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Healing the wounds of my past feels like a bottomless pit; can you help me to forgive myself?
The questioner's philosophy
I follow a spiritual path where I am responsible for myself and all that I have experienced, that I am an expression of the divine and my purpose is to heal so that I may serve others.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
To transcend my "victim mentality" and anchor my divinity whilst experiencing the challenges prsented in the physical world and to assist others to do the same. I believe I am a lightworker and that my life has presented me with so many challenges so that I can learn and grow to enable others to do the same.
I have been on a path of personal development for 18 years. I have moved forward considerably in healing the wounds of spiritual abuse (Catholocism), an alcoholic father (but kind!), emotionally abusive mother, physically abusive brother, a number of sexual assualts/rape, depression, substance abuse and abandonment issues. I have released a lot of anger and grief. But it feels like a bottomless pit and I get stuck at this particular point in my healing journey which I am currently experiencing again and I just can't seem to get past it.
Reply by Coach Maurice Turmel
Through the act of prayer/meditation I realize that I am stuck in an unfulfilling job because I am angry and the job is mirroring this for me. On contemplating the source of my anger I am aware that I am angry with myself; in fact I am filled with self loathing. I am angry because I feel I have done so much work on myself and yet I am still stuck.
I am tired, weary and I feel desperate and I want to scream and rage. I have asked for assistance from the divine to help heal this wound and I found this site on the same day. I am going through the resources and decided to email you. So Maurice, can you provide me with some effective tools I can use to forgive myself - as my experience has shown me that the self is the hardest person to forgive in this healing journey of life?
My dear woman, you've been working very hard on your self-development. This effort, I am sure, was propelled by your need to heal all those wounds inflicted on you within your family and other sources. Trans4mind has a lot to offer in terms of Self-Help resources.
The most important piece missing in your personal evolution is self-acceptance to be followed by self-love. Your ego has adopted the patterns of abuse modeled for you in your family. Even though you have been engaged in self-help pursuits, your ego will never be satisfied with the results. Her job is to keep you down, because that's all she knows. In order to graduate to the level of Lightworker you have to accept that this part of you is psychologically dysfunctional and will have to be pushed aside.
Your real Self is trying to emerge. That's the part of you that you contact when you pray and ask for guidance. Your Higher Self responds immediately and sends you to this site. How cool is that? Your ego will jump all over this fact and demonize it. That's what dysfunctional egos do.
I recommend journaling as a tool for self-communication and for purging yourself of that early life psychological damage. I can tell you what's in that closet right now. There is shame, guilt, self-loathing, low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy and so on. In the new closet you have been building there is appreciation for all life, the idea that you are Divine, the hope that you can manifest your life purpose and live in peace, and everything else you've been learning about being a good person.
The fact that your ego keeps beating on you is a sure sign that you have been making progress. Oh yes, that seems quite contradictory, but it is in fact true. As a person who has wrestled with many of the same demons as yourself, I can tell you point blank that you are on the right track. Your ego only wants you to see what it qualifies as failures. You're so used to hearing that voice you're not inclined to challenge it. But look at all you have accomplished. Here's the trick. Think of your life as a sock that has been turned inside out and has always been inside out. Now, take that sock and pull it right side out. Now the garbage, that your ego refuses to let go of, goes to the bottom of the pile, and your gifts, your work, your love for your fellow man, and yes, your growing love and appreciation for who you are becoming, all of this rises to the top.
You have lived from the bottom up long enough. It's time to see the results of all your efforts and put them into a proper context. Your ego will yell and scream and call you every name in the book. Celebrate that because it means you are on the right track. Just pause for a minute and listen to what your ego wants to say about me and this response to your letter. I fired my ego a while ago because he could only repeat what he had witnessed in childhood which was very much like yours.
Now decide. Who are you going to listen to from here on in? Your Higher Self, your Heart and feeling centre - or - your pathetic little ego that knows nothing but complaining. Make that decision for yourself. Commit to listening to your Self and your Heart. Start practicing self-appreciation...
"Good for you for writing Dr Turmel at Trans4mind." "Good for you for having called upon your Higher Self for help and then accepting the direction to visit this site." "Good for you for all you have faced and for all the work you have done on yourself thus far." Dr Turmel says "Good for you." Everyone reading this letter in Cultivate Life!
are saying "Good for You!"
So my dear, who do you want to listen to? The voice of love and appreciation coming to you from all corners of the Universe, or, your petty little ego who just keeps repeating what you were showered with as a child? Decide my dear! Only you can change your mind.
Read more questions on this topic
George Kunnath comments, Jan 2010:
In some ways I resonate with this woman's predicament about getting stuck. To me the anger is always on the surface. It is worthwhile to explore what kind of feelings lie beneath. From the description two things surface: abuse and abandonment. What are the feelings resulting from them? Can I go deep into them to the bottom of the pit and feel the shiver in the marrow of my bones? From my experience it is when I am able to do that I begin to heal. The process takes time and one needs to be patient as there are layers and layers one has accumulated over the years without awareness. Healing happens when one is able to surface the deeply buried feelings to the consciousness and there is no more blocked energy there, with experience of abandonment or abuse or whatever.