Looking for a better life?
Trans4mind Training is our series of online, interactive video workshops, based on the life challenge questions we received over several years of Heart to Heart Coaching, like the one on this page.
The workshops incorporate the most effective methods of holistic personal development, combined with personal support from expert life coaches.
The human heart made visible.
How can I stop judging my family, accept them the way they are, and go forward in life?
About the Questioner
Philosophy: I am a Christian.
Hopes and aspirations: We are all striving to attain the true state of complete happiness.
I come from a family of 6 siblings and a mom and dad. Over the years my family have intervened detrimentally in my life. As a result I have fallen out with my entire family. As I grow older I find that I do not want to accept their betrayal, hatred and intervening in my life. But I do feel guilty about my feelings about cutting them off from my life. Christianity teaches me to forgive and forget, but how many times must I do this for them. Should I pursue my desire to be surrounded by people who genuinely love and care for me or must I give in and accept them the way they are - if I do this how do I go forward in life?
Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette
Thank you for your question about guilt and forgiveness. Families and betrayal. Your desire to be liberated is a wonderful goal and one that is attainable.
I also felt betrayed by my family once upon at time. However, my mother and father did not do anything "bad" to me. I was not abused or mistreated. So how could I possibly feel betrayed?
Many children with so-called loving parents feel betrayed. This is a fact that most parents cannot understand until they get in therapy, counseling or self-improvement.
When parents take a look inside, they discover that they passed on many of the unhealthy learning's they learned from their parents. These unhealthy learning's are defensive, reactive behaviors.
Defensive energy is composed of heavy, dark, dense energy. A good example of defensive energy is your story of closing your heart and blocking out your parents.
Parents are unaware of what they are doing. They are so anxious; they behave in extremely insensitive ways to their children. This is the reason you and I felt betrayed.
Christ said to forgive and forgive is what we must do. To be happy and healthy in this life you must forgive everyone and everything.
Forgiveness is an act of self-love that you do for yourself.
It does not have anything to do with the person who hurt you. To forgive, you must cease to judge and make your parents wrong and bad. It is that simple.
Your job is to stop your own judgments and stop passing them on to the next generation. When you stop judging your family, you will be liberated. Freedom is to live life without guilt and judgment.
There is a psychological law you need to know, understand and use to your advantage. "When you make your family wrong, you are also making yourself wrong."
So the trick you need to learn is how to give up making anyone wrong. Stop making yourself wrong. Stop making your family wrong. When you can do this, you will be liberated.
When you give up your judgments you, step away from your ego. Once your ego is out of the way, you can find the part of you that is hurt.
The feeling of betrayal is from the child's point of view. Therefore, you need to find, honor and heal the child inside of you who is hurt. When you do this, you will be opening your heart.
Betrayal can be subtle such as ignoring, not listening to, and not honoring parts of the child. Betrayal can be more obvious, such as manipulations, sexual abuse and physical abuse.
Parents betray their children:
- By being insensitive to their needs.
- By not protecting them from the other parent's harshness and judgment.
- Ignoring their body
- Ignoring their emotional self.
- By not connecting energetically with their soul.
This is the reason most of us end up feeling betrayed. Although our parents do not think they betrayed us, they did betray our deepest emotional needs and heart's desires.
Therefore to stop this pattern of betrayal, you need to honor your inner child's point of view. Then you can heal your emotional self. However, you also need to keep in mind that as a child you often misinterpreted the motives of your parent's behavior.
Since your parents intervened with your life, read the past column where I answered a woman's question about being bullied by her mother. Also read the columns about trust, forgiveness and emotional maturity.
The bottom-line is that you will suffer until you heal the wounds between you and your family. In order to block out your family, you closed your heart.
Closing your heart hurts you much more than it hurts anyone else. A closed heart will cause you emotional pain, mental pain and may result in physical disease.
It is in your best interest to open your heart and heal your wounds. However, do not rush toward your family until you have worked with a holistic psychologist to help you become strong enough to meet them as an equal.
It is not unhealthy that you are not so close to your family right now. However, it is unhealthy that your heart is closed to them. Thus, you need to begin to open your heart so you can heal your wounds. Then you will not let them hurt you again. You need to learn to:
- Protect yourself from any physical hurt they could do to you.
- Protect your emotional self from any emotional hurt they could do to you.
- Be assertive with them so they do not run over you.
- Not allow them to manipulate you.
- See them for who they are without making them wrong or bad.
- See yourself as you are without making yourself wrong or bad.
It is your job to stop passing on your unhealthy conditioning to the next generation. This means you must become conscious and aware of how insensitive you are to yourself.
See yourself shifting into self-love. Connect with your emotional self and protect her. If you love her and follow her, you will break free and be liberated.
Action Steps to Liberation
- Become strong. To meet your parents as equals you need to grow up and become stronger. You mention that you are divorced. The same issues that you have with your parents will continue to play out in your love relationships until you stop acting them out. Your closed heart will ruin all your relationships. Take the steps you need to become stronger. Use a holistic psychologist and emotional health coach to show you the way. Order "7 Steps to Becoming Stronger After a Divorce or Break Up" (13 pages; $9.97; PDF (Adobe Acrobat Reader) format).
- Give up guilt and judgment. Guilt and judgment create nasty thought forms that some people can sense, feel and see in the energy field around you. Look around your head. Become aware of them, own then and let them go. Read the free psychology article in the library on Guilt Free Living."
- Use Sound and Color Therapy. In the process of finding, loving and healing your emotional self you need to use Sound and Color Therapy to help you heal your heart and emotional body. If you want to know more about how emotions and colors are connected, pick up a free report, "Feeling Blue? Green or Golden? The Secret Power of Color." If you are ready to use Sound and Color Therapy order this special report and practice the exercises.
Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Dr. Doris Jeanette is a licensed psychologist in the USA with a new, colorful psychology. She mentors and trains people in emotional energy healing, sound and color therapy and body awareness. Check out her Nature Workshop in Hawaii, get an Opening the Heart phone consultation and sign up for her free holistic psychology newsletter at: "The Vibrant Moment
Read more questions on this topic