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I suspect the way I have been meeting my sexual needs in the past is causing problems, and I fear this will affect my present relationship.

heart to heart Question
I'm an Indian man. I have been masturbating since I was 10 years old. Now I am 26. When I go to touch my girlfriend I ejaculate too quickly. I'm very upset. Please help me!
Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette
Thank you for your straightforward question about sexual health. We need to embrace, accept and nourish our sexual selves because our bodies and sexuality have been wounded by centuries of nasty, mean, worldwide mental judgments.

Rare is it for us to be taught to love, accept and express our sexual needs in healthy, life fulfilling ways. Instead we are taught that our body is dirty, smelly and sinful. And we are wrong and bad if we enjoy any pleasure from our body! As a result we struggle to find effective ways to meet our sexual needs and express our passion and vital energy.

Doris Jeanette This means that you are underneath a mountain of religious judgments, governmental judgments, parental judgments and self-judgments. These judgments can quickly put water on your passion, fire and healthy sexuality. In addition, these mental judgments can make you hide what you are doing and finish "the sinful act" so fast that you feel guilty and bad about yourself.

I have helped scores of men and women successfully improve their sexual health over the last 34 years by teaching them how to reduce their anxiety. This means I teach people how to relax their physical body and let go of their mental judgments. Even sexually abused people can reclaim their healthy sexual response if they receive the proper guidance, learning information and deconditioning program.

Working on yourself sexually will reap big dividends because your sexual energy feeds your physical health, emotional health and mental health. Your gonads are the primary source of your physical energy and life force. The strength and health of your sexual response can determine whether you are sick or healthy. As you work on freeing your sexual self, you will become healthier. This is because your strong, robust, sexual energy will feed both your body and soul. And if you add love to the mix, your heart will open and your whole being will glow!

First let me say that masturbation is not unhealthy for you unless you are anxious when you are masturbating. If you are a sexually healthy man you may masturbation a few times a week or not at all if you are engaged in other creative activities. Healthy masturbation is a relaxed, enjoyable, self-nourishing experience with your body, heart and soul. You feel good and happy afterwards. As a result of healthy sexual activity you will experience more energy flowing in your head, body and around your body.

On the other hand, if you are anxiously masturbating several times a day you are depleting your energy. Frequent masturbation is a symptom of a more serious problem--extremely high anxiety. If this is your problem you need to address your high anxiety directly at its source instead of depleting your energy even more with excessive masturbation.

Tantric yoga discovered many years ago that it is best for a man to not ejaculate quickly and often if you want strong, healthy energy. While I agree with this basic premise, I disagree with the point of view that men should not ejaculate at all. I think healthy men need to ejaculate in a relaxed manner for full pleasure as needed. The "as needed" is an individual choice and depends on the physical and emotional health of the man.

As far as I am concerned, if you are relaxed and loving, the outcome will always be healthy for you. This means you can ejaculate as often as you like in masturbation or with a partner in a relaxed and natural fashion. In a healthy sexual situation you will not have problems with premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or a sex addiction.

In 1975 when I was being trained as a sex therapist at Temple Medical School, premature ejaculation was easy to treat with a simple squeeze technique. In 2010, it is much harder to turn premature ejaculation around. I think this is because men are more anxious now in general and the placebo effect has worn off. So we need a new placebo effect! In truth, we need a treatment that goes to the heart of what the problem is instead of just a quick technique.

As a holistic psychologist, the only way to solve any problem is to address you as a whole person. This means taking a look at your mind, body and spirit. When you ejaculate too quickly your sexual response is out of control and you do not have any say so about what is going on.

You need to:

STOP and listen.

Your body is sending you a loud message.

Your heart is sending you a loud message.

Your soul is sending you a loud message.

What are they saying to you?

Really listen so you can understand the fact that your sexual energy is out of control and you are powerless. Write down the answers to these questions so you can begin to solve your sexual problem at its source.

A man cannot "will" an erection or an orgasm. It is not possible. Your ego cannot control your penis. Your body will not allow this to happen. However, your penis can control you. Your penis can ejaculate when you don't want it to and it can refuse to stand up when you do want it too. Therefore, it is best to cooperate with nature because you will never be able to control your penis.

The lesson you need to learn is that your penis will render you helpless as long as you try to control it. This means you have to let go of control in order to find your healthy sexual response. You have to give up your ego if you want to enjoy divine sex and healthy lovemaking. To give up your ego you must become more relaxed, open and sincere.

You have to let go of control and let your penis lead the way. Your body knows the natural pathway to successful lovemaking, healthy masturbation and soul fulfillment. After all, divine sex is about sharing our soul with each other and not about fast, quick ejaculations.

The specific skills you need to learn are how to:

  1. Relax your body.
  2. Let go of control.
  3. Stop being judgmental.
  4. Give up guilt.
  5. Reduce your anxiety.
I have enjoyed calling the healthy, male sexual response, the "Inner Stud." Here is how a client of mine about a decade ago gave me this creative name.

A young, handsome man walked into my office and sat down. I looked at him and asked, "How can I help you?" He looked me in the eye and said, "I want to be a stud."

I was taken aback and held my breath. No one had ever said anything like this to me ever. And this was in the first sentence of the first session. I thought to myself, "Oh my! How straightforward and to the point!" I took a deep breath... and said out loud, "Let's get to work."

So the answer is clear, if you want to cure your premature ejaculation, it is best to let of your controlled, Inner Critic and embrace your natural, Inner Stud!

Action Steps to Take

  1. Learn to relax your body. Do not use hypnosis or mental activities to relax your body. You need to pay attention, in a conscious state, to your muscles and learn to relax them. I have reviewed many relaxation audio and I don't like any of them due to their "affective" nature. If you know of a good one please send me an email about it and I will share it with others.
  2. Let go of mental judgments and guilt. I suggest the educational audio, "Find Peace Beyond Guilt and Judgment." It gives you a nice start in taming your Inner Critic by explaining the different energies so you can become more aware of your self-judgments and let them go.
  3. Learn to reduce your anxiety. Work with a teacher, psychologist or coach who knows how to do relaxation therapy and sexual therapy. You can also take the online course, "For Men: Become a Better Lover," that teaches you how to reduce your anxiety so you can overcome premature ejaculation. Check it out and read how my handsome client learned to become a stud.

Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
Doris Jeanette, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist and trained sex therapist with 34 years of experience helping men and women connect sex and love energies by opening their hearts. She is head mentor of a Holistic Psychology Mentoring Program, and director of the Center for New Psychology which offers a Certification Program in Holistic Psychology. To learn more about holistic psychology sign up for her free newsletter, "The Vibrant Moment."

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