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Although it feels right for both of us is it unethical to split up with my incompatible husband?


heart to heart
Question
I'm currently going through a divorce and though I know in my mind and heart it's the right thing to do (we were so incompatible) it is still hard to mourn a marriage of 4 years and one's lost dreams; what makes it harder is having a 2 year old daughter, so that my soon to be ex husband and I have to keep seeing each other - that way it takes longer for the healing process and moving on to occur.

The good news is that he and I are amicable and friendly in our dealings for our child's sake and we forgive each other our mistakes and realize our incompatibility. We tried many times to make it work and failed. Now, we'd rather be friends for the child's sake than lose each other totally by staying together and hating each other because we used to have bad fights (though not physical) but hard because he has a bad temper and we have such different personalities and viewpoints on everything. We rushed into marriage because we thought we were in love; we never got to know each other properly. The first year was fine. The second year after we had the baby (though we both wanted a child) things got bad and went to worse. My husband became controlling and critical and remained that way ever since - until recently when we decided to be friends and co-parents if not partners.

My problem is that although I know in my soul that I want to leave him as a spouse (while keeping him as a friend and father to my daughter) and move on with my life; the problem is that though he says he knows in his heart that we're not meant to be either, he still has hopes sometimes of us going to a counselor to work things out. The trouble is I don't want to and he's gracious about accepting that - but I feel guilty as there's a child involved. Yet, I feel it's better for her to have parents living apart, amicably, as friends and both loving her - rather than living together and reaching a point where we feel we hate each other. I just could never be myself around him.

Is it ethically right for me to divorce him?

Wallace's reply
Wallace
Both you and your husband seem to be clear inwardly and know intuitively what the right action to take is - but you are finding it hard to reconcile this with your belief system, which probably includes some quite rigid beliefs about keeping promises you made and living up to your own ideals and religious convictions.

It is good and right to take our marriage vows seriously however there is something much more powerful than any vow or belief we hold - that something is inner guidance. Our inner guidance, which includes intuitions, conscience, insights, dreams, inspirations, creative ideas, night time dreams and supernatural guidance all work together to help us discern the correct path. To live our life guided from within we need to gradually empty our mind of all beliefs and ideals and instead surrender our decision making and our actions to this inner voice. This voice is the voice of Love and of God and always knows the best path for all concerned. All we need to hear it is a mind that is quiet and still because the inner voice emanates not from our mind but from our heart and soul.

So I would say to you and your husband to accept what your inner guidance is saying and not fret too much about going against any beliefs, ideals or convictions you hold about marriage. I also feel you are both being mature and responsible in keeping an amicable friendship going for your child's sake.

If you want to learn more about inner guidance and how it can save you from making serious errors in you life and in your relationships then I recommend my book, Unfold Your Wings and Watch Life Take Off.

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