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What is stopping me from finding someone to connect with and love?

heart to heart The questioner's philosophy
Brought up as a Hindu, accepting of all religions, spiritual and attracted to the metaphysical and mystical. Philosophy in life is to go with the flow, don't have much of a plan to follow.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
Eternal hope is to have a happy loving family, have a husband and kids, and see all including my parents, brother and sister all flourishing and successful. Aspire to personal growth and truly knowing myself.
What is stopping me from finding someone to connect with and love, when my most cherished desire is to have a loving relationship and family of my own?

I have been single now for over 10 years with no real love connection with any man throughout this period. There have been flings, infatuations and one night stands but none of them have been at a deep level - either mentally, romantically or spiritually. I seem to now mostly (unconsciously and consciously) connect with men either in a professional capacity or as an acquaintance, i.e. husbands of friends, etc. Don't seem to be attracted to anyone or even flirt with anyone. My girlfriends are amazed that I am still single (most have families of their own) given that I was always the most popular with boys at Uni.

My dating history before includes three longish relationships (at University and just after), in two cases the guy left me for another girl and in the last relationship, it seemed we outgrew each other or more accurately I outgrew him.

During the last 10 years, my professional life has really taken off with successive promotions and am now on an international posting. I live alone and my family is in another country. My Myers Briggs personality type is and ESTP and I have no problems meeting people and initiating conversations or socialising with new people.

I am anxious now that I will not meet anyone to settle down with and worry that I am becoming more and more pedantic and independent in the way that I live my life. I guess I always had tendency even as child to be strong willed. I have taken some steps, e.g. Internet dating but always seem to back off at making the full effort or following through. Can you suggest any practical ways I can break this pattern and overcome whatever block I seem to have so that I can live my life to the fullest and gain some balance?

Maurice's reply

Maurice Turmel
I am not a dating expert by any means. I can only approach this question from a psychological and spiritual point of view. Without knowing your history I can only make guesses.

The first thing is, the more you focus on something you desperately want, the more you tend to push it away. That is simply an energy thing. Desperation repels, openness attracts.

I am curious as to why you wouldn't follow through with the internet dating approach. Nothing wrong with this. In fact you are more likely to be connected with someone of a like mind than not. This begs the question "Why are you pushing this opportunity away?"

You need to do some self-exploration. Using a journal and asking yourself questions, that you promise to answer truthfully, may help you uncover your resistance to a close relationship. For example: "What do I have to lose by being involved in a serious relationship? Why am I afraid to get close to someone, or allow someone to get close to me?"

The answer to your dilemma lies within. At a deep level you are avoiding something. Perhaps you are carrying some fear about being hurt again, like with those previous relationships. Perhaps you haven't fully grieved those losses. Perhaps if you explore those issues, via a journal, you will discover how you are protecting yourself from further emotional injury.

You're the girl who turned down the opportunity to connect on the internet dating site. Why? You cannot have it both ways. You cannot be pushing people away and then wondering why you don't have a lasting relationship. You are probably giving off a mixed message like "Go Away Come Closer."

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