My homosexual feelings are ruining my relationship with my partner and daughter. My life is now miserable and I don't know what to do.
About the Questioner
Hopes and aspirations: To have a happy life.
There is a recurring situation in USA, of the religious, male preachers who preach vehemently against homosexuality. Guess what happens? They end up getting caught being homosexual! As Shakespeare, the wisest of psychologists said, "He that protests too much," is always the one to suspect! So the more someone judges others for being homosexual, the more likely he is defending against his own homosexuality. Remember this.
For a lively and entertaining read about sex, I suggest the English writer, Reay Tannahill's classic book, "Sex in History." Reading about the heartless persecution of people because they were gay, lesbian, transvestite, transsexual and hermaphrodite will leave any loving, sensitive person awash in disbelief and horror. Unfortunately, there are still places in the world today where men and women cannot live an open life being the way Great Spirit made them.
Homophobia, which is fear of homosexuality, is a very interesting phobia. When you look at it rationally and objectively, it does not make any sense. Objectively, sexual variety would appear to be an excellent way for nature to evolve. In fact, scientist studies have observed many species where homosexual behavior occurs for the highest good of the species. In terms of survival, same sex relationships in humans appear to be an effective way to meet emotional and physical needs.
Never the less, the bottom-line is, your sexual response was hardwired at birth and there is nothing you can do about it. Of course you can deny your sexual response, which is what you have done in the past. You can also condition yourself in painful ways to stop a particular behavior. However, sexual behavior is based on a physiological response that occurs. Therefore, if you have a physiological sexual response to men and women--you are bisexual.
For example, I was working with a married couple in counseling a few years ago. The wife was bisexual. Like you, she became aware of her same sex feelings after several years of marriage. She was feeling guilty about the changes she was going through. She took her husband to the bisexual support meetings because she wanted him to also explore his same sex feelings. Being open minded he went along with her and gave it a try.
They attended the bisexual support group for several months together. During a private session with the husband, I asked him if he was bisexual. He looked me straight in the eye and confessed in desperation, "No, no matter what I do, it just will not rise." Bottom-line, you cannot make yourself be something that you are not. If you force yourself to be something that you are not, you will be miserable and unhealthy.
You need to bear in mind the consequences of denying or conditioning your sexuality. Healthy sexual energy is extremely important for spiritual development. You do not need to have a partner or engage in sexual activities with others. As a matter of fact, some times spiritual people become celibate so they can focus on their purpose in life.
However, you must allow your sexual energy to flow naturally. If you inhibit your sexual energy, you tighten your body and this closes your chakras. The results could be serve depression, paranoia, impotency, anxiety, psychosis and diseases associated with the chakras that are closed.
Bisexuality and homosexuality were considered normal in ancient Greek cultures. However, a recent study shows that homosexuality is definitely not accepted in modern Greece.
On the other hand, in the USA we think of your Netherlands as a Mecca for gay people and gay culture. Their laws and attitude are much kinder to gay men and lesbians. When I was in Aruba, which is also highly influenced by the Dutch culture, one of the most striking behaviors I observed was how many multicultural, intimate relationships walked around with total body comfort and freedom. Thus, I would conclude that your culture is more accepting than most to bisexuality. If this is not true, please write me and correct my information.
Therefore, I would deduct that your major problem with your current situation is your concern and love for your long-term girlfriend and your daughter's strong judgment against your gay behavior. Naturally, your girlfriend and daughter are invested in keeping you close to them. I am sure they love you even though they are attempting to control you by guilt tripping and shaming you. I am sure you love them and do not want to hurt them in anyway.
It is not uncommon for gay people to get married and have children. You and your girlfriend need to continue to talk and express your truths to each other. The two of you can create a plan that will help both of you to be healthy and happy in the long run. This may be easier than you think if you allow the natural process of change to unfold.
However, there is no way to avoid hurt during this period of time. You are hurting, your girlfriend is hurting and your daughter is hurting. All of you need support and guidance to get through this change in a way that is positive for everyone. Seek out holistic professionals who have been trained in sex therapy and couples counseling. If anyone judges you and makes you wrong or bad, keep looking until you find a qualified, seasoned professional.
It would be wonderful if you could cry together and love each other through this difficult period. Use the love between you to help each of you become more open and emotionally stronger. If you stay with yourself as you go through this transformational opportunity, you will open your heart and grow as a spiritual person. If you close down, you will experience resentment, bitterness and psychological problems.
Hurt is the wonderful stimulus that opens your heart and solar plexus. Think of your body like a hand that has been frostbitten. When your hand is frostbitten it has no pain. Your hand is about to die and it is numb. When you begin to warm up a frostbitten hand it hurts a great deal. The reason it hurts is because it is becoming more alive. This is true for you too; the pain that you feel, is a sign that you are becoming more alive. If you focus on healing yourself, you will reap big rewards.
To heal, you need to feel your authentic hurt. Read last week's answer for more information about how finding, healing and following your emotional self will lead you to your purpose in life. The change that is occurring in your life is an opportunity for you to become more authentic. The more authentic you become, the more your soul will dominate your personality and the less your ego will run the show.
Remind yourself often that your pain has a purpose and you will be stronger and wiser as you become more honest about who you are. As your heart opens, you will improve your self-esteem, experience ecstasy, and have more meaning and purpose in everyday life.
Action Steps to Move Forward:
- Examine your own judgments, thoughts and feelings about same sex relationships. Do you protest too much? Are you comfortable with your sexuality? Notice every time you judge someone or yourself as inferior or superior based on sexual or gender identified behaviors.
- Do not make any decision now or later, based on guilt. Pay attention to guilt trips and do not let them control you and make you weak. Guilt is of the ego and it is a form of manipulation. Make decisions based on your authentic self and your soul which will lead to your purpose in life. Read about how to live a guilt free life in the free library at Dr.Jeanette.com.
- Feel your hurt and pain so you do not close your chakras tighter. Open up to your hurt so you can heal your past wounds and stop repeating the same old hurtful patterns in relationships. Use emotionally safe teachers, coaches and guides to help you feel your authentic emotions. The third audio in "Opening the Heart" is called, "When You're Hurting..." It was made to help you feel your current hurt, heal your past hurt and protect yourself from future hurt.
- Continue to study natural laws and metaphysical laws. If you apply these powerful laws to your life, they will help you move through this painful period of change with more ease and purpose.
Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Doris Jeanette, Psy. D. is a licensed psychologist and trained sex therapist with 34 years of clinical experience helping people accept their natural born sexuality and use their spiritual energy for the highest good. She is available for consultations, supervision and mentoring on the phone and in person. Sign up for her free holistic psychology newsletter, "The Vibrant Moment" for more mind-body-spirit information.