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How can I stop reacting angrily to my husband and to other people?

heart to heart
I know I have an anger problem, yet I have not been able to break it. I constantly find myself reacting vs. responding and just don't know the strategy I need to get rid of the anger or even where it comes from? I am a very happy, self-fulfilled individual, so why is anger controlling me? My husband (26 years) says I'm negative, but many times I feel I am just expressing my opinion and who else can I express it to?
Wallace's reply
Wallace The root cause of anger lies in an unwillingness to accept life as it is. You want to manipulate, cajole and bully others to agree with yourself. There is no excuse for anger. Its motive is selfish.

As for a strategy, I suggest you start with the relationship with your husband. When your husband says or does something and you feel anger, I want you to hesitate and breath deeply. Count to 10 slowly and as you do so take your attention away from the thing that you reacted angrily towards and turn it inward to your heart - where love resides. Once you are calm and focused on your Spiritual Heart (at the hollow in the center of your chest), speak with the tone and the words that come from there.

If you do this each time you feel anger with your husband, you will end up speaking to him with wisdom and love. Then extend this approach to all other people and situations. Your life will be transformed!

Julie Orr wrote in response to the above and the previous coaching session by Wallace Huey:

I have just received your latest newsletter and was scanning down the articles and was horrified to read the following: "The root cause of anger lies in an unwillingness to accept life as it is. You want to manipulate, cajole and bully others to agree with yourself. There is no excuse for anger. Its motive is selfish."--Life Coach

Not only do I disagree with this statement, but I find it dangerously destructive and think it was irresponsible for you to publish it. As a subscriber since Jan 05 I am actually very surprised to read this as part of your newsletter.

Anger is an emotion just like any other. There are no good or bad emotions, they just are. It's unexpressed emotions that cause us trouble. Anger that is repressed will eventually turn to rage and will seek expression one way or another. Often through illness of the physical body or through uncontrollable, often destructive outbursts.

It is what we do with, and how we express, the anger that's important. The energy of anger is usually about taking one's power back and is often present before making great changes. Some of the greatest humanitarian acts in the world have occurred because some brave people got angry and then used their anger in a positive way to make change.

It particularly pains me that this response was given to a woman. In our Western world it is far more acceptable for men to express anger. Women have the added challenge of owning the anger and finding an 'acceptable' expression of it. Let's not make it any harder.

And then there is this....
"When you are in a state of anxiety it is because you believe that: "I am this body. The world and other people are something separate from me - something outside of me - something threatening!" This belief that "I am this body" makes you weak and vulnerable. Why? Because the body is weak and vulnerable and you are identifying yourself with it."--Life Coach

"....the body is weak and vulnerable..." This belief is from a time when we lived in monasteries and convents and were taught that the flesh is weak and we needed to transcend the physical in order to reach God. THIS WAS THE OLD WAY. We are now required to bring spirit into the third dimension through our physical bodies. We used to be initiated in the temples and now life initiates us.

It is the adherence to this old belief, where people think they are meant to ignore the physical, that causes much imbalance and ungrounded behavior. Now, more than ever, we require strong physical bodies to contain the light that is pouring down on earth. Don't just take my word for it. Peter I'm sure you have access to some quality clairvoyants or spiritual teachers that will confirm this for you.

Peter, we are living in rapidly changing times and are going through a rebirth of spirit on earth. Wherever there is light the darkness will surely follow and it is particularly attracted to those that are working for the light. The more power you have the more appealing you are. My message to you is to be discerning (something we're all learning and not always easy as discernment is one of the highest spiritual arts) and to remember that because of your level of consciousness the darkness will find ever increasingly subtle ways to bring you down. They know you can't be easily fooled.

Peter Shepherd replies:
Thanks for making your points in response to Wallace Huey's advice. With his weekly feature, I do not wish to censure it. I feel he gives good advice in general. In this case too, though I also agree 100% with your alternative views. I feel they're both correct, it depends on how you look at it.

Anger is a negative emotion; it reflects resistance and non-acceptance of what is, based on frustration. You're equally correct in saying it is neither good nor bad and feeling one's anger should not be repressed. That frustration may be based on genuine objective understanding; in other words, anger may be justified; though anger as a negative emotion needs to be felt and then transcended into positive feelings. Anger + hate = harm; anger + love = help, like Jesus in the temple.

Regarding Wallace's second statement, I feel he's trying to make the point that exclusive identification with one's physical body implies separation of self from others and that this does not reflect the spiritual truth, and causes anxiety. The "weak and vulnerable" bit could be misleading, I agree, as though it may be a typical feeling it is not the truth. Religion has long denigrated the body, and its basic instincts, such as sexual ones, almost as an attempt to disempower the individual and to prevent the integration of mind, body and spirit that is necessary for our development. Your statements are correct; as a lightworker myself I know their truth. Just as the brain is necessary for thoughts to be translated into action, the chakras and the cells' DNA is necessary for connecting with and channeling the spiritual energies.

Note that I do sometimes publish articles that I don't agree with at all, because I wish people to be discerning, not just to accept everything coming from trans4mind as the words of their guru or such like. Actually a guru will do this too, to set the boat rocking. Discernment is difficult but vital on the path, as you say. But just because what a person says appears to be in error or misguided, doesn't mean that person is working against the light; it is the intention that is key - is the person motivated by love or by hate. Often a statement in error can nevertheless provoke a re-examination of assumptions and actually bring one closer to truth. The truth is a picture in many colors.

Wallace's response:
I appreciate Julie's comments and interest in protecting the integrity of what is written in the my coaching replies. When I give advice and suggestions it is tailored to the person making the enquiry - it is not necessarily meant for women in general. In this case I sensed that the person in question has an habitual angry reaction, which I am seeking to break with my advice.

However I stand by my statement that "The root cause of anger lies in an unwillingness to accept life as it is." Inner peace - which is what we all desire - comes from a deep acceptance of things as they are. We can if we wish still work to effect change, but we will always be more effective if we accept what is first. "You want to manipulate, cajole and bully others to agree with yourself." This piece of advice is aimed at this particular person in her situation with her reactive angry habit and represents how I saw her behavior from the information I was given in her email. "There is no excuse for anger. Its motive is selfish." This may be a hard pill to swallow for many people but is true in situations where the anger has hate or dislike as its motive - again this is how I see it from this woman's behavior as described in her email. Anger given from a motive of love has an entirely different quality - namely the ability to evoke change in another's behavior through shock and is essentially transformative and healing.

In the case of feelings of buried or repressed anger I recommend this be expressed through art, physical activity, or other means of expression which frees the anger and allows it to be expressed and released without harming others. Indeed I have written extensively about these methods in my book 'Unfold Your Wings and Watch Life Take Off' and also in advice I have given to other questions.

I also stand by my statement that "When you are in a state of anxiety it is because you believe that: 'I am this body. The world and other people are something separate from me - something outside of me - something threatening!' This belief that 'I am this body' makes you weak and vulnerable. Why? Because the body is weak and vulnerable and you are identifying yourself with it." Body identification is at the root of our frailty and feelings of weakness and inadequacy. Why is this? Because we identify changes and challenges in our environment as threats to our physical form. Instead we need to see the world with the inner spiritual eye. This eye sees only unity everywhere it looks. When we look out at the world with this eye what do we see - only our Self. How can we be afraid of our Self? How can we feel threatened by our Self? Such perception leads to feelings of invulnerability and immense strength?

This is not to deny the physical body - because its needs must be attended to, much as a temple or church building is attended to in order to express the tangible aspect of intangible God. Needless to say when a church or temple has an active and vibrant congregation who are benefiting from intangible God as expressed within the church, the building will be beautifully maintained. So too a person benefiting from the divine presence within will automatically take care of their body and not cause it to suffer abuse of any kind.

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