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My relationship ended because I did not trust my girlfriend not to kisses and hugs to other men like she does to me. What am I to do?

heart to heart About the Questioner
Philosophy: Muslim.
Hopes and aspirations: Become a rich man.
I work in a bank, last year I proposed to a girl in my bank branch. Our relationship ended because I did not trust her. Many times she gave me kisses and hugs, this increased my doubt. If she gives kisses or hugs then it means she gives kisses and hugs to other males. So in this one-year period there were a lot of clashes between us. Now the relationship ends because I never trust her. Now when I see her go to the bathroom or store, I think she goes and gives the kiss to another male. A lot of time I see that she goes to the bathroom and store after some male staff goes there. What am I to do? I am too upset and worried - but why do I feel bad at this type of situation?
Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette Doris Jeanette
Ah, loving relationships. Ah, sexual relationships. We cannot live without them and we cannot enjoy ourselves when we have a new relationship.

It is appropriate for you to feel bad. If you did not feel bad, then you did not care for your girlfriend or love her. So it is good you feel bad. Let me reassure you that your emotional pain has a purpose. Your current heartache will help you open your heart so you can find happiness.

You are young and have plenty of time to mend your broken heart. You can become emotionally secure and have meaning and purpose in your life. When your heart opens, you will enjoy many riches in your life. Opening your heart will move you forward on your spiritual path. Read past columns on emotional maturity, developing trust in relationships, opening the heart, surrendering and last issue's column on what to do after a break up.

You are a young man who cannot trust, relax and enjoy yourself in a loving, sexual relationship. I am sure there are many other men around the world in different countries who cannot cultivate and develop a loving relationship with a woman. This is a serious relationship problem.

When I read your question, I thought about the difference between men and women. In general, men do not enter therapy, coaching and take self-improvement courses until they have a painful relationship loss or an out of control sexual problem. On the other hand, women in general, do enter therapy, coaching and take self-improvement courses before, during and after they get a divorce or break up with their partner.

Women buy the majority of self-improvement books, self help audio and online courses. The majority of self-esteem, anxiety reduction, Assertiveness Training and nature workshop participants are women. Women are well educated. Thus, I encourage you and other men to get educated so you feel better and enjoy life more. Engaging in personal growth and transformation now will reap big rewards later in life.

Tips to happiness
Get the education you need so you can approach women with ease. With relationship coaching and the appropriate online courses, you can learn the relationship skill set that is required to attract women who want to be with you.

Then you need to put into practice your new interpersonal skills in real life. As you improve your ability to empathize and be intimate with women, you will develop a loving relationship with one of the women you are dating. You also need to learn how to make love to a woman with enough physical and emotional skill so that you please her sexually and emotionally. You need to please her so much that she does not have any desire to be with anyone else.

You need to be:

  1. Sure you love and care about her and are not just looking for hugs and kisses from her.
  2. Sensitive enough so that you know for sure she loves you and cares about you.
  3. Sensitive enough so that you know if you are pleasing her sexually or not.
  4. Sensitive enough so that you know if you are meeting her emotional needs or not.
Then you will be able to relax and enjoy the company of women in general and your lover in particular.

You put time and attention into making money and being successful. You also need to put time and attention into making love and being a better lover. Making love is a whole lot more than getting kisses and hugs from someone. Making love is the sacred act of creating and then sharing the energy of love. This requires a high degree of interpersonal skills. Good lovers are relaxed, loving, secure, open and self-confident.

The act of mending your broken heart will help you become more sensitive to yourself and to women. Lovers relate to each other by connecting heart to heart. Lovemaking is not serious and anxious. Lovemaking is playful and fun.

Trust is the foundation of all relationships
When trust is broken, or never established in the first place, a relationship cannot flourish and grow. Trust is the place where two people meet to make love. Without trust, you do not have love or lovemaking. Trust is a pre-requisite for sharing your heart and soul with another.

At the age of two years is when you learn to either trust or distrust the world you live in. If your parents are honest, reliable, and dependable and allow you freedom of expression, you develop trust. If your parents are dishonest with others, unreliable in relationship to you, do not meet your physical needs, ignore your emotional needs and inhibit your full body expressions, you learn to distrust your world.

Given the degree of distrust that you have, I would suspect that your parents are in the latter category. However, everyone needs more trust because it is the major ingredient that allows one to live a spiritual life in the material world. Trust is power. "Ask and ye shall receive." This universal law works in direct portion to the degree of trust you have. It does not work if you do not trust that you will receive.

Unfortunately, you learned not to trust the world you live in. Therefore, you need to recognize, own and stop the viscous circle of distrust that you are trapped in. You are:

  1. Projecting your distrustful past on your girlfriend.
  2. Looking for evidence to prove that she cannot be trusted.
  3. Creating evidence to confirm that she cannot be trusted. This could be imagined or created as a result or your distrusting behavior toward her.
  4. Concluding that you are right, she cannot be trusted.
This is your projection based on your past learning. You will always make your false belief come true by finding evidence to support your false belief. To change this pattern you need to find some energy in a person or in reality that you can trust. The energy of truth is very different from the energy of projection. If you can find someone or something to trust, the energy of truth will show you the way out of your helplessness.

What to trust?
The truth is the only thing you can trust. You need to trust yourself, your body, your emotions, your energy, your inner core and your soul. You can always trust the laws of nature, the universal laws and divine energy.

It is unwise to trust others to take care of you, to supply the missing pieces of your self-esteem or to be who you want them to be. You can only trust others to be themselves.

The best way to learn trust is to get a spiritual teacher, holistic psychologist, emotional health coach or human energy mentor to show you how to develop and cultivate a life based on trust.

Action Steps

  1. Replace distrust with healthy, trusting relationship skills. Find a qualified, seasoned and experienced professional and trust them to help you discover the difference in energy between truth and projection. You need to become sensitive enough so you can sense the energy of truth. Only then will you drop your false beliefs and become self-confident.
  2. Use your break up to become stronger. Now is the time to get educated in relationship skills. Read books, take online courses, and listen to self-help audio. The special report "7 Steps to Becoming Stronger After a Divorce of Break Up," $9.97 tells you exactly what to do to become stronger.
  3. Become a better lover. Learn the lovemaking skills you need to please women. You need to be able to relax with a woman, feel emotionally secure with a woman, be open and express your sexual and emotional feelings to her in a loving manner. Read this free psychology article on energy dynamics to help you become aware of how you could be pushing women away without knowing it.

Coaching copyright © 2011 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Dr. Doris Jeanette is a sex therapist and relationship coach with 35 years of experience helping men and women trust and open their hearts to love. She does sex therapy consultations on the phone or skype. Read the free psychology articles in her free library, take the online course, "For Men: Become a Better Lover" and sign up for her free holistic psychology newsletter at: "The Vibrant Moment."

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