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I am with someone whom I absolutely adore, so why do I still have fantasies about having sex with other men?

heart to heart About the Questioner
Philosophy: I am pretty negative. I feel that a lot hasn't worked out for me, relationships, career moves, jobs, pretty much everything. I have recently started therapy again to work through some of the recurring issues in my life-abandonment, lack of trust, trying to be perfect and fear of failure. At 34 and after many, many mistakes I now have a stable job and I am going to school for court reporting. As far as spiritual beliefs go, I speak to someone I call God for lack of a better term, but I do not see him as any religion sees him. I speak to him, I hope he listens, I give gratitude when I feel it is warranted, but I do not believe I have to worship at any proscribed times or think that he influences everything in my life.
Hopes and aspirations: My hope is to have a spouse I can be completely honest with and who will accept me as I am with all my imperfections. I also want success in the career I have chosen.
I have had three major relationships. All of them bad in some way. The first lasted 6 years on and off from the time I was 17. We never communicated and I cheated, I am sure he did too. The second one lasted six years and we did drugs the whole time. The third one lasted two years and I did drugs through most of it even though we had a child together. In the last one we didn't have a place to live, we were living at his mom's house and then at one of his friend's house. Both places were a disaster. I cheated on all of them because I was always miserable in some way.

Now, I am with someone whom I absolutely adore, he is kind, loving, PATIENT, honest, funny, smart and we always have good sex. My question is if he is all these things to me and I can communicate with him like an adult, why do I still have fantasies about having sex with other men? We have talked about it and even though he understands that I have these fantasies he says that he could never allow that to happen because of his feelings about it. I feel like a petulant child… that he has taken it from me, so that is now something I want more than ever. I know it would ruin my relationship with him and being with him has been wonderful. Why should this one thing threaten to ruin all my happiness?

Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette Doris Jeanette
Thank you for your life story and personal question. You have made dramatic changes in your life. The fact that you are in a good, healthy, loving relationship with a man means that you are not negative. It is obvious that you have worked on yourself a great deal and achieved positive results.

Reality is where you need to put your consciousness. You need to pay attention to all the positive things you have done and how much positive change you have successfully created in your life. Congratulations. I am impressed with your personal growth and success.

My primary suggestion is to pay attention to your positive growth.

Your forward movement has been huge. This reality deserves attention. A universal law is energy follows thought. So if you want more positive growth, you need to appreciate your positive growth and pay attention to your positive growth!

Your past sounds like an out of control nightmare. It is wonderful that you have overcome your out of control energy by stopping self-abuse. Stopping your out of control behavior with drugs and sex is quite an accomplishment.

Take note that you are not miserable in your current relationship. You even have good sex! This is fantastic. Please know that it is not strange that your ego is pulling at you to go back into your old, conditioned, unhealthy patterns.

Your ego's unruly behavior is part of the natural process of transformation. Your ego will continue to control you until you unlearn all your old patterns. Perhaps you will have solved all your problems by the time your spirit is ready to leave your body? Or perhaps not. I am smiling. It does not matter. Life is a series of constant transformations.

To help you enjoy the process of growth, read the many other Heart to Heart columns written on how to deal with your ego and your unhealthy past learning history. There are also columns written on trust, relationships and emotional maturity.

The sexual fantasies that you have about other men do not have to ruin and destroy your current relationship. Your sexual fantasies are not unhealthy or unusual. Read Nancy Friday's books to discover you are normal. There is no harm to sexual fantasies. Enjoy them.

Your Brain is Twisting Reality

Please note that the way you are using your sexual fantasies IS a serious problem. Your brain is focusing on your sexual fantasies as if they are a problem. You are making a problem out of them and they are not a problem. Your brain is also distorting reality in terms of your negativity.

This unhealthy psychological dynamic is how your brain controls you. Your brain could take any other behavior and also turn it against you. Please soak in this psychological dynamic so you can fully understand it.

If you can see this unhealthy mental habit in yourself, you can change your life permanently for the better. Unlearning this unhealthy thinking behavior will help you achieve peace of mind, self-love and happiness.

Let me explain. Take your first sentence, "I am pretty negative." When I first read this sentence, I thought, "She is so open and honest." At the third sentence I paused, "Um, something doesn't seem true here." After I read your whole question, I realized, you are not "pretty negative."

The truth is.... you have made huge positive changes in your life and you are only 34. Your brain tells you that you are negative. However, your brain is wrong. I have had a great deal of experience with this mental health problem. It is a problem in perception. Your brain tells you something is real or true and it is not real or true.

Your brain is focusing on your sexual fantasies and making them bigger than life. Your brain is telling you your sexual fantasies are a terrible, horrible problem. In reality, they are not a terrible horrible problem. Sexual fantasies are normal.

This means your brain twists reality on you. This reversal of reality is most unsettling and confusing to you. Your brain is sending you a wrong perception. Your brain is engaged in a complete reversal of reality. It says you are negative and you are not negative.

The only way to overcome this twist of reality is to have a trusting relationship with someone who can help you sort through realty. You can learn to directly experience reality without your brain telling you "What is what."

When I first discovered this complete reversal of reality with my clients I did not know how to help them.

Talk therapy is completely inadequate in dealing with this dramatic level of mental distortion. I knew my clients needed to know what is real and true without using their brain or thoughts. Talking and thinking did not help them. Therefore, I began to develop the New Psychology approach. If you do not know about the New Psychology, which is holistic, read my definition of holistic psychology.

I began to teach my clients to use other sources besides the brain for reliable information. This is what you need to do. Your brain is dominating your personality because your ego is so well established. You need to find, accept and follow your body and emotional self.

So the task before you is to move away from your learned ego into your body so you can open your heart. Your body, heart and soul will help you know the truth. You cannot depend on your brain. Your brain is twisting reality to fix into a learned perception, which is wrong.

To be successful in your career and loving relationships, learn to tell the difference between your learned, conditioned responses, which are distorted, and your authentic energy, which is real.

When you know how authentic energy feels in your body and heart, you can override mental distortions. Then you will not allow any distortions to undermine your positive changes.

You will be able to stand in your authentic power and smile with solid self-confidence as you continue to grow and develop yourself throughout your life.

Action Steps to Take

  • Use outside data to correct perceptions about reality. Use outside validation to help you know what is true and real about you and your success. For example, develop a trusting relationship with someone who can help you directly experience reality. Use professionals to sort through your false beliefs, distorts and misperceptions. Your therapist, psychologist or coach needs to teach you how to develop your own inner knowing so that you know what is real in the future without them having to tell you.
  • Tame Your Thoughts. Do not let your brain continue to obsess and focus on your sexual fantasies. Don't let your brain obsess about anything else either! Take charge of your own thinking behavior and stop obsessing about anything. Start with the audio, "Tame Your Thoughts."
  • Develop your manifestation skills. Learn how to make your dreams come true and use the law of attraction successfully. You need to learn more about the universal law of how energy follows thought.
  • Notice who is talking to you. Learn to tell the difference between your learned ego and your authentic self. It is hard to tell the difference until you learn the energy difference between the two. The energy difference is huge and makes spotting your mental distortions easier.

Coaching copyright © 2011 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Dr. Doris Jeanette, a licensed psychologist in USA, developed the New Psychology to meet the needs of multicultural, sensitive, intuitive people around the world. In addition to her emotional energy phone consultations, she trains and mentors people in holistic psychology. Learn more and sign up for her free holistic psychology newsletter, "The Vibrant Moment."

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