Although I'm successful in my career, I don't really know what I want to be or to do... how can I find what my true goal in life is?
About the Questioner
Hopes and aspirations: Wish to reach to inner peace and happiness.
The second part of my problem concerns my emotional life. I just broke up with the one I've really loved from my heart and now I'm psychologically unstable. Throughout my whole life I was balancing between my heart and my mind, I'm a romantic person but also I'm a practical and ambitious one... although I don't know what I'm looking for but I need to be, now I'm in the surrender stage. I'm losing my work and everything in my life, please help me find myself.
In terms of your career, the reason you are losing your work is not mentioned. However, it sounds as if you are not able to relax and enjoy the success that you have achieved. This could be the reason you have lost your work. It is a universal law that you can lose what you have if you are not grateful for what you have.
This universal law may or may not be the reason you lost your work. In any case, you are putting yourself in lose-lose situations. You need to get out of this judgmental loop and learn how to move into a win-win mental state. Read past columns on lose-lose mental states, finding you, finding your goal and emotional maturity.
When you say you are in the surrender stage, this suggests that you are letting go of control. However, the emotional pain and psychological instability that you are experiencing tells you that you are not allowing yourself to enter the surrender stage of transformation.
The pain that you experience is giving you reliable feedback that you are still holding on and trying to control yourself and the outcome. When you experience physical or emotional pain that does not go away and lessen, this means you are stuck in resistance. The majority of physical and emotional pain is due to resistance.
Resistance is when you tighten up your body and avoid your feelings and emotions. This creates unnecessary pain because you are prolonging and avoiding the natural process of feeling and becoming more aware. Therefore, you have not yet surrendered. Instead, you are holding on and resisting.
I have discovered over the 35 years I have been teaching people how to let go of their resistance, that they hold on when they are afraid and anxious. People do not hold on and try to control their energy in this way unless they are scared.
Thus you need to reduce your anxiety and address the reality of your fears before you can surrender. Reducing your anxiety and learning how to use fear to help you become stronger is a pre-requisite for surrendering.
When your anxiety is lower, you will then be able to follow the example of the Greek hero, Odysseus. When he lost all his ships and all his men, he threw himself down on the earth and wept with all his body and heart. He let go and expressed his emotions fully.
Being relaxed is the opposite of being resistant and controlling. This is the reason I often recommend learning how to relax. You need to participate in experiential relaxation therapy, body-based anxiety reduction lessons and healthy emotional expression.
I recommend that you get a spiritual teacher, emotional health coach and take a course in how to reduce your anxiety. When you are more relaxed, you will let go of control and enter the surrender stage of transformation.
In the meantime, here is a holistic psychology article with more on letting go in the free library at drjeanette.com: http://www.drjeanette.com/lettinggo.html
Now let us address the universal heartache of the broken hearted.
Due to your relationship problems, you are experiencing psychological problems. You are broken hearted and looking for an end to your heartache.
A divorce or break up is one of the most traumatic events that can happen to your heart. Once you love someone and place your trust in them, it is extremely painful to have the energy cords between you torn apart.
When you fall in love, beautiful, loving energy cords are created between you and your beloved. They sparkle, radiate and glow. When you break up with your partner or get a divorce these cords are often torn apart and damaged in some fashion.
Of course, it is possible to separate from someone without trauma and damage. Sometimes people need to leave their marriage or loving relationship due to lifestyle, personal growth and life purpose. In this case the two people are moving forward and the relationship needs to change to help them flourish and grow.
When a healthy relationship is in transformation, the two people experience natural pain and grief. However, they do not experience the trauma and drama of damaged and torn energy cords. This is because the trust in their relationship is not broken. They respect and love each other as their relationship transforms.
Unfortunately, when most people get divorced or separate, they do not honor the love between them. Instead, they break the love bond and destroy the trust. They blame, attack, criticize and seriously hurt each other. When the trust in a relationship is broken it creates deep emotional wounds.
It is your deep emotional pain that you need to address. You will become weaker if you avoid your pain. You will become stronger if you fully experience your pain. You will be in transformation if you embrace your pain and receive the message your heart is sending you. It is saying, "Something needs to change." Or "Help me, love me." Or, "I am alone."
The voice in your heart is the one you are looking for. When you acknowledge this voice, you have found yourself. Then the task is to accept, heal and follow your authentic voice.
Every relationship you have or will have can be a blessing if you use it to further your spiritual growth. It does not matter how healthy or unhealthy the relationship is, the goal is to improve yourself. Working on your emotional issues will release the vital energy that opens your heart and gives you a meaningful spiritual life.
Therefore, the best relationship advice I can give you is to heal your heartache and mend your broken heart. I suffered a broken heart at the age of 34. This was the turning point in my life. Instead of avoiding my emotional pain I choose to feel my hurt and pain. This led me to my original emotional wound. Then I healed my heartache and learned how to build trust in relationships and open up to new relationships.
You can do the same. You can choose to feel rather than avoid, your feelings. This is the best relationship advice you can follow if you want to reach inner peace and happiness.
Mending a broken heart is the work of the Divine.
In a sense this is the major transformation that is currently happing on planet earth. We are opening our hearts. Humans need to learn to love each other instead of hurt each other. In order to do this, we must heal our heart wounds from the past and learn to love ourselves.
It is your spiritual duty to open your solar plexus and heart so that you become a more loving person. When you become more loving you help the whole world become more loving. Love starts with loving your own body and your emotional self. Then you expand outward and begin to include others.
Therefore, put your major focus and energy on mending your broken heart and healing your original wound when the trust between you and your parents was broken. If you do not heal and transform your heartache, you will continue to repeat the same psychological problems in new relationships.
Your love life and career will fall into place as you relax and take it easy. When you relax, your heart and mind are in balance. Successfully letting go of control will allow you to enter the surrender stage of transformation.
The more you invest in yourself, the stronger and more focused you will be. Then you will reach your goals.
- Reduce your anxiety. You will not be able to let go of control until you are relaxed enough to trust the process. This means you need to reduce your anxiety to a level that allows you to safely let go. Anxiety is learned. You can unlearn your anxiety responses and replace them with relaxation responses. Take anxiety courses, anxiety classes and practice relaxing your body everyday to become skilful. For more information study the one hour audio, "Break the Grip of Anxiety: An Overview."
- Give up resistance. Learn the art and science of surrender. Get the energy skills necessary so you can let go of control safely and slowly. Study with a skillful energy teacher and spiritual teacher who can show you how to let go. You need to feel the difference in letting go and holding on. Then you can surrender when you want to surrender. More information and guides to help you let go in the free library at drjeanette.com.
- Mend your broken heart. Take the relationship advice given and heal your heartache so that you are stronger and more secure. Get a coach, teacher or psychologist to help you get to the bottom of your issues and heal your heartache. Read and put into practice the steps in the special report, "7 Steps to Becoming Stronger After a Divorce or Break Up."
Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Dr Doris Jeanette is grateful she can heal the broken hearted and loves to teach professionals how to do the work of the divine. Her Holistic Psychology Certification and Mentoring program is available via technology to people around the world. Visit and sign up for her free newsletter, "The Vibrant Moment."