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Wanting to marry someone in the same religious group has now left me trapped in a foreign country with a cruel wife.

heart to heart About the Questioner
Philosophy: In the last year, I have lost almost all my spiritual feelings, beliefs and practices. I believe that God does not care for those who love Him.
Hopes and aspirations: I want to write music that brings people joy. I would like to continue to be a spiritual teacher, but now that I have lost my love of God, I don't know what to do.
I am trapped in a foreign country. I married a woman two years ago from this foreign country. We lived for a while in the U.S. However, she was unhappy. She said that she wanted to go home because she could not practice her profession, as she would need to go through a lengthy re-licensing process. I think the real reason she wanted to go home is to be near her mother. Even at the beginning of our dating relationship, my wife and I fought. She was critical of me and cruel. However, she belonged to the same spiritual group as I did. I wanted to marry someone in the same religious group. I was the formal representative of the chapter in my city. I asked her to move to the U.S. and help me run the group. She complained about everything. We fought frequently, but the group loved her and I was in love with the idea of having a spiritual woman as a wife. So, I married her.

When two members of the group wrote poison-pen letters to the Head Leader of our spiritual group, the leader asked me to step down as representative. My wife immediately insisted we move back to her country. I spent all my money moving her to the U.S., and then moving us back to her country. I want a divorce, but I cannot afford to move back to the U.S. I was devastated when my spiritual leader asked me to step down as leader. I devoted all my energies to leading this group for six years. I completely devoted myself to serving God. I feel God has deserted me.

I can afford to fly back to the U.S., but I cannot afford to bring all my belongings, the tools of my profession, etc., back to the U.S. Sometimes, I feel great panic at the thought of leaving my wife. This is my third marriage. I don't want to be alone. I feel old and don't believe I will ever meet another woman. She stopped going to marital therapy with me. She has so many problems from her past (sexual abuse) that I don't think she can ever trust a man. How do I get out of this country? The language is very difficult. How can I stop the pain?

Reply by Coach Phil Evans Phil Evans
This is a tough situation that you find yourself in - but like all tough situations, there is always a way out if you can be strong and true to yourself - yes YOU!

It is my very strong feeling that you have allowed religion to control you and your life. That is NOT blaming or condemning your religion, whichever type it was, and that doesn't matter to me right now. Just so that you are very clear here, with my intentions and my own spirituality, I am not religious - but I am extremely spiritual in how I live my life and guide others to do the same.

You mentioned a passion to write music and for that music to make people happy and bring them joy. It is my feeling that you should follow that passion; and don't waste any more time in feeling anxiety and pain regarding the loss of love for God.

I would suggest and recommend to you that you need to find your love for SELF, and then you might reconnect with the love for God. Yes, you must selfishly begin to love and nurture yourself, to be true to your inner self, and to pursue that dream of yours to write beautiful joyous music for the pleasure and enjoyment of others. Give within to eventually be able to give outwardly!

Healing begins within! Peace begins within! You must learn to be true to the Man in the Mirror, my friend. And that's You! It is my firm belief that if you can learn to be true to yourself, that you will regain your love of God. And if you don't achieve that - then perhaps you can learn to live a good life writing good music. At least that will fulfill you at a level of allowing you to feel a purpose in life. We all need to have a purpose. All of us.

In regards to all the malicious events in your spiritual group (or religious group?) with your wife and others - I would recommend some powerful forgiveness to help you to let go of the harmful element of what they have done to you. Forgive and let go - if you can. What you do about your marriage is entirely up to your ability to heal the results of the events in your life surrounding the harsh treatment of you and the dismissal from your role. From now on I would recommend that you constantly ask yourself these questions:

Is what I'm doing serving me and my needs?
What can I learn from this?
Am I being true to myself?
I wish you well in everything and hope that this email is of some help to you.

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