I am tired of not knowing what to do with my life, to get really motivated.
The questioner's philosophy
When I was 21, I graduated in Marketing but afterwards I realized my soul wasn't in that profession and I decided to take painting classes. I started being an artist, selling my work as well, then I decided to move to the US to get away, to see how I function without my family close to me. I stayed a year at the US. Was great and I did great. But, I was suposed to study art and it was impossible - I could never organize myself for that.
My main problem is that I realized how hard it is for me to have a full day job, just like any other normal human being. I can never have a routine, like everyone. And I suffer a lot because I know this is lack of commitment to things. I feel weak, I feel uncapable.
I have something stored in my brain, a very negative message told by others when I was little and it's always there holding me back. I have crises when I think about giving up everything and I drink until I can sleep and relax. Self destructiveness, guilt... and then I can relax.
I am very, very, very interested in psychology since I am a teenager. I am tired of not knowing what to do with my life. And this week I decided to go to Europe, get far from my family again and study psychology at Freud's Institute in Paris, plus psychotherapy. I have been seeing therapists since I was 23. Now I only see me working with this and doing my art on the side. However, I'm not really sure if I will be able to accomplish that, I can't trust myself or my dreams anymore. I can't frustrate myself and my family anymore. Or I will show to all I'm mentally ill.
You are not responsible for your parent's divorce. Period. Whoever has been suggesting that is a liar, pure and simple. If that happens to be members of your family, then they are lying.
Have you ever held a baby in your arms and thought "you are responsible for some great tragedy"? Of course not. Since when can a baby be responsible for what adults do. But dysfunctional adults will blame anyone but themselves.
These beliefs that you are carrying are untrue. I'm surprised to see that you've had therapeutic help and no one has helped you resolve this one.
Your family of origin is "what happened to you" and not "who you are." You get to define who you are by your talents, interests and heart's desire.
Usually I recommend journaling as a strategy for uncovering hidden truths, traumas and pain that we've covered over with defense strategies. You can get away from your family, but you cannot get away from yourself. You can use journaling to start writing about all that is hurting you and holding you back.
But you can go further. You can paint your pain. You can paint your family's dsyfunction. Use that creative talent to get to the bottom of all your dilemmas. Take every issue you believe you have, give it a name, and then paint it. No more pretty pictures, just the truth.
You will amaze yourself and people looking at your paintings are going to see "a young woman's struggle to become whole." This can be a blessing for those young women who don't have your skills but have the same types of issues.
When we write or paint about our personal dilemmas and challenges, we free ourselves, and then we bring gifts to the world. First, take care of yourself.
I am determined to get my Masters Degree in Psychology, and I will be moving to Europe for that. After 32 years searching for what I really wanted to do in my life, I finally decided. I can feel that the next 5 years will be a very positive period of my life. My true emancipation process truly started. Thank you very, very, very much.