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I don't relate to people and they turn on me. What lesson can I learn from this painful experience?

heart to heart About the Questioner
Philosophy: I am God and I am working on remembering all that I am.
Hopes and aspirations: Christ Consciousness Realized.
I don't have friends, I never did, it seems only men that were interested in me. I don't relate with people very well; there's a pattern of problems in the office. People are afraid of me, they turned on me and it is exhausting. I realized I create all this to show me something... but what? I am different? I must accept myself? I am not interested in people? Please help me if you can see this lesson or pattern.
Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette Doris Jeanette
There is a huge disconnect between what you say you desire, "Christ Consciousness Realized" and what you are living in reality, "I don't have any friends." One is an open hearted, trusting life and the other is a closed hearted, distrustful life. The end result is that you are confused and do not know why you are experiencing such unpleasant results.

You acknowledge that you need to take responsibility for what you have created and yet what you have created does not make any sense to you. Many people are in this confused state of consciousness. They are in despair and they do not know the what, where, when and how of their life circumstances.

Many people long for aspects of their soul and yet do not know how to go about getting positive results. This confused state offers you an excellent opportunity for major transformation. I remember this painful place. I would sit in dark despair, confused that I, who wanted to do well, be so good, and help the world, was alone, hurting and in pain. I did not enjoy other people either. They bored me, they were mean. They hurt me. I would read the self-help books, say the affirmations and be totally confused about my current state. Where were the loving relationships, joy and bliss I desired?

One of the problems I began to notice with the self-help books and the spiritual teachers available to me is that they seemed to forget the process they went through to reach fulfillment. Popular authors reported fantastic end results and did not tell me the process of how they got through the "dark night of the soul." They did not share their difficulties, hardships and sorrow that allowed them to reach "nirvana." Many of them did not even mention the reality of authentic feelings and emotions; it was all about thoughts and thinking.

I also read in the books that I "should" be responsible for all my creations. Yet, how could I be responsible for creating such a miserable life for myself? Let me see if I can share some of the process necessary for transformation with you to help you know the reality you must live through. My goal is to direct you to a point, a place, a space, a way to shift your energy into a more fulfilling path.

First, you need to know that mental confusion can often be a defense mechanism. Yes, strange as it may seem, when you are confused you are in a defensive state. There are many states of consciousness and many behaviors that are defensive. Anytime an explanation does not easily cleared up your confusion you are probably defensive. When we are defensive we:

Stay stuck and do not move forward.
Do not trust and are surrounded by darkness.
Do not know that we are defensive.
When you denial your defensiveness, it is impossible to move forward. Therefore you need feedback from teachers and outside data to help you know when we are being defensive. I am grateful I have trusted outside sources to help me make my way through my defensive energy. From my traditional talk therapist, who first helped me be aware that I was being defensive, to the bass player at the bar who told me I had a "chip on my shoulder," to my current mentor who stays firm when I react to her feedback, I learn and grow.

What do I mean when I say defensive? When I use the term ego, I am talking about defensive energy. The wall around you that I have mentioned in previous answers is composed of defensive energy. Anytime you shut out inner realties and external realties you are in a defensive state. Instead of experiencing your inner and outer realties, you are in touch with your thoughts about reality. Your thoughts about reality are very, very different from reality. This is the reason you have a huge disconnect between what you say you want and what you are living.

Here is a list of thoughts, behaviors, feelings, states and energy that can help you discover when you are being defensive.

You are defensive when you:

Deny the truth in any form
Exaggerate the truth in any form
Refuse to communicate with others
Feel alone and like no one loves you
Have a knee jerk reaction
Are confused
Do not cooperate with others
Shut people out
Think you are better than others
Think you are not as good as others
Make others wrong
Make others bad
Feel misunderstood
Experience anxiety
Tighten your body
Don't notice your body
Push too fast
Slow down too much
Control people
Control yourself
Control your environment
Get stuck
Refuse to move
Shut down your energy
Close your chakras
Avoid genuine feelings and emotions
The most reliable feedback you can use to know if you are being defensive is your physical energy. For example, I was working with a man in my Philadelphia office a few years ago. He looked brittle and upset. Since he was a regular client, my feedback usually helped him become more aware of his body, feelings and energy. Then he could shift his energy immediately, during the session, to a more open, flowing, healthy state. As a result he had reached many of his personal goals. Yet, during this session, every reality I mentioned was denied. He continued to say, "No, I feel just fine. Everything is all right with me. My girlfriend and I are getting along just fine."

Finally, I took my little, wooden ball that I ordered from England many years ago with a long string on it, out of its little box. I asked him if I could check his chakras. He agreed. I placed the ball over the energy flow of each of his chakras. One by one we both saw the little ball tell us that each one of his chakras was totally closed. Shut tight. We both were silent as the feedback from his energy told us clearly that he was in a state of absolute denial.

As a holistic psychologist, I gave up using talk, tests and words many years ago to know the condition of my clients. Psychobabble can get you in a mental mess while using physical data for feedback is very effective and accurate. The most reliable best way to know the truth of your psychological state is to use your energy as feedback about reality.

After my client directly experienced how closed his chakras were, he did not leave and refuse to work on himself. No, he returned for his next appointment eager to work on his issues. The goal of the next session was to help him feel safe enough so he could open up instead of close his energy vortexes.

So perhaps one of your lessons is to stop closing down because the more you close down, the more you will suffer in needless pain. The new, healthy option for you would be to give up your confusion and admit that you are closed. Only by admitting reality will you be able to go forward.

You are absolutely correct that you are responsible for everything you see around you. You have created the unfulfilling relationships at work and at play. However, please be careful about your judgments. Taking responsibility is the only way to empower yourself. However, you may be so judgmental that when you try to take responsibility, you end up blaming yourself. If you stop judging others and start to judge yourself, this is no improvement what so ever. This is exactly where I suspect that you are stuck.

Blame is a mean, nasty, judgmental energy of the ego. Blaming others or yourself will definitely lead to the unpleasant results that you report. On the other hand, taking responsibility for your creations is a healthy, loving, powerful act. If you are responsible for something, you can change it. If you created this mess, you can clean it up.

I am sure you can learn to give up blame and take responsibility for your life circumstances. Then you will definitely move forward and create the life you want with awareness. There will many joys along the way.

Action Steps to Move Forward

  1. Use the Defensive List above whenever you are stuck, confused or unhappy. Go through the Defensive List and notice if any of the behaviors, thoughts, feelings or energy apply to you. The more that apply, the more defensive you are. Admit the truth, which will automatically help you move forward.
  2. Learn more about blame. Get to know the blame energy of the ego as different from taking responsibility as a mature adult. Visit the free library at
  3. Pay attention to outside physical feedback and use the data to increase your connection with reality. Use teachers, coaches, and mentors to help you relate directly to reality, instead of to your thoughts about reality.
  4. Get to know your judgments. Notice how often you judge yourself. Notice how often you judge others. For an entry point to judgmental energy and how to stop it from making you miserable no matter what you do, check out "Find Peace Beyond Judgment and Guilt" audio.
For a full 10 week course on how to step by step become conscious of the judgments that are keeping you from taking responsibility and moving forward, check out the "Overcome Anxiety Naturally" online course.

Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Doris Jeanette, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist with a holistic approach that helps you use facts, data and energy to empower you. She loves to teach, coach and mentor people to self actualization. Check out the Holistic Psychology Mentoring Program and sign up for her free newsletter, "The Vibrant Moment."
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