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I never feel relaxed, in my mind there always runs a parallel thinking with the active one and this inner conflict makes me perplexed whenever I realize it.

heart to heart About the Questioner
Philosophy: I am Hindu ... but as far as my feelings are concerned I don't feel as if I am different from the people of other religion.
Hopes and aspirations: I want to explore and learn a lot, want to feel free, satisfied, and confident in whatever I do.
I do not know from where to begin... Problem with me is that I never feel relaxed, in my mind there always runs a parallel thinking with the active one and this makes me perplexed whenever I realize it. Moreover I am not satisfied with my studies as I think that I should have opted for another field of study. Since childhood I am good at sketching and even now I find myself inclined towards it. So hereby when I compare my interest in science with arts I find arts in a dominating place, and hence I feel frustrated and depressed for my career. As I am now 23 years old and if I look back to choose some artistic field, it may not be a good option because all bachelor programs in India are of 4 to 5 years and those with short academic time are not in good condition. Before reading 'The Alchemist' I was sleeping like a careless frog. And this book made me to think again and again 'What actually I am made for'. I need your guidance for I am standing on a brink that can ruin or make my future.

And the last problem I want to share with u is that I am single and I never had a girlfriend. It doesn't mean that I do not want to have one. Whenever I look at any girl I feel as if I deserve someone of my taste and actually I have never found anyone... may be the faith of soul mate or whatever... I do not know. But being alone is tough and now I realize it when I have a lot to share and express and no one to listen. And that's why I often weep while watching movies. Thank you.

Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette Doris Jeanette
First, let me thank you for your question. Next, let me tell you that weeping while you are watching movies can be a very healthy way to get in touch with your emotions. If you want to become emotionally healthy you need to feel your authentic emotions.

To me, the major purpose of music, movies, theater, opera and art is to help you feel your emotions. So use any of these, at any time, to help you move toward emotional health, mental health and physical health.

Please know that people who feel their emotions are sensitive, loving human beings. This is the reason it will be a very wonderful, safe, healthy world when everyone feels his or her emotions. In the future, people will not need to attack and hurt someone. They will express their feelings in healthy, life affirming ways!

Therefore, it is wonderful that you are weeping. However, you need to make sure vital energy is being released. It is possible that you do not know the difference between feeling your emotions and feeling sorry for yourself. Most people do not.

As a holistic psychologist, who has researched the energy of emotions and the vital body, I know people confuse authentic sadness with self-pity. However, there is a huge difference between these two energy states.

Feel Your Emotions, Don't Feel Sorry for Yourself

When you feel your real sadness you move toward health because you are letting go of control. When you let go of control you naturally access your vital energy. Your vital energy immediately makes you stronger. As healthy energy flows through your body, it automatically opens your chakras as it also provides nourishing food to all your cells.

In contrast, when you feel sorry for yourself you move into darkness and helplessness. You are literally sinking down into the pit of despair. The result is self-pity. In self-pity there is no hope, light or love energy. Self-pity is a conditioned response. This means, you learned to feel sorry for yourself. Self-pity is not an emotion.

All cultures teach children to feel sorry for self and others. The Indian culture excels in this teaching. Your culture uses self-pity to the extreme such as when a parent deliberately disfigures a child so that they will be more successful in begging. We need to cease this behavior.

Therefore, you need to learn what self-pity is so you can transform this energy. When you feel sorry for yourself, you are in an unconscious state, not a conscious state. Read the past Heart to Heart columns on depression and learned helplessness for more information about the pit of despair. Search here.

To be emotionally healthy, you need to learn how to feel the six primary emotions. They are composed of pure vital energy and easy to recognize once you know the difference. Emotions are energy in motion that are moving toward light, love and healthy energy.

Study and work with the emotional guide, "Opening the Heart," which shows you how to directly experience the difference between self-pity and authentic hurt in your own heart and solar plexus.

Following Your Heart

Here are the questions you need to ask yourself:

Did your parents push you into being a physicist?
Did your brain convince you that you needed to study physics?
Where you trying to please someone by making this choice?
Did your authentic self and your heart make this choice?
To know the answer to these questions you need to know the difference between your emotional, heart energy and your mental, brain energy.

For example you say, "Problem with me is that I never feel relaxed, in my mind there always runs a parallel thinking with the active one and this makes me perplexed whenever I realize it."

It sounds like you are outside of yourself. You are not able to move out of beta brainwaves into the other brain waves. You are not able to stop thinking and feel what is real around you and inside of you. Your thoughts are controlling your experience of life so you cannot answer these questions.

Long ago, in my clinical practice, I noticed a pattern. People would get in a conflict within themselves. Sometimes their conflict would be projected outward so that it showed up as a conflict with others. This inner conflict is the problem even when it is projected outward.

So, let's apply this to you. Your brain can find fault with everything and anything. When it does, it puts you in conflict with yourself. As a result, you do not know the truth. Instead, you are stuck in this mental conflict.

By this I mean, if you had studied art, you would still have the exact, same problem you have now. You would doubt yourself and wonder if you had made the correct decision to study art. You would not be happy and satisfied. You are in a lose-lose situation.

This type of thinking can make you feel crazy and confused. No matter what you do, you lose. No matter what you do not do, you cannot make your brain happy and satisfied. This is not the place you want to live your life.

The only way you can follow your heart is to open your heart and solar plexus. Opening your heart and solar plexus will give you a way to know the truth.

Open your heart so you can follow your heart.

I discovered the only way to help people out of this unhealthy, psychological conflict is to realize that there is not a right answer! There is no one correct and perfect answer to anything. It does not matter if you study physics or art. It is not either/or.

In reality, there is no right or wrong answer. Only on academic tests is there a right or wrong answer! The truth is you can make any life choice work for you. You can also make any life choice not work for you! It all depends on you and how you relate to yourself.

How you feel about yourself and your decisions is the key. You need to feel good about your decisions. This means you must support yourself when you make a decision. Do not undermine your decision and find fault with it.

Of course if you make a decision that does not turn out the way you want it to, you can change it. You can always rearrange any life choice so it becomes a good one. You actually learn more from your mistakes than you do from your successes. So mistakes easily become a win-win.

This means the work you need to do is on yourself. Look inside of your heart. You need to know when you are being true to yourself. You need to know when your brain and outside authorities are controlling you. Knowing this is essential if you want to follow your heart.

You cannot follow your heart until you listen to your heart and begin to open it. Inside your heart you will find your truths. Inside the energy of your heart, you will find your emotional self. This healthy energy will probably be underneath dark, dense, heavy unhealthy energy.

You need to find, accept and really listen to your emotional self. Your pure emotional self needs to lead the way in each and every decision you make in life. Read past columns on these topics, emotional maturity, and emotional health, finding the emotional self.

This is how you follow your bliss. Your emotional self decides your career path, the food you have for lunch, the color of the clothes you wear today and so on. If you let your emotional self lead the way, you will be happy and satisfied. He will take you to your soul's purpose.

Your choice is not wrong or bad.

You need to learn how to support yourself and your choices as you go along the way. Begin by supporting yourself in the choices you have already made. Love physics and support your choice to study physics.

As a holistic psychologist, I know physics needs to be included in any successful psychological transformation program. Traditional psychologists and talk therapists miss the boat by not using the laws of physics. As a result, they cannot teach their clients to be physically strong and emotionally healthy because they ignore the body and energy field.

However, you can learn to be physically strong and emotionally healthy. Start by supporting yourself and your decisions. There is no doubt that you can use what you have learned in your studies to benefit yourself in your life adventures.

Use the recent interview I did with the quantum physicist, Dr. Amit Goswami on Live at the Edge radio to help you. Find out how he uses his knowledge to improve the world. Listening to this interview will inspire and motivate you. You might even become aware of the real reason you studied physics in the first place!

You can study art when, where and how your heart wants you to do so. Open, listen and follow your emotional self. Opening your heart will also allow you to attract a girlfriend so you can practice your relationship skills. You need to be friendly with men and women so that you learn how to be in healthy relationships. You need many, many healthy relationships in life in order to flourish personally and professionally.

From now on, all of your choices will be good choices if you make them from your heart. You will be happy and excited to wake up and go to work.

Action Steps to take

  1. Stop finding fault with everything you do and put yourself in a win-win situation. Begin to notice when your thoughts are finding fault. When you notice you are putting yourself in conflict, move into support and love. Listen to the "Tame Your Thoughts" audio for more help with controlling thoughts.
  2. Feel your emotions, don't feel sorry for yourself. Learn the difference in dark energy and light energy by feeling it in your own heart. Study and work with the "Opening the Heart" emotional health study guide that teaches you how to feel authentic hurt and stop feeling sorry for yourself.
  3. Drop down into your heart. Put your awareness in your heart. What do you feel there? Notice sounds and colors. Learn to feel the difference between brain energy and heart energy.
  4. Use Dr. Amit Goswami as your role model: If you do not know his work, let me introduce you to him. If you already know his work, I am sure you will be eager to hear his latest thoughts on transformation. Listen to free Internet radio, "Live at the Edge" for knowledge, support and inspiration.

Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Doris Jeanette is a licensed psychologist in USA, with 35 years of clinical experience. As director of the Center for New Psychology she mentors and trains professionals in holistic psychology. offers holistic psychology courses, classes and self-audio to teach you the skills you need to wake up and follow your heart. Sign up for her free newsletter, "The Vibrant Moment."

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