How can I discern what my inner guidance is telling me about an important decision ahead?
What I don't know is: Would it be wrong if I stay alone and continue with the new job (although I feel a kind of an uncertainty in myself), or should I follow my partner (who wasn't always good and doesn't understand my spiritual soul) and maybe harbor regret for not having a life of my own. When I decide to leave him and take this job, I instantly feel panic around being alone, and huge uncertainty with the question "What if I wouldn't be strong enough for this new job?"
On the other hand when I decide to stay with him and not to take this new job - I feel miserably unhappy, and except for the feeling that "I have someone to count on" I know I am never going to be really happy. And what is interesting, I also dream about the perfect soul mate (which he is not). Still, he is a good person and I love him. And as it is my life, my path, I know I must make the decision of my own accord. However, I would really appreciate good advice, or maybe some sparkle of intuition....
You are doing the right thing in imagining both outcomes separately and checking out how each imagined future influences your inner guidance. You are paralyzed at present because you are unable to discern the meaning of the feelings you are experiencing.
When you imagine staying with your partner you feel miserably unhappy, and except for the feeling that "I have someone to count on" you know you are never going to be really happy. This means that he is not your soul mate. In addition you are dreaming of finding a soul mate. This is a need you have. Given that - is there enough of a foundation for a relationship with your current partner? Of course after your illness you may need a lot of personal support - I cannot tell. This current relationship may be right to get you through a weakened state that you are in at present. That is for you to decide. However the indication - regardless of whether you stay or leave - is that this is not the right relationship for you in the longer term.
When you imagine leaving your partner and going for the job you instantly feel panic around being alone, and huge uncertainty with the question "What if I wouldn't be strong enough for this new job?" These feelings mean that you are afraid of being alone and afraid of exploring your potential as a human being.
So now you know what these feelings mean the choice is yours. I now want you to take a position independent of either choice. Detach from both positions and the various emotions involved and ask yourself which direction is right for you now at this point in your life - to learn to be alone and explore your potential or to stay where you are in your life and in yourself?
If you do want to explore your potential and are still paralyzed with fear I suggest you move in the direction of realizing your potential and as you do this find a quiet place where you can express these fears through art, body work, music, sharing them with a friend or other appropriate method. If you express and release your fears in this way, then by moving toward your potential you will grow markedly as a person. For a while your life will seem more chaotic and stressful but as you move through your fears you will eventually discover you have not only realized your dream but also found a deeper more durable inner calmness and maturity.
Further Help and Resources
If you want to know how to move toward your dream and express the fears you have that are connected with this journey I strongly recommend my book Unfold Your Wings and Watch Life Take. It will give you tools for releasing painful emotions and guidelines on fulfilling your potential as well as lots of insights into how to discern and trust inner guidance.
With A Natural Process for Opening the Heart, Doris Jeanette shows you how to accept and love your authentic emotional self, give up guilt and judgment and come to terms with your own power and energy. The results are more self-confidence, security and maturity. That can only help in your situation.
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