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I'm deeply hurt when my boyfriend doesn't inform me what he's doing and what's happening in his life.

heart to heart About the Questioner
Philosophy: Christian.
Hopes and aspirations: To build my own company. My family would be spiritually healthy.
My boyfriend and I have mutual feelings. We shared life, sex, spiritual principles. He said he loves me. Not a single day would he miss to text and call me to ask about my condition and inform me about what's happening with him. He always said he loves me and I missed those words. He's in the army and we're far from each other. I love and do care much about him. I've forgotten my pride and given every attention, time, understanding for him.

It's been 3 days since he didn't text or call me. I don't know what's happening, if we're over or what? All I want is to know why? I'm deeply hurt because I'm thinking I'm not that important to him. He might be busy but he must have a single minute to tell me. When he was in operations before, he would inform me about it. When going to a basketball game I'm the first to know about his schedules. Now, however, I'm clueless.

Is he leaving or withdrawing? At first we're not committed but we have intimate understanding of our own feelings. We are not committed but we know we're mutually in love and we have the feelings of commitment. I've been loyal and faithful to him.

What should I do? I'm greatly hurt by missing his presence? I feel miserable because I'm clueless...

Reply by Coach Phil Evans Phil Evans
Your man is in the army. Being in the army requires people to be doing things that sometimes would demand 'outside the square' situations. Whether he is away on military duty somewhere, or just living his normal military life, there are many reasons for you not having any communication from him. Many! Have you sent a message asking him if he is okay? Because there simply are far too many variables which could be contributing to this situation, the answer is not a simple one.

Regardless of his reason/s for not contacting you, it is your fear of losing him that is destroying your ability to be at peace with whatever is going on. I do feel for you very much - because as I am an adoptee (adopted out at birth) I have personally deeply experienced the feeling of loss or abandonment - and even 'normal' separation from loved ones could cause massive grieving and emotional pain for me (and this is common among adoptees and foster children). Do you happen to be adopted or a foster child?

I wish you well with your situation here - and ask you to work on trusting that everything is okay. And if it turns out that he is avoiding contact with you for a bad or sad reason - then deal with that, as and when you are sure! This email is from my heart to yours - and sent with love and caring for you.

Response from Questioner
Thank you so much. I asked him what happened for the past few days and he said they were studying with the nurses. I felt bad because I believe he can spare a minute to inform me about it. I'm not adopted but when I was a child my mother would leave us because she was having a misunderstanding with my dad.

That is also what I'm afraid of. Losing someone special in my life. If I started to love and value them I would tend to hold them forever and it hurts me badly when they're gone. I can accept it but it would remain in my mind. I ignored suitors before because I don't want parting ways. When I had my first boyfriend and we ended up, it took four years for me to love again.

Now, I don't want it to happen. I just hate this man for not informing me of his whereabouts. His also firm that even if it's his fault he would not admit it, so I who understand would have to surrender.

Further reply by Coach Phil Evans
And thank you for your response Cherrie... You have what we call a 'pattern' in your life, which seems to be about being abandoned at different times during your childhood years. It is amazing just how much these emotional-based feelings and mindsets can control the quality of our lives when we have experienced them in early years. It leaves many of us with huge emotional 'attachment' issues to people; and when there is a break-up, the pain is as you have described... Horrible pain, and longer lasting than other people who can get over things - and people - a lot easier. In fact, other people wouldn't necessarily feel that he "should have let you know what he was doing" to the emotional extent that you feel.

Now, here's some information which is going even deeper into your emotional and psychological feelings and behaviours: this stuff of yours is all based in mistrust! In other words, you and others like you, feel that you just can't trust anybody who you allow to get 'close to you', because ultimately they are going to let you down, and leave you! That is a belief, and you will constantly be looking for the proof that you are correct. You, and others like you, will always find the evidence that your belief is true! (I know this so well ... it used to be me!)

One way to overcome these deep scars properly, and in a reasonably short time period, is to use either EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and/or Ho'oponopono. If you look them up on the Internet you will find a huge range of information regarding them both.

Especially try YouTube - as there are videos in there on how to use these techniques; and if used in conjunction with each other, they are extremely powerful.

Yes - they work! I can personally say that I use them very effectively myself - for my own healing. The more that I can heal myself, then the better I am at being able to coach and heal others. That is a great principle of life: Healing, and peace, begin within!

Further response from Questioner
I love your advice. One thing more... when I am attracted to one person I become pessimistic. It always enters my mind that the things I hate about myself, he would discover them, and one day I'll be awake with news that he realized he never loved me or liked me.

I am afraid that I will disappoint the person or people around me. I am very afraid that I won't reach their expectations. I am afraid that I can commit mistakes in their sight. To be honest, I'm living a life in hiding - I'm lying to myself and telling that I'm not; although the reality is I hate where and what I am now. I graduated with honors when I was in college and now I'm working with the lowest position in the company although I'm receiving a high salary. I accepted this because as the eldest child of our family I need to send my siblings to school and support my family for their everyday needs. Both my parents were hoping for my salary. I've given up my dreams to pursue Bachelor of Law. It hurts me so much that I even cried about it. To think I attended the two days of class, meeting new friends, and then suddenly the money intended for my enrolment was borrowed by my aunt and I can't say no. The problem is I'm very submissive to those superior to me. I become speechless and follow their will.

I hated myself because I failed the foundation training I attended. That's why I was put to a lower position and I can't even tell everyone who knows me in our province. I tried to look for another job but they were offering a lower salary, that's why I didn't accept it. I always put my family needs higher than my personal and career growth. It's true that I'm part of Human Resources Department under Recruitment but considered as Receptionist. I hate myself about that.

Help me. I have many fears that I need to overcome. I hope you would be willing to understand my situation. Thank you so much.

Further reply by Coach Phil Evans
My rule of life is Family First! Even though I still love everyone else in my life.

You are living in constant fear that you are going to disappoint someone and let them down, so they will then abandon you! You put everybody else first and your own needs last! You don't feel worthy, so you do everything that you can possibly do to get people to like you! Does that all sound correct to you? If it does ... then you need to learn to be true to yourself! First and foremost!

Learn to be selfish. Yes that's sometimes hard - but necessary! Because you are accepting second-best for yourself with your job and career (professional) situation; and other people are somehow getting what is rightly yours; your inner self is feeling like absolute crap! Your sense of self and accomplishment is feeling betrayed; which is leading to you constantly feeling miserable and full of fears. These fears play out in every aspect of your life!

This will take some hard work on your part to reverse the situation; much courage and determination; and the right guidance and healing methods! I wish you well and send you my deepest regards for a strong recovery from these aspects of your life which are robbing you of the ability to enjoy joy, peace, and happiness by being able to experience emotional freedom.

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