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My question, is how do I know if I truly love my husband?

heart to heart Question
My marriage started off rocky after we moved due to economics. He but so much effort into his new job, that I didn't seem to matter, he priority was his job, not me. I learned to do things on my own..sat around waiting for him to come home etc. This went on for 5 years. Recently I got a full-time job, (my first one at the age of 42 and having two kids and a 19 yr. marriage). I absolutely love my job. There was at guy at work; whom I connected with in many way. He is a loner, but he lit a flame in me that hasn't been there in years. This guy and I started to have an emotional affair. My husband noticed the changes in me and put in the effort to amend the marriage, but my marriage crumbled and I ended up having a physical affair with the guy from work after I stated to my husband that we were thru. I went back to my husband after outside influences told me it was the right thing to do.

I am now trying to make it work with my husband but my heart is with this other guy! even though this guy doesn't love me, but my head says stay with my husband for reasons other than love. With all the tension and animosity between us I don't know if there is love and how do I figure that out? Please help as I am lost and confused.

Reply by Coach Doris Jeanette
Doris Jeanette Love can be very confusing, scary and difficult to maintain in a long term relationship. Feeling lost and confused is part of the human condition on this emotional planet as we grow toward more soul fulfillment.

In order to know who you love and or who loves you, you need to know what love is and be able to feel it. Love is first and foremost an energy you can feel in your heart. You cannot control love, make it be there when it isn't, or make it disappear when it is there! Love has a mind of its own and this is the major reason it is scary to open your heart so love energy moves freely in and out of you.

People confuse love with lust, with "care taking," with expectations, and with control.

From your comments it sounds like you are confusing your head with your heart. And it sounds like lust, expectations and conditioned responses are also involved. The conditioned responses are the unhealthy things you learned in your past in your family that you are still doing now. You are thinking one thing, feeling another and reacting to another. This is why you are so lost and confused.

Love is freely given and it does not try to control the other person. Love is a spontaneous feeling in the heart which radiates outward. It is palpable and affects you as well as others in positive, healthy ways.

Most of us grew up with an unhealthy relationship model where we were conditioned to take care of others instead of ourselves. It sounds as if you were stuck in this trap with your husband for many years when you were waiting for him instead of taking care of yourself. "Care taking" kills real love and creates resentment and unhappiness. Resentment is often the source of cancer and other physical diseases.

It sounds as if you had a breakthrough out of this unhealthy "care taking" model when you got a great job you enjoy. This is wonderful and a giant step forward. You need to continue this positive pattern of paying attention to your problems and helping yourself with them. No more waiting around!

You need to continue to meet your own needs and develop more genuine love for yourself which will make you happy. As you consciously take self improvement actions to reduce your own insecurities and anxieties you will feel less confused and stronger. Then you will see more clearly what love is and who really loves you and who you really love. As you unlearn the unhealthy things you learned in the past, how you relate to men will change. You will know you are being successful when you feel equal to men, can be assertive with them and can live fully with or without them.

You will feel real love in your heart and know it. It is probably the exact feeling that made you marry your husband in the first place. This is the healthy, free feeling that does not control others.

You need to give real love and receive real love in order to be happy, clear and content.

Hope this helps clear up your confusion. Let me know if you have any questions.

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Bir comments, June 2010:
In my opinion, you are very wrong. Your husband has been and is, working hard, to make life easy at home for you and the children. Cheating on a husband just because he is working hard, is not right. Do you really want him to change his job for an easier one, with only half the money? You surely do not suspect his loyalty to you - then what is your problem? The loner is a loner because he does not take any responsibility. What you have is an infatuation for the loner. It definitely is not love. The moment he gets a better girl, he will dump you. You yourself accept that he does not love you; then what are you after -- another man, just because your husband works too hard to make you and the children happy?

You owe a very humble apology to your husband. Just think of the women, whose husbands do not work. The husbands, often get drunk and beat up their wives. They live on the earnings of their wives - and they are bullies. I think you should repent very sincerely, go to the church and ask for Good God’s forgiveness. Be a loving wife and give your husband a smile when he comes home, tired after a whole day’s work. Your children will bless you too.

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