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heart to heart About the Questioner
Philosophy: I am a Catholic.
Hopes and aspirations: I wish to be mature, not afraid of life or people.
When I was a child I was bullied until I was 18. So therefore I became an immature adult, fighting with everyone because I think they are all against me. I feel this is because of all the bullying in my childhood. I am afraid of sexual relationships; I am a very low in confidence person. I have very low self-esteem and my mother thinks I don't understand what I am supposed to know at my age. She thinks I don't understand what a woman's clock ticking is. We always fight because she's very controlling. Can you please help me?
Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette Doris Jeanette
Your description is an excellent example of how children develop low self-esteem. When mothers or fathers are controlling and overbearing there is no way for a child to learn how to be self-confident enough to grow up and take care of themselves.

Children who have been bullied do not know how to turn inward so they can listen to and follow through with their needs, desires and inner knowing. However, do not worry. You can supply what is missing from your relationship skills education! You have the means, as an adult, to unlearn the unhealthy behaviors you learned from your mother and replace them with healthy behaviors.

Currently you are trapped into resisting your mother. She tells you what to do and you resist doing what she tells you to do. This is not helpful and causes many of your relationship problems.

Let me explain how this emotional energy dynamic works. When mother tells you what to do, you have two choices. Either you do what she tells you to do or you resist doing what she tells you to do. If you do what she tells you, you are controlled. If you don't do what she tells you to do, you are controlled. Get the picture? You are controlled either way!

You need to de-control yourself. To be free, you need to know what you really want or need to do in all situations. No more pleasing or resisting. You need to stop bullying yourself and your mother, and you need to stop resisting your mother and yourself.

The healthy alternative is to break free from this bullying and resisting interaction. To do so you need to learn how to find and listen to your authentic, emotional self. Then you will know exactly what you really want to do in each life situation.

When you learn how to listen to your emotional self you will know if you want to do something or not. And you will know when you want to do it and how you want to do it. You will not be going along with the bullying pressure and you will not be resisting the pressure. You will be taking good care of yourself by doing what you really need to do.

Look for people who are emotionally secure to teach you how to find, recognize and listen to your authentic, emotional self so you know what you really need and want every minute of every day. Then you will not be resisting your mother, yourself or any other person in your life.

A good place to begin this emotional journey is with an experienced, emotional guide. Choose an emotionally secure coach, mentor or psychologist to help you. If you're looking for a self-help resource on this topic, I suggest the "Opening the Heart" Audio and eBook. It guides you into finding your inner answers and teaches you how to feel controlling energy so you can stop resisting.

You also need to learn practical relationships skills that will supply the missing pieces that your mother did not teach you. For example, you need to learn assertive behaviors that will help you be more effective in meeting your needs in relationships with both men and women. And there are sexual behaviors that you need to learn that will greatly improve your intimacy skills so you can have a healthy sexual relationship.

By listening to your emotional self and being true to yourself your low self-esteem will improve. You will be stronger physically and much more emotionally secure.

There is no doubt that you can provide the factors that were missing from your upbringing and grow into a mature and sexual woman.

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