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I am not as affectionate as I ought to be, even with my husband and children. How do I break down this wall?

heart to heart About the Questioner
Philosophy: I am a Christian and believe that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Hopes and aspirations: I aspire to raise my children to be productive individuals in society.
I am a single parent of two young boys and I am currently in a relationship with my youngest son's father. He has recently brought to my attention the fact that I am not affectionate towards him or that I need to show more affection towards him. I was not aware of this and because he has brought it to my attention I have been paying closer attention to myself and my affections towards others. I have now come to the conclusion that I am not as affectionate as I ought to be, even with my children.

Now that I have identified my problem I seem to be lost as to how to find a solution. You see, I grew up without a lot of affection; I can count the number of times that I was hugged, or kissed or even told that my parents loved me. Because I was never showed these kinds of loving gestures by my parents I built up a wall with them where I would not try to be affectionate, as affection was not being shown to me. I never noticed that this wall had passed on into other areas of my life or even that it was present in my adult life until now. My question is now how do I break down this wall?

Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette Doris Jeanette
"How can I give love when love is something I ain't never had?" ~John Lennon

I am extremely impressed with your ability to allow new information into your conscious mind. You have taken the first powerful step toward transformation. You are being open instead of being defensive. Congratulations! If this becomes your way of life, you will be on a roll!

When you are open, you move forward toward more health and happiness. When you are defensive, you stay stuck in unhealthy energy and misery. In an open state you receive constant feedback about inner and external realities. Acknowledging facts, data and information is the major reason being open is so powerful. When you open up in any way, you immediately benefit. Healthy energy starts flowing in your cells, making your body, heart and spirit stronger.

Here is a list of your healthy behaviors.You:

  1. Received feedback from your partner and did not block it out.
  2. Took action on the data he gave you, you did not forget about it.
  3. Explored if the data was true or not.
  4. Were surprised to find you do have a wall around you.
  5. Noticed you learned to be distant and guarded from your parents.
  6. Observed you created your wall to protect you from the hurt you felt as a child.
  7. Acknowledged you are not affectionate enough with him or your children.
Wow! This marvelous series of behaviors sets you up for a lifetime of personal growth. My hope is that others will use you as an example of how to be open and accept feedback from others.

You cannot solve any problem until you admit you have a problem. I cannot tell you how many people I know who are unwilling to admit they have a problem giving and receiving love. They do not admit they have a problem and stay with it until they reach a solution. Therefore, they never improve their ability to receive and give love.

You know you have a problem and are actively seeking solutions to your problem. Fantastic!

Therefore, you are aware of the wall around you. I call this energetic wall, the ego. It is composed of defensive energy. Ego energy is dense, grey, brown, dark, heavy, brittle, weak energy. The grey energy is what can eventually become disease in the physical body if it is not dissipated. The process of dissipating this wall is the process of transformation.

To be successful in breaking down your wall, you need to learn to tell the difference between your ego energy and the healthy energy that is inside this wall. Inside this wall is your authentic self, which includes your emotional self.

To break down your wall, you need to know your wall. Otherwise, you will never be able to dissipate this denser energy. Your ego will always do its best to keep you in control. It does not want your wall to come down. If you cannot tell the difference between your ego and your authentic self you do not have any mastery over your choices, reactions and conditioned responses. In which case, the ego will continue to dominate your personality.

However, when you know the difference between your ego and your authentic self, you have the tool you need to break down your wall. Your ego is very sneaky. It often masquerades as the authentic, emotional self which can be very confusing. It also distorts reality. So you must be able to read energy in order to recognize your ego. For example, one night I was sitting in my living room, relaxed and comfortable. The voice in my head says, "Don't you want to go swimming?"

Well, no, I had not thought of going swimming... but swimming is one of my favorite activities. I love to swim and then soak in the hot tub, yummy. So, I thought, "Maybe I do need to go swimming. I need the exercise." My relaxed, comfortable state disappeared and I did not know what I really wanted to do.

Back and forth I went. I got more and more anxious as I tried to figure out what I wanted to do. Finally, because I was learning to read energy and had developed a close, loving relationship with my emotional self, I teased through the mental confusion and distortion. I discover that it was my ego talking and not my authentic, emotional self. How did I know? By observing the energy instead of listening to the words. I love swimming and I did not want to go swimming right now!

It was my nasty, controlling ego taking my favorite activity and using it to control me! When I knew for sure this voice was my ego, I could easily dismiss this unhealthy energy and go back to my relaxed, comfortable state of being in the moment. But I could not do this until I knew for sure it was my ego.

Once you know how to recognize your sneaky ego, you can make healthier choices. You can move past your defensive wall and find, accept and love your authentic, emotional self. As you observe your defensive wall, you will notice it breaks down a little bit each time you choose to be true to yourself. So, every time you shift out of your ego into your authentic, emotional self your wall become weaker.

You will also discover that you created the wall to protect your emotional self from harm. This means you need to develop new ways to protect yourself as you break down your wall. This requires new learning. Breaking down your wall also requires unlearning old habits that were not healthy. Therefore, breaking down your wall is a process.

Process means everything does not happen all at once. Even though everything happens suddenly in the movies, TV and computer games. This is not reality. Real food does not pop out of a box or oven. Real people do not suddenly break down their energetic wall and feel comfortable in the world. If your wall were suddenly missing, you would be scared to death because you would be naked in the world. So, thank goodness for process.

Process means when your solar plexus or heart chakra opens, it opens for a short period of time. It does not stay open. Chakras open and close depending on how safe you feel. Your chakras will open and close millions of times as you feel your feelings and deal with the reasons you closed your chakras in the first place.

My guess is you will continue to be open and commit yourself to a lifetime of transformation. You can enjoy the process of breaking down your wall. There is no hurry or rush. Your heart and solar plexus will stay open for longer and longer periods of time as you learn the skills you need to feel safer and more secure. You created and crafted your wall over the course of many years. So do not fret that it takes time to break it down.

You are dissipating the unhealthy energy around you so you can love and be loved. The process of learning to love your emotional self will teach you how to be physically affectionate and emotionally expressive. She already knows how to love and be loved.

Action Steps to Break Down Your Wall

  1. Get to know your wall. What does it smell like? Feel like? What color, flavor, texture is it? When is your ego talking to you? What do you really want to do? I highly recommend the "Opening the Heart" audio to guide you through the ego energy and the authentic, emotional self energy so you can tell when your ego is talking to you. Read more and order here.
  2. Find, accept and love your emotional self. Give up criticizing yourself and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Instead, learn how to love yourself. Use holistic psychologists and emotional health coaches to help you improve your relationship with yourself.
  3. Drop into and trust your natural process. You have a unique process of transformation that is based on your learning history and your soul's purpose. Dropping into your natural process creates healthy energy flow. Feel the difference between allowing energy to flow and controlling it.

Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Doris Jeanette, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist, who teaches adults, children and professionals how to read energy, break down walls and love themselves. Sign up for her free holistic psychology newsletter, "The Vibrant Moment" and check out her upcoming Assertiveness Training Telecourse, starting Jan. 18, 2011 - "Stop the World From Pushing You Around: Six Weeks to Solid Self-Confidence."

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