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Did I sign a lifetime imprisonment contract on the date I legally married?

heart to heart The questioner's philosophy
I have always been between two religions; Christianity and Hinduism. My philosophy is make a better life for yourself first and then others will benefit.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
I am hoping that the decision that I make will not only benefit myself but my kids in the future.
Your recent post "Should I leave my family for a man who loves me?" is almost a duplicate of my life story. Everything in the first paragraph is the same. Arranged marriage, 20 years into no love zone, etc. It's almost identical, except I have 3 children in school and he has 2 that have finished high school. My difference is I cheated on my husband with this man and I felt guilty about it so I told my husband. I told him everything about it, and now he is even more over-jealous and my life has become "a working prisoner/maid."

I want out of this marriage but he said if I leave him he will come after me and kill me. I am afraid, he always stands on his promises and I am only with him because I'm afraid and for the sake of the kids. I pray to God everyday to help me find a way out of this marriage without violence.

Meanwhile the other man has been very supportive and understanding of the whole situation. I have never met anyone that loves me so unconditional like this other man. I am having heart problems and he has volunteered to give his heart to me so that I can be there for my kids. He said that he will die for me. And then on the other hand I have 3 children for a man who wants to kill me. I came from a family where my mother said divorce is not an option and my father died since I was eight years old with a heart attack. I am tired of being forced to have sex with my husband and our relationship is dead when it comes to love. I cannot find it in my heart to feel anything for him. In all my 20 years of marriage, I have never felt so happy like when I am with this other man. He treats me like a valued gem and we totally understand each other.

How do you suppose I deal with this situation? Did I sign a lifetime imprisonment contract on the date I legally married? Please help.

Maurice's reply

Maurice Turmel
You need to take this matter to the Police. Inform them of your husband's threats. Given the nature of men in your culture to act on such threats, they should take you seriously.

In the meantime, search out support groups for women in your situation. You are not alone, and somewhere there has to be an organization that will help women in your situation. Just because you cheated does not mean you deserve to die.

You need legal help as well as support from people who understand your situation. This is the kind of action you need to take. Prayer will not solve your dilemma.

Lawyer, Police and Support Groups are your best lines of defense and advice for how to proceed.

About 2 weeks after my original reply, I received a followup from this woman, stating that she appreciated the advice and she was going to act on my recommendations to take care of herself physically, and get the support she needed to take the very concrete actions she was agreed were necessary.

A good book to support a woman in her situation would be Breaking Up Blues: A Guide to Survival and Growth by Deni Cullington - a practical self-help book for those going through break-up or divorce.

Read more questions on this topic


Ramdevraj comments, March 2010:
I am an Indian Hindu. With "my children" and "your children" scenario, things generally, are not lovely. There could be exceptions. These are normally, marriages of convenience. The next door wife always looks more beautiful. We always see her with her best foot forward.

Why did the lady tell her husband that she was having an affair? What reaction did she expect from him? If she was so sincere, she should have apologized heartily to her husband and also stopped seeing the other man from then on. Any reasonable man/woman would have forgiven such a fling, once in a way. He is taking the obvious step- stopping her from meeting the other man. He is a human being. Obviously, the lady could not be living on her husband and going out with someone else! It is just not done.

The "other man" who is willing to give her his own heart so that she can live and look after her kids, has to say all this, to keep on with a free woman. He could be a roadside Romeo. If he really loves her, which is possible, then he should do what Maurice has suggested. The "other man" must also make sure that the husband does not beat her up, as he has threatened to do. He also, has to help her get a divorce and marry her-if he is single. If he too has a wife and children, then the lady will only be getting out of the frying pan and going into the fire. It is not an easy situation.

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