies, and we are given very strong indications that the body is our identity - who we are. Postulates that contradict the material agreements simply don't happen. So to make anything happen in this world one has to use effort and cycles of action: start - continue - complete. At least, that's how it seems; in fact there are freedoms and ways in which one may be directly causative, eg telepathically communicating with others, but the tendency is to be overwhelmed by the solidity of things and the necessity for survival of the body in this context.
The Being may build up bypassed charge (frustrated intention) when others do not duplicate his communication; when he does actions that others cannot confront or be willing to experience; when he justifies these actions and solidifies a self-rightness by doing the actions again; when others try to impose a change of direction on him or give wrong indications (by evaluation, invalidation or false information) that cause him to introspect; when he considers others are opposing him and forgets it is he who is opposing for purposes of game. These things all cause confusion - his intention is not working - and the charge is built upon lies, basically non-confronts of the truth of what exists. As the charge builds up he moves downtone, from enthusiasm through boredom to anger, fear, grief and apathy. His problems solidify. His identity becomes stuck in his ways of being right, and he loses understanding of those he is opposing, who he thinks are opposing him. He can no longer love and is no longer just naturally right - he must be right. He has lost integrity.
In the face of this charge - the ridges he has built up in self-defense - he finds a safe solution. He adopts a lowered goal and a lowered identity to achieve it, with lowered ethics. He finds a suitable Why to justify this change, not based on rational judgment but on fixed viewpoints (the justifications mentioned above).
And this cycle continues, until eventually he finds himself opposed to his original goals and in conflict with his true self. A normal human being.
The most advanced approach to personal spiritual discovery and the enhancement of consciousness applies the techniques of 'The Insight Project' - meaning "to transcend or rise above programming."
This is an in-depth exploration of the belief systems that make up the various facets of your personality, and therefore determine your identity (and hidden conflicting identities) and corresponding life goals. The intuitive wisdom of the emotions is accessed using simple biofeedback equipment, providing a path to full realization of the Higher Self - the spiritual power of life, love and truth.
You will find online a full introduction to the subject, which explains how it is possible for you to re-discover the Higher Self - that is, the real you. From the more objective, bird's-eye view that is the Higher Self, it becomes possible to rise above the programming imprinted by the experiences and cultural conditioning of your current lifetime and beyond, as well as the programs genetically inherited. These insights bring wisdom: acceptance and understanding. One is no longer limited to an ego-centric identity, in contrast to one's true potential of unlimited love, life and truth.
"In my view, The Insight Project is without doubt the safest, soundest and most powerful method of self-development available. After searching for countless years and unsuccessfully trying many different approaches, I've finally found my path. Peter's personal coaching has made possible for me to achieve in a few months what I thought would take a lifetime." --E. Espinar-Mick (USA)
The Insight Project is a set of analytical procedures that you apply to yourself, with the aid of biofeedback monitoring, in order to differentiate the spiritual part of your being from the mental and physical. Discover your Higher Self and its capability of Full realization.
The course is delivered in PDF format and Part I - Meta-Programming costs US$ 297.00 including unlimited support from Peter Shepherd by email. It is necessary to use a GSR biofeedback monitor to do The Insight Project: we recomend the InnerTrac™ Emotional Response Indicator, in our opinion the best.
The normal state of the world around us is as 6. above. We strive towards fulfilling our suppressed postulates by sex, food, effort, emotion and thinking. Our stable data are fixed ideas along the lines of imposed conditioning - through traumatic experiences, bypassed charge, identification with the genetic animal and all its instincts, cultural influences, and a case structure as above: stuck problems linked to unachieved goals, in this life and past lives. Life is serious, solid, heavy. Thinking is "them and us", based on compulsive rightness of identity - safe solutions to unresolveable problems. Games are stuck and unknowing. One is unhappy and at effect, at least in the area of one's true goals. One is stuck in fixed identities and failed purposes - one no longer knows who one is.
The only way that I know of to resolve this impasse is through examining what is with ruthless honesty, which is what individual analysis should be (but isn't necessarily - it too can be used as a safe solution, hoping to justify ways of being right, but then it never arrives anywhere). Used with integrity, the tools of individual analysis (viz. The Insight Project) can help one to see, bit by bit, the truth. To gain understanding (consisting of empathy; duplication of what is; and good communication) in those areas where one had shut off one's vision.
By increasing understanding one is increasing awareness of truth, and then in life one needs to actually confront what is (ie face it with equanimity) and take responsibility. This is the second place where individual analysis can break down. Without actually confronting and taking responsibility, the session insights may be forgotten and the body-mind programming (the habit patterns of many years) may take over again. Without such integrity of application, even extensive work on ourselves can become a charade. Individual analysis, then, if done honestly, enables a re-education, a new understanding, and the application of this regained awareness through increased confront and responsibility.
With increased awareness and confront in life of what was previously avoided, and then taking responsibility, it is possible to regain causation in life. One is motivated to complete cycles of action because one has recovered one's true identity and is aware of one's own goals. What were previously heavy and serious problems are now games to enjoy. One is truly happy with renewed purposes in life. Others are not enemies but either team mates or competition, who make the game more interesting and from whom one can learn - from what they do right and what they do wrong. Without fixed ways of being right, one too can learn both from things that go right and from one's mistakes.
Life, love and truth become one's operating basis.
The way I see it, all experience is for learning, and when you've learnt the lesson that experience offers then you can move on. Provided you have learnt the lesson, and not got serious/solid/heavy about it and justified your ego - otherwise it haunts you till you have really learnt the lesson (which is karma). A bad action remains to haunt you until you have learnt its lesson. It seems you keep coming back to life on earth (the cycle of rebirth) until you have learnt the lessons that life here offers.
Usually the lesson is that life is a game and if you can see it like that, the problem disappears - you're left with obstacles to overcome, but not with the solidity - at cause rather than at effect.
A friend recently wrote to me about her young daughter, and how great it was to be around her. The little girl, relatively unreactivated and untainted by conditioning, lives in a beautiful world of dreams and play. What life could/can be for all of us, I guess, when reactivation and imposed conditioning has been resolved.
So the gist of my message is that work on The Insight Project, if carried out with integrity, would help any person to recover motivation, rehabilitate their peak experiences and validate the truths that they know. The stupidities of this world don't go away but one can see them in a different light.
I realize how frustrating it sometimes is when you are aware of the discrepancy of what you can be and what you are being (most people of course are not aware of that). The answer for me, and the most workable answer that I am aware of, is to take down the goal problem structures that cause this discrepancy. It's not easy but it is a game in itself and therefore can be immensely rewarding.