Question 244 - Personal Coaching by Phil Evans

The jealousy I feel about the female friend of my boyfriend is out of control

About the Questioner

Philosophy: I am a Christian. I try to be the best person that I can be and try to be always positive, optimistic and happy.
Hopes and aspirations: Sometime in the future I want to be able to start a foundation for poor children in my country of origin - Chile.

Question

Hi! I'm very confident and I value myself a lot, but I feel very "jealous" about ONE of my boyfriend's friends. He has many female friends and that's healthy! My problem is that after 4 months of dating we had an incident; someone sent me an anonymous email with chat transcripts between my boyfriend and a male friend. Apparently 2 months after my boyfriend and I started dating, he met this girl, and after only 2 dates with her he was writing to his friend that he liked her and that he was going to let me go or put me down but not until he was sure the girl was lined up. I also discovered that one time when she was not available he asked me out like I was second choice. When I read that I felt horrible! He claimed she was only a friend and he was no longer interested so I took a leap of faith decided to "forgive" and continue. I told him I'm ok with the friendship but it bothers me how close they've become! I think I'm angry that he dismisses my feelings but maybe I'm insecure? I don't know how to heal myself. This is the only thing in my entire life that breaks me down and I feel ashamed because he loves me but I can't control how I feel.

Reply by Coach Phil Evans

Your situation is one of there being a fine line between you feeling jealous, insecure, and threatened; and you allowing your boyfriend to 'use and abuse you'. Your failure to actually do anything regarding the situations mentioned, is showing him that he can continue to act this way, and that it will be okay with you because you won't actually do anything.

Please learn to understand this following rule of life: "We teach others how to treat us!" Yes - that's right! We teach them what they can - or can't - get away with. Your boyfriend is showing no respect for you - but it seems to me that you have to earn it first. Personally, just from the small amount of information I have here, I feel that you deserve much better treatment from a partner; but you must earn that too!

"Every man is valued in this world as he shows by his conduct that he wishes to be valued." ~Jean De La Bruyere

What this is really saying is that we show the world just how we want to be treated by our behavior and interactions with others. We teach others how to treat us!

Showing respect - will usually earn respect. Not allowing unacceptable behaviour to be dumped upon us - will earn acceptable behaviour towards us. Caring about others - doing good for others - will usually earn the good and caring of others directed toward us.

Does your behaviour show the world that you are valuable? Do you earn respect - by setting good standards with others? Do you think that you deserve to be valued by others - because if you don't - guess what - you won't!

Show others how to treat you by working on yourself ... not them, you can't change them, you can only change the dynamic that exists between you both. That's all you can change - by working on you!

This answer of mine may not be what you wanted to see - but I am hopefull that it really does help you because it is one of those 'hard lessons' that we sometimes need to hear or see. I send this to you with love and respect; and if you would liek some Personal Life Coaching through this (so you can learn to never repeat this again) please let me know.

Our lessons in life are often challenging; and those same tough ones are often our most important to learn.

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