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How can I get this girl to give it one more try and have the opportunity to prove that we can be good together again?


heart to heart The questioner's philosophy
My philosophy on life is "if you love something or someone then it is worth fighting for." I'd count myself as an optimist the majority of the time although I can have deep depressions. I have spiritualist tendencies.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
To be happy and safe but have a flamboyant element to my life with nice things and people around me.
Question
3 years ago my marriage of 13 years broke down. I very quickly met another woman called X who went onto cheat on me. I suppose I never really got over her until recently. This relationship lasted just under a year. 2 years ago I met another woman Y, who was beautiful, kind, loving and caring. We had a fantastic time for the first 6 months, then thoughts of X began to surface again, which wasn't helped by the fact that X would contact me often attempting to re-establish a relationship.

This went on for 18 months during which time, and in reflection, I was distant, uninterested and miserable when with Y. She could sense problems and we got into a cycle of splitting up and getting back together. 4 weeks ago she ended the relationship permantly (and I can't blame her). Since this time X has disappeared for good. I've realized what a fool I've been and what a damaging influence X was on me. I've tried to contact Y on numerous occasions but she replies by SMS stating that she won't talk to me, as we both need to learn to be alone again and move on.

My problem is I can see the sense in what she is saying but I've had a real apithany! I've realized what I've lost and realized what a beautiful person Y is. I don't want to move on because I feel I've met my soul mate. I'm in a good place now and know for certain that if she came back to me we would go on to have a fulfilling and wholesome life together. I don't want to keep pestering her as it will stress her out and maybe even have a negative affect, but, how can I get this girl to give it one more try and have that opportunity to prove that we can be good together again? I've been honest with her and told her about the other girl; she states that she is okay with that but doesn't want another relationship with me as we've tried too many times without success.
Reply by Coach Phil Evans
Maurice Turmel
Maurice's reply: I too am an optimist as often as I can be - which fortunately is most of the time - but that took some doing due to some tough times earlier in life. But I got there. I think that one of the most important lessons that I had to learn was to let go at times. As per the very wise words in the song The Gambler by Kenny Rogers ... "You've gotta know when to hold 'em - know when to fold 'em; know when to walk away and know when to run."

Despite that principle ringing loudly for me in the way of advice ... I would still give it one more shot! If you haven't already told your girlfriend exactly what you've told me - then I suggest that you do. Let her know exactly how you feel (text maybe?) - and that you would like the opportunity to have one chance to tell her face to face. If she's prepared to listen.

If that doesn't work - then go back to the song; remembering that you have created this; but you also need to forgive yourself for doing it! Own it - let it go - forgive yourself - move on - accept it - learn from the experience!

This situation that you have created is a tough one - and I feel for you, having been there before myself. You can do this - and you can do this well - with open and honest sharing of feelings and intentions. Remembering that for your sake, you must learn to NOT be attached to the outcome, if the lady doesn't run to share in your feelings and future. I do wish you well - and I do hope that this bit of tough advice sits okay with you.

If you need further ideas and support in attempting to restore your relationship, Trans4mind recommends one product in particular: The Magic Of Making Up that I'm sure would be both appropriate and helpful.

And this is a piece from my website about optimism that I feel is relevant...

Yesterday | Today | Tomorrow
One of the most common themes being written about by most of the global gurus in recent times, is the importance of living in the moment! Learning to embrace this day; right here; right now! And this has been even more apparent to me over the past few weeks.

I often refer to the importance of learning to do exactly that - and yes most of us have to learn it, as it is not a natural thing for us to do, due to what life has taught us. Nevertheless, it's possibly one of the most important lessons in life.

There are two things that rob us of the pleasure of actually living in today:
  1. If we are stuck in the past in any way whatsoever! And ...
  2. If we are worried about anything at all which 'may happen' in the future!
When it comes to making the absolute best of today, they are our prime 'thieves of success' ... if we let them. And we CAN choose not to!

I consider the following thoughts (as mantras) to be fundamental in allowing us to optimise our lives, so that we CAN live to our maximum potential with minimum pressure (present and future) ...
"I choose to let go of the past and all of its painful lessons; to forgive myself and others for all mistakes and misdemeanors; to make amends wherever possible; to completely embrace each new day as a gift, and live it to its fullest by learning to enjoy every moment; to love and accept myself just the way that I am; and to confidently look forward to living a bright, healthy and prosperous future!"
Masami Sato, in her wonderful little book Joy, says that

Acceptance of the Past + Trust of the Future = Love in the Present

So, here's an extra couple of ways to approach this theme ...
"Letting go of the past; and trusting in the future; allow me to fully live in this day ... and completely enjoy every special moment!"
"Every step that I take is a step in the right direction. Every step that I take my confidence is building, and I am becoming increasingly optimistic that I am headed for a bright, healthy, and prosperous future!"
"I choose to be the best person that I can be ... every day!"
If we can learn to focus on that way of thinking, and constantly practise actually doing it, then we all stand a chance of having great days more often! Yes - it does take focus and practise ... lots of it!

"The Optimists Creed" by Christian D. Larson
Promise Yourself ...
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

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