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Can I carry on a friendship with my best friend who I had sex with before I met my husband, when my husband is now objecting to our friendship?


Question
I am married to a man, who in the beginning of our relationship requested that I see less of my best friend. My best friend is of a similar age, he is male, and about 6 years prior to meeting my husband, we had been sexually involved for a maximum of 4 weeks.

Apparently I spoke a lot of him when I met my husband. We were very close and we had lived together for about 6 months. We were like family as we were in London on working holidays from Sydney. I don't recall speaking a lot about my best friend, although most of my stories probably involved him as we spent most of our time together. I don't believe I spoke a lot about him, but my husband - my boyfriend at the time - thought that I did. He asked if I had been sexually involved, and I told him the truth.

When my boyfriend said he'd like me to see less of my best friend, I felt the need to share a secret that my best friend had shared with me and only one other friend. My best friend had recently 'come out' to me, meaning he was gay. He wanted it to be kept secret, as he had not decided to accept it, more for family reasons than anything else. He was super paranoid about it. By telling my best friend about it, I had broken his trust in me. It made no difference to my boyfriend, who still insisted that I would eventually sever the friendship I had with my best friend.

To cut a long story short, we argued a lot over this. I was adamant that a friend should remain a friend. However, because I shared my best friend's secret with my husband, my best friend is now not talking to me. I still think about my best friend, and have tried a few times in the last year to send an email but he has not responded. I'm scared though, that if we do start up the friendship again, I may upset the relationship I have with my husband.

I have not spoken about this issue with my husband for over a year now, to keep the peace. I don't want to resent my husband for the rest of my life. What can I do? Have I done the right thing?

Wallace's reply
Wallace
You need to ask yourself - Where does my primary loyalty lie, with my best friend or with my husband? I would also ask you to understand that having sex with someone changes the dynamic of that relationship - that is one of the reasons why, in more circumspect times, sex outside marriage was discouraged.

I can understand your husband's reticence. One of the vital skills within a marriage is to be able to put yourself in your partner's shoes and see the situation from his/her perspective. Ask yourself this question... If the situation was reversed and your husband wanted to continue to see his best friend and that best friend was a person who he had lived with for 6 months, felt very close to, spoke a lot about and had sex with - how would you feel?

I feel that with your best friend's reluctance to reply to your emails, the situation is resolving itself.

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