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What can I do to get my husband back? He told me he just thinks of me as a friend but is no longer passionate about me.

heart to heart About the Questioner
Philosophy: Catholic but not really practicing. I meditate sometimes. I believe in fate.
Hopes and aspirations: My hope is to have good relationship with my husband who has been separated from me.
I am 39-year-old married for 9 years with a 5 years old child. 2 years after the birth of my daughter, I became depressed. My husband told me 2 years ago, which was about one year after I became depressed, that he felt I neglected him. I told him at that time that I was depressed and I was seeing a counselor. One and a half years ago, my depression lifted and I felt more sexual. However, my husband became distant and not very receptive to my advances. We had sex like 2-3 times a year. I asked him why he does not want sex last year and he told me that I could go find someone else to sleep with. I refused to. Subsequently, I found out that he could not have an erection when attempting intercourse with me. He promised to work on that. I asked him to work on this issue again lately and he told me he just thinks of me as a friend but is no longer passionate about me. He asked for a divorce and started a separation process.

I was shocked because he was the one that said we would stay together and work on issues. He complained that I am too negative. He is the one I find has many negative feelings about other people. He is very critical, bossy and very organized. I appreciate him because he takes care of business around the finance, he's a good provider, very honest, very responsible and reliable. However, I find his grumpiness and hot temper very anxiety-provoking for me. We had a lot of arguments about his mom who stayed with us for long periods at times, his constant traveling on the job, parenting, etc. However, when not arguing, we were very good companions and emotionally intimate. I still love him and have asked him to consider counseling, but he refused. I asked him to consider reconciliation, he refused. I cried, promised to change and let him travel and work things out, again he refused.

We have been separated for 3 months. He loves his daughter and is a good father. He has been visiting her every weekend. What can I do to get him back?

Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette Doris Jeanette
Ah, my heart goes out to you because your heart is breaking. My heart was broken when I was 34. I remember vividly, the physical and emotional pain I felt in my chest as I walked up and down the steps of my home, crying. I cried nonstop, except to see my clients, for two solid weeks. Then a miracle happened. I experienced my first major breakthrough in consciousness.

When you have a broken heart, you can either close your heart more, trying not to feel your pain. Or you can open your heart to your pain, so you can love more fully. The choice you make now will affect the rest of your life.

Many people are stuck where you are stuck. You are trying to get your husband to come back to you. I also longed for the return of my beloved. However, this usually does not work and if it does work, it does not solve any of the real problems the two of you had between you. If you got him back, it would not be long before he irritated you. And you are sure to irritate him!

It would be more helpful to use this opportunity to change your life for the better by letting go of control and diving deep into your unconscious. When you open your heart you will enjoy a more fulfilling life. Imagine yourself so emotionally secure that you are not desperate to get anyone back.

"There will even come a day when you will not feel rejected." My therapist said these words to me when I was suffering from my broken heart. I did not believe her, but she was correct. You too, can heal the part of you who feels rejected, hurt and unloved.

You can stop waiting for someone or something to make your life meaningful and rich. You can meet your physical and emotional needs so that you have a strong body and healthy energy field. You can relax enough to experience vibrant moments in your daily life. From this self-confident position you will move closer to your soul and fulfill your purpose in life.

I hope you choose to open your heart. What this means is that you allow yourself to feel your authentic emotions and feelings. When you feel your emotions your heart begins to open. This creates deep exquisite canyons and running rivers inside of your heart. This energy becomes a powerhouse of love. This is the energy that can move mountains!

To be successful, you must stop denying, avoiding or repressing your vital, emotional energy. Instead you need to feel your emotions. This will create a healthy energy flow of vital energy in your cells. Of course, sometimes you may find yourself exaggerating your emotions instead of denying them. Exaggerating your emotions has the same results as denying them.

I am sure you are familiar with the terms bipolar and manic-depressive. These labels are given to highly sensitive people when they deny and exaggerate their emotions instead of feeling them directly. Traditional psychology and psychiatry usually recommend legal drugs to control these highly empathic people because they do not know or understand emotional energy dynamics.

Feeling emotional energy directly is hard for most people because they have learned to hide their emotions for so long. Your unconscious is full of all the emotions you have not felt. You learned to hide them because the people around you punished you when you expressed an emotion.

An emotionally safe person is the opposite of a critical, controlling, judgmental person. An emotionally safe person is the opposite of someone who "feels sorry" for you and pats you on the head. An emotionally mature person is someone you can share any thought, feeling, emotion and experience with--without receiving judgment or pity.

Instead, when you relate to an emotionally safe person, you can literally feel this person being with you on an equal plane. You can sense the energy coming from her or his heart to yours. This emotional energy touch is a healing touch. As a result, you feel totally accepted. This energy is love. Love is a harmonious, delicious and sweet energy.

Count yourself fortunate if you had a mother or father who was emotionally safe some of the time. Count yourself blessed if you have an emotionally safe psychologist, teacher, coach or mentor. Everyone needs an emotionally safe person, yet they are rare.

This is one of the glaring holes in the current training in psychology, holistic health and massage. It is very hard to find one person who can give you all that you need to heal your heart and open it. I started the Holistic Psychology Mentoring Program and the Certification in Holistic Psychology to fill this gap.

What do you need to open your heart?

You Need:

  1. An emotionally safe guide to lead you into your emotional energy.
  2. One or more skillful body, touch, massage practitioners to help you release the physical holdings in your body.
  3. A professionally responsible person who is always there for you so you can let go of control safely and not worry about them.
  4. Someone who can read energy and teach you how to read it.
I created an effective team of holistic health practitioners to help me open my heart. For example, you can pick a responsible psychologist who is emotionally safe and use her in person or on the phone. You can choose a skillful masseur who can touch you in person to release the holdings in your body. You can find a teacher to teach you to read energy either on the phone or in person.

I also found that becoming an emotionally safe person was the way to have an emotionally safe person I could count on in my life! So this is what I recommend to you. You need to become an emotionally safe person for yourself. To achieve this, you need to get rid of your self-judgments about your emotions so that you can be who you are emotionally.

This is the major work involved in opening your solar plexus and heart. You will probably open your solar plexus first and then your heart. Opening any chakra is a process and a back and forth situation. Your energy field is like a symphony of colors and sounds. As you stop closing your heart, you will play many different notes and colors.

You need to dive into your colorful emotional energy and fully experience what is there inside of you and your heart. This is hard to do alone. If you are a premature baby or your trauma was early in life and serve, it is impossible to do alone. You will be so afraid of letting go of control that you will not feel safe enough to feel your emotions.

You will continue to deny or exaggerate emotional energy until you know it is safe to feel this vital energy. Therefore, I strongly recommend finding a guide and teacher to show you how to feel your emotions. She or he will stay with you and show you how to directly experience your emotional energy and let this potent energy safely move.

When your emotional energy moves this automaticity increase healthy energy flowing in your body and energy field. This energy feels good even when you experience hurt and pain. The reason pain feels good is because the energy is authentic, strong and healthy. As a result, you feel whole, real, and solid.

Do not share your emotions with someone who you know will be critical and judgmental of you. Or who will feel sorry for you. When you do, this reinforces your negative learning and makes it harder for you trust someone. Seek out emotionally safe people.

When interviewing potential coaches, psychologists and mentors, make sure they are emotionally safe before you jump into a relationship with them. Keep in mind no one is totally safe all the time but look for people who are comfortable with their own emotions.

You are fortunate that your husband is a good father. This is wonderful for your child and it gives you a chance to see your husband more realistically instead of through your expectations and projections. You and your husband both have issues you need to work on to become better parents and better partners.

Focus your attention on your own personal growth and you will be stronger no matter what happens to your relationship with your husband. You cannot make anyone love you and you cannot make anyone engage in self-improvement. You have to make these choices for yourself. This means you can choose to open your heart and develop yourself.

When you open up to your pain, you feel your current hurt. As you cry, you begin to feel your past hurts which your current hurt has triggered. Feeling these hurts lead you to your original hurt.

Your original hurt is the one that needs to be healed so that you can open your heart to more love. The audio, "When You're Hurting... which is included in the three hour audio series, "Opening the Heart" was make to help you stay in your hurt and feel it so that you do not continue to repeat your original hurt over and over again in your life.

If you look back on your life, I am sure you can recognize the hurtful pattern that you learned. You will continue to repeat your original hurt in your relationships until you become aware of this learned pattern and break it.

Currently, your closed heart is blocking love out. You will continue to block love until you open your solar plexus and heart. I know this is hard to grasp, but you can learn to sense the wall of energy around you that does not allow love to come into your heart.

You will have a breakthrough when you sense your closed heart and take responsibility for opening your heart. Without your projections in the way, you will love and allow others to love you more fully.

Action Steps to Heal Your Heart

  1. Pick the perfect holistic health practitioner. Read this free article to help you make a good decision. Beware of distant energy healings. I have received referrals from two people recently who had very negative reactions from people who are currently doing distant energy healings online.
  2. Find an emotionally safe teacher. I love to recommend the practitioners who have finished the Rosen Training. Unfortunately there are not many of them. Certain body psychotherapists and bioenergetics professionals are also safe. Ask your friends for referrals. There are human angels out there but they are hard to find. Send me the name and contact information of anyone you know who is emotionally safe and I will start a list.
  3. Use color to help you feel. Learn how color and emotions are connected. You can use color to help you feel your emotions. Color is one of the power tools needed for transformation. Download your free report, "Feeling Blue? Green or Golden? The Secret Power of Color," to get started.
  4. Become emotionally safe. Learn to be emotionally safe with yourself. Find your emotional self, love her and meet her needs so that you never feel rejected again. I recommend the "Opening the Heart" audio series, which guides you into your heart, helping you feel your emotions directly instead of denying them and exaggerating them.

Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Doris Jeanette, Psy.D is a licensed psychologist in USA who has been on a roll since she started to feel her colorful emotions. Check out the two professional trainings and mentoring programs offered through the Center for New Psychology, the Holistic Psychology Mentoring Program and the Certification in Holistic Psychology.

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