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I'm engaged to a faithful man but I can't stop nagging him about one thing or another.

heart to heart About the Questioner
Philosophy: I am an open book. I have read many books on spirtitualism since I was 14... i read James van Praugh books as well as Slyvia Brown. I have an open and understanding relationship with God and my spiritual guides.
Hopes and aspirations: To be a happy/good person and a great mother.
I have been dating the same man for 2 years now. Our relationship started off rocky... we were both drinking heavily and going out a lot. He did not want a relationship and made it very clear. I could not accept it... and I kept making myself available to him. He had relations with other women in between (some of which were my friends). After a year of this behavior, he finally committed to me completely and fully. We moved in together and he took my daughter in as his own. He taught me how to drive and how to do other things I didn't do before. He cut ties with all the other women and gave himself to me fully. He has been faithful and everything I could ask for, but I have one problem: I can't be happy with him. If it isn't one thing I am nagging about it is another. I want more of this or more of that. I am bossy and impatient... but I do love him. Somehow I can't forget his past with me and I feel rejected and very jealous when any girl notices him... or if I see a girl he used to date. I want to keep my family with him... and we are engaged now. I just don't know how to be normal I guess. Please if you have any advice I would appreciate it.
Reply by Coach Phil Evans Phil Evans
My intention is to empower everybody who asks for help - if I can. Quite often the best way to help with that empowerment is to ask questions. My main question of you is this: "Why have you now gotten engaged when you can't be happy with this man?" And ... "What is that you are constantly nagging him about?" And ... "What are you being bossy and impatient about?"

It seems to me that your own 'stuff' is coming to the surface to be healed; but it can only be healed if you accept it as your own, and you decide to deal with it. If we can own anything in our lives - then we can change it! It is my feeling that if you can heal this within yourself - then you may break a nagging feeling within yourself about 'men are going to let me down and hurt me.' Does this reflect anything at all about your childhood experiences within your own family?

I deeply believe that respect is the foundation on which all good relationships are built; and the lack of respect is one of the most common reasons for relationships (of all kinds) breaking down! If you truly respected your fianc - and yourself - would you need to feel so insecure?

What's the best way to get respect? Demand it - or earn it? Let me tell you a personal story. I recently discovered that one of my good friends, Vince Stanton, was based on the same remote Air Force Radar Station as I was, back in 1972. We've had a few laughs about that, but it has also brought up a very valuable memory of an experience I had as a 22 year old Air Force guy.

My Commanding Officer at the time was a Wing Commander who was a little bit older than most of the other senior officers around back then. And he was certainly about 10 times my age! He was one of those people who demanded respect, and one day was 'barking at me' me about something I had done to upset him. He eventually yelled at me, and probably with very good reason, but these were his words of choice, .... "You WILL respect me"!

And this was my response: "Yes, Sir, I certainly will - when you earn it and not before. Because, Sir, like lots of other people, you demand it but don't necessarily earn it!"

And he replied, "Well, you know what Leading Aircraftsman Evans; thank you, because you just earned MY respect; now get out of my office"!

"Yes Sir"! .... and sure, I got out of his office as quickly as possible!

I didn't really understand the true significance of that experience at the time, but apart from me being aware of my ability to stand up for myself, I have carried that view of respect with me to this day, without ever really thinking of that scene from way back then.

And like all other aspects of our nature: respect begins with self! When we practice self-respect; and show respect to others: we earn the respect we deserve!

I look forward to your thoughts and feelings regarding this ... Sent with love and caring - from my heart to yours.

Coaching copyright © 2010 Phil Evans, People Stuff

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