I was being fussy about the type of job I would accept. In the meantime, my husband asked if I would consider working with him, so he would be able to get on the road and develop the business faster. I agreed; so here we are 17 years later.
The business has had it's ups and downs, and has changed over the 17 years. The stress of the business has also taken a toll on my health. For the last few years I have been pulling out of the business and am now doing very little paper work, amounting to maybe a day a week. My husband also has the business up for sale, as he would like to semi-retire.
I on the other hand have been trying to develop a business in the holistic healing field. Having done a lot of work on myself, and having taken many courses, it is something I enjoyed and people started asking me if I would do treatments for them, so I thought I might make a business of it. To make a long story short, it has been a struggle. I find that even though people would like something they are not always willing to pay for the service. As much as I would love to just volunteer my work, unfortunately I need to make a living.
So now I am thinking that I should find a job, maybe part time. Here is my difficulty, CONFIDENCE! It's been 17 years, since I've had to job hunt. My references from previous jobs are in a different town, also they are old, and the supervisors have either moved on or retired. I am having difficulty believing I can convince someone about my work ethic. I seem to be looking at jobs that are below my potential. Partly as I want something that is not stressful. I have a diploma in Human Resources - however, I don't know if I would hire myself!
When we charge money for such activity it interferes with the purity of our giving because our giving is not selfless. The result, more often than not, is that the "business" never really gets going and a lot of effort is wasted because the "business owner" is always working against people's natural resistance to pay for something so pure.
To make an analogy imagine that you asked for a cup of tea and a waiter in a restaurant handed you a cup of tea, you would be delighted. You would gladly pay for such a service. Now imagine if, in the same restaurant, you asked for a cup of water and they gave you a cup of water but it had a little bit of tea in it and was discolored. You would not want to accept this water and you would not wish to pay for it either. Now imagine if you asked for a cup of water and the waiter gave you a cup of pure water, you would be delighted - but if he charged you for the water you would be unwilling to pay. In this analogy the cup of tea represents work which has an ego motivation, i.e. personal material gain (the tea in the water). The cup of discolored water represents something with pure heart energy but mixed up with a little bit of ego motivation - it is unacceptable as either tea or water. The cup of pure water represents an offering given with pure Love, unsullied by ego motivation. Everyone in the world likes to take such a drink, indeed we would all die without it!
Consequently the approach I recommend and one more likely to lead to success, is to pursue activities like the holistic healing arts, counseling and life coaching is as a public service, offered out of Love, the only charge being for material objects such as meditation CDs etc and expenses. Your time is given free of charge. The appropriate way to pay your bills in such a case is to get a part-time job, perhaps combined with ongoing unearned income from investments that are maturing. If you are still underpowered financially consider cutting back on your expenditure by reducing your desires and leading a simpler life. This is often easy to accept because you will gain such joy and success from your freely offered public service that a simpler life will become attractive and not a burden.
Another alternative, if you are within a marriage and you both share the value of public service, is for one partner to continue working in a paid capacity (supported in their work by the other partner) while the second partner does the public service activity (supported financially and in their work by the first partner). In this arrangement the partner who is supporting the marriage with paid employment and accepting a smaller joint income because their partner is not in paid employment is, by this sacrifice, empowering the other partner to engage in public service. Such an arrangement will bring a wonderful feeling of shared purpose and meaning because the marriage is being used to serve the higher purpose of offering unconditional Love to the world at large. The result is that both partners grow in Love and Unity.
I feel sure you are taking the right path by getting a part-time job. Your intuition is now guiding you along the right path.
Now let us address the issue of confidence. Having confidence is the prerequisite for taking up any activity. However confidence can wax and wane and does tend to wane if we have inner conflict about the path ahead. You feel uncertain about taking on a job with the level of responsibility you had 17 years ago, before you started working for your husbands business. Why not accept your reticence - maybe it is telling you something about the appropriate level of responsibility for you at the present time. After all you say you need a job that is not stressful.
In my opinion this is your inner guidance warning you, through impressions of unease you are feeling in your body, about the dangers of pursuing a job with a demanding level of responsibility. Why not listen to these feelings? You are experiencing inner conflict because you have beliefs about the kind of job you should be doing - one with more pay and perhaps more status! Always hold your beliefs lightly and be prepared to change them as your inner guidance changes, in response to changing circumstances. You are 17 years older now than when you were in a job. You are emerging from a period of prolonged exposure to stress at work. You may need different qualities from your work experience. You may feel drawn to do other things along with a low stress part-time paid job - like your healing work - given as a public service? You may need to take life at a different and slower pace.
An exercise that will help you tune into inner guidance
I suggest you dim the lights some evening and lie down in silence. After centering yourself and relaxing, imagine you are going into a high pressure human resources or similar type job. Feel the tension build in your body as you do this. Go to each place of felt tension and ask this tension what it is there to teach you. Listen and remember whatever comes to mind. Next imagine yourself entering into a simple low stress job - notice how this feels. If your body is more relaxed ask these relaxed feelings in your body what they are there to teach you. Remember whatever comes into your mind from both these exercises. Now with these insights intact ask yourself what beliefs you need to change so that the beliefs you hold about yourself are appropriate to where you are in your life today. When you have done that emerge from you reverie and write your new beliefs down along with any insights you may have had. Let these be your guide.
Further Help and Resources
I feel your inner guidance is coming through and you are listening to it - but that you do not yet fully trust it. This lack of trust in your inner guidance is, I suggest, the root cause of your lack confidence. For that reason I strongly suggest you order my book, Unfold Your Wings and Watch Life Take Off because after reading it you will have a renewed understanding of what it means to live your life by surrendering to inner wisdom. With that understanding that will come a quiet inner confidence and a feeling of being at home in a body and mind free of tension and conflict.