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I was unfaithful to my boyfriend. How can I win his love and trust back?
About the Questioner
Philosophy: I'm a Muslim who believes that the universe always gives us what we want.
Hopes and aspirations: I hope to have a stable relationship with the man of dreams.
I have been dating this amazing guy (he is 31). When me and my bf started having some trouble in our relationship I decided to contact his cousin behind his back to help me, though he warned me to stay away from his cousin because he doesn't trust him and because his cousin is a playboy who takes advantage of women. He promised me that my bf will not know anything about it but I have to admit that I was a bit attracted to this cousin.
Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette
Anyways, at the end of last May my bf and I were going out of the movies when we got into a huge fight, and he dropped me off to my car. I was so angry I called his cousin who came and picked me up. We were discussing what happened in the car and at the end he hugged me I took this as a friendly gesture. My bf and didn't talk for 2 days and in these 2 days I was talking to his cousin all day. Then we decided to meet, just to talk. In the middle of our conversation I kissed him and we started making out and he touched my breasts but it didn't go further from there. When I went home he called me and started talking about our kiss and what happened and he suggested we go to a hotel room.
The next day I was laughing and discussing details with him, though I was not planning to sleep with him. All of a sudden I hear my bf's voice... he heard the whole conversation! He was yelling, called me a whore and broke up with me. I tried calling him but he wouldn't listen so I gave him his space. After a month I contacted him again. I apologized but he said it was over. I tried talking to him again until he came around... he said he needs time to decide if he wants to give me another chance. Then we started talking everyday and I felt things were going back to normal. Couple of days ago I asked him again, what's his decision? He said he is still mad and he wants to get over what happened and then decide if he want to be with me or not. How can I help him to get over what happened and start all over again? How can I win his love and trust back? Please help me save my relationship!
According to psychological research, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Unfortunately, this is true, even when we intend to change and develop ourselves, we frequently do not behave differently over the long haul. Just ask any person who has tried to give up overeating or over-drinking. They can force themselves to lose weight and stop drinking. But they cannot keep the weight off or the intoxication out of their system. They return to the same unhealthy behaviors again and again. This is true with sex addiction, gambling and any other addiction you can imagine.
Given the way you behaved, I would have a great deal of trouble trusting you too. I imagine that your own inner child does not trust you either. Trust, once broken, is hard to repair. For example, in the public arena we can see how Tiger Woods' behavior caused him to lose his lovely wife. This is the reason it is wise to develop yourself and be responsible for yourself before you behave in ways that hurt you.
Once you have created a relationship mess, you are in a difficult situation. However, take heart, there is always hope and a clear path to personal growth and self-improvement. What you need to do is clean up the mess you made. It is not helpful to make excuses for your past behavior or promises about your future behavior. Instead, you need to take yourself to task and begin to live a life that shows the world that you are trustable, honest and noble.
If Tiger Woods were my client I would encourage him to be fully accountable for his inappropriate behavior and his sex addiction. As a holistic psychologist with an alternative, new psychology, I know if Tiger Wood wants to stop his sex addiction he has to deal with the root cause of his behavior. I would tell him, "Grab yourself by the shirt collar, pull yourself in front of a mirror and take a good, long look at yourself. You need to see what you have done and be accountable for the results." I would teach him to give up self judgment and self pity. Then I would show him how to open his heart, feel his feelings and start a life of honesty.
When we look at your behavior, it appears that you are addicted to needing approval and attention from men. If you want to stop your approval addiction, you need to help yourself with your addiction at the source. Words and promises mean nothing when it comes to trust. Your behavior is what you need to apologize for and change from this day forward. And the only way to change your behavior permanently is to change what made you behave in such an un-trustable fashion in the first place. So you need to look inward and open your heart to the truth that is inside of you.
Answer these questions as honestly as you can:
- What caused you to contact his cousin the first time behind your boyfriend's back?
- What kept you from trusting and respecting your boyfriend?
- What part of you kissed his cousin?
- Why did you continue to make contact with his cousin?
From your behavior, it appears that you feel insecure about yourself, your body and your sexuality. You do not trust others. To help you become more secure you need to go to the root of your insecurity and build up from the bottom a solid, secure base of trust, accountability and honesty.
Your goal needs to change from wanting to get your boyfriend back, to the goal of growing up. Once you become emotionally secure, you will not need approval from men or sex to make you feel good about yourself. To grow up you need to be accountable for your behavior, forgive yourself of past actions and go forward by developing self-love and self-respect. Once you have self-love and self-respect, you will give love and respect to others. You will respect your next boyfriend and respect the trust that he has placed in you.
The best place for you to start is to find the energy of your emotional self. She is a little girl inside of you who is looking for approval from men. She does not trust anyone and this includes you, the adult woman who is in charge of her. As an adult, you are not taking proper care of your body and your emotional self by putting yourself in dangerous situations between two men. I am not sure of the culture and laws in your country but you could be the victim of violence, rape and even death if you continue to act out your emotional insecurities in unhealthy, sexual ways.
My hope is that you find the courage to take care of your emotional needs in healthy, life affirming ways so that you can hold your head high, protect your emotional self and hold your body sacred. For your body is the temple of divine energy.
If you are interested in a guide to help you find the energy of your emotional self, consider the "Opening the Heart" audio or E-book. The three hours of audio help you look inside and heal your broken heart.
Coaching copyright © 2010 Dr. Doris Jeanette
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