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I feel like someone or something inside me wants to cause me pain or hurt me.

heart to heart About the Questioner
Philosophy: I do not have a particular religion; I am a student of A Course in Miracles, and a big believer in forgiveness, and trying to hear the voice within. I feel we are all connected if not physically then on a spiritual or molecular level.
Hopes and aspirations: To finish an idea for a movie I have, using digital graphics. It is based on the illusion of separation.
I feel like I am my own worst enemy. I had an accident a week ago and I bruised my ribs. Over the last month or so I have been trying to transform myself through affirmations, meditation, gratitude, and loving myself. Just the other night I was dreaming about a woman I used to know, and we were lying on separate gym tumbling mattresses, watching someone take down lights from an event. She jumped right on top of me, I could smell her hair and feel the pressures of her body on mine. I was surprised, then she jumps off and I decide to jump on her. This was more playful than sexual yet I cannot deny there were emotions I have not felt in some time. As I jumped, I woke up and landed on the floor of my bedroom, on my head, hurting my neck, my head and my ribs again.

My question is how do I get past this self-destructiveness, when I do not even know when it is happening. If I feel a certain way I know I am feeling that way, yet this is like having someone or something inside me that wants to cause me pain or hurt me. I could not see the sense in it and for the rest of the night I asked myself, "What am I supposed to learn from this?" I got no answer.

This is not a joke, I am sincere in trying to transform my life for good, yet I do not understand why this side of me hates or wants to hurt me so much.

Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette Doris Jeanette
Thank you for your sincere question. Your dream is interesting and I empathize with your falls. Are you an Aries? Aries are known for being accident-prone. As an Aries, I have transformed energy in dramatic ways with accidents.

Some of us get physical diseases and some of us have accidents. Please do not make yourself wrong about having accidents. The first step you need to take toward more healthy energy flow is to remove your self-judgments about your falls.

Here is a story I read about Edgar Cayce, the sleeping prophet in USA. He was taken to trial in NYC and was most upset. He lived in Virginal Beach where he had done thousands of readings to heal people during Hitler's attack on humanity.

Edgar was complaining to spirit about the fact that he had to go to trial in NYC. After all the work HE had done for others, he asked, "Why do I have to deal with this legal issue?" Spirit told him, "Why shouldn't you?"

Indeed. If we are spiritual, psychic or metaphysical, we think that we are not supposed to have any troubles, problems or conflicts. This is simply not true. We have plenty of troubles, problems and conflicts. It would appear that these troubles, problems and conflicts are exactly what help us grow and evolve. We need them to give up our denial, control and ego identification. Welcome them.

Accidents can occur for more than one reason. The number one reason is to ground your energy. When you fall, your energy is immediately grounded.

We are our own worst enemy
Freud noticed the self-destructive quality in humans and labeled it the "death instinct." Jung labeled our dark side; "The Shadow." He also thought it was instinctive. I do not agree with Freud and Jung's conclusions that our mean self is an instinct. Instead, my observations tell me that self-hatred is learned.

This is an important distinction. If self-hatred is instinctive there is nothing you can do about it. However, if it is learned, then you can unlearn it. You were not born with the instinct to kill yourself. Instead, you were taught to reject your body, emotions and spirit because the adults in your world judged these parts of you as wrong and bad.

Therefore, you grew up judging yourself in the same way as the adults did. Thus, you learned to hate certain things about your authentic self. I define this judgmental part of humanity- the ego. The ego is not part of your authentic self. Therefore, it can be tamed and removed from your body and energy field.

The only enemy you or I have is our ego. The ego is extremely self-destructive. The fact that you are face to face with your self-hatred, tells me what you have explored your inner truths and know what is in your unconscious more than most people. Congratulations on your personal growth.

It is a ferocious battle between the ego and the authentic self. This is the reason it is important to get the education and guidance you need to stop your ego from ruining your life. The ego will succeed if you do not become aware of this self-destructive part of you as a separate identity from your authentic self. Once you know with certainty, the smell of your ego, then you must tame and transform its energy.

In the 1980's when I began to explore my unconscious, I labeled the nasty energy I found inside of me, "Hitler Energy." Hitler's behavior was a perfect example of internal self-hatred that was not acknowledged and dealt with in healthy ways. Instead, Hitler "acted out" his self-hatred on the world.

Some people, like you, "act in" your self-hatred and hurt yourself. So owning and taming your ego is a very important way to spend your time. Hitler Energy is possible anytime you are cut off from your heart and emotions. If you are not feeling your authentic emotions you can easily be insensitive and heartless. This is the reason opening the heart is so important for humanity to achieve.

When you open your heart, you care about yourself and others. Genuine caring starts with the self and then moves outward toward others. Please, be kind and gentle with yourself and your bruised body.

Using The Course in Miracles
I also studied The Course in Miracles for a few years. The text was channeled from Jesus of Galilee to a research psychologist at Columbia University in NYC and published in 1976. I highly recommend the original text of The Course in Miracles for these reasons...

The Course In Miracles:

  1. Clears up your thoughts and thinking.
  2. Helps you experience consciousness in all matter.
  3. Explains the ego energy to you.
  4. Focuses you on real love so you have more of it.
  5. Makes you responsible for hurting yourself.
  6. Helps you give up your projections and false beliefs.
The Course in Miracles is a great resource to turn to when in pain. It can help you give up your ego identification and guide you toward your higher purpose in life.

On the other hand, I do not like the way "The Course" negates the body and our emotional experience. Humans are incarnate. This means we are in the flesh. Being incarnate is the purpose of our experience on earth. Our task is to bring spirit into our flesh and to be human.

Accepting and Loving Your Body and Emotions
Your purpose is not to deny the flesh, body or the reality of being physical. You are here to be physical and to be human. Perhaps this is where you are stuck?

As your accidents prove, you cannot escape physical reality. Your body is essential as long as you are on earth. It seems you have not given your body what it needs or wants so that it can be a proper temple for your spiritual energy.

Your dream could be telling you that you have been denying and rejecting your body and emotions. You need to love your emotions, body, feelings, smells, pleasure needs and sexuality. You need to allow yourself to experience comfort and joy.

These wonderful energies are very real and palpable. You can learn to sense them if you do not already do so. These energies are what make life on earth exciting, meaningful and enjoyable.

Hurt is a productive, powerful experience. When you feel hurt this means you are becoming more alive and more human. Rejoice. You will hurt physically if you have a body. You will hurt emotionally if you have a heart. Feeling your hurt will expand your consciousness. Feeling your hurt will open your heart and solar plexus. Feeling your hurt feeds your soul.

Your body and emotions are talking to you. Listen to your body and hear what it is saying. Listen to your emotional self and sense what he needs. At this point in time your ego is blocking the communication so you cannot reach your body or your emotional self.

You can move pass your ego and make direction contact with your emotional self. You can develop a loving relationship with your emotional self. Once your emotional self is healed and feels loved, he will lead you to your soul's purpose.

Your emotional energy will become one with the energy of your soul. Your movie will be made to show that separation is an illusion.

Action Steps to Tame Your Ego

  1. Pay attention to your judgmental thoughts. Write down all the thoughts you have within 10 minutes. Notice how many are negative about you and your accidents. Come up with a physical movement that removes these negative thoughts from your energy field.
  2. Get to know your ego energy. You cannot tame your ego until you know what part of you is ego and what part of you is authentic. The only way I know to do this is by paying attention to the energy. The energy of the ego is very different from the authentic self. Study with someone who can teach you how to feel, sense, see, smell, taste and hear the difference. And I recommend the "Opening the Heart" audio, which starts off by teaching you to sense the difference between your ego and authentic self.
  3. Listen to your body talking. Hear what your body knows, needs and desires. One reason you have a body is to ground your energy so that you are safe and secure within the field of gravity. Listen to your body to hear what it needs so you can stop falling. I recommend the audio: "3 Reasons You Have a Body: Hear Your Body Talking."
  4. Stand up to your judgmental ego. You need to consciously choose to stop your self-rejection and choose self love instead. To be successful you need to be effective in standing up to your own negative, controlling thoughts. Being assertive with your Inner Citric is extremely effective. Take as assertive training course to become skillful. If local courses are not available, sign up for "Stop the World From Pushing You Around: Six Weeks to Solid Self-Confidence," an Assertiveness Training Telecourse starting January 18th, 2011.

Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Doris Jeanette, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist with 34 years of experience teaching people how to tame their ego and Inner Critic. Taming monsters is a skill she likes to teach others via coaching or mentoring. Sign up for her free holistic psychology newsletter, "The Vibrant Moment" and find out how you could become certified in Holistic Psychology.

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