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How do I make peace with my past experience and start to move forward again in my life?
The questioner's philosophy
What you put in is what you will get out. Christian.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
To become more of myself and accept every human being as equal.
The background is, I have been dating a guy for the last 5 years of my life. I fell pregnant in our second year of dating and then got engaged. That did not last for long, we broke our engagement of 3 months after our first born and then separated for 4 months. The reason that led up to that was that he has manipulated and lied to me on numerous occasions. After our 4 months of separation he wanted us to get back and him being the father of my child I did take him back. The next six months of our life was even worse. He lost his job and I had to look after all of us. He then started selling our stuff for drugs and kept on lying about it. He finally got another job and kept that for only 4 months whereupon the cycle got repeated again. I then finally decided to leave for good but with him not having a job I allowed him to stay, and helped him out with food, etc. until he found a job again. Four months passed and he finally got a job again, this time a very high profiled job. One night of stupidity led to me being pregnant with our second child. He then decided that we must make this work and I, not being able to look after 2 children on my own, agreed with him. 3 weeks after making that decision he broke it off with me and I found out the next day that he was seeing another woman. So now I'm sitting with a 3 year old and another baby on the way.
My question to you is, how do I make peace with my past experience and forgive those who hurt me, how do I trust again, how do I get rid of all this anger I have inside of me and how do I stay true to myself no matter what situation occurs? I so badly want to move past this bad experience but I seem to keep on moving back. Please help me in moving forward!
My dear woman, you have a lot of work in front of you. Your first job is to Grieve Your Losses. Your involvement with this fellow being over, you need to see clearly that he was not the right partner for you. The fact that he fathered your two children does not qualify him to be a husband. Getting pregnant is a biological function, not a matter of the heart.
Your children can be a blessing for you if you can move past the anger you have for him and the self-loathing you have developed for yourself. Before that can happen you will have to work out all those feelings. That's why I recommend a Grief Recovery resource for your lost relationship. You and your children have to build a new life now and you need to be healthy to be a good mother for them. Remember, they are innocent victims in all this.
Here at Trans4mind there are a number of resources that can help you get started on your recovery journey, including a book I have authored called "How to Cope with Grief and Loss."
In addition, I would read through the articles at Trans4mind about coping with and learning from a major loss in your life. They are collected here at QuickCoach. And then, Wallace Huey created a profound program to help you move forward from such a difficult period of your life.
In addition, you should check out any local resources within your community. Some church organizations have support groups for single mothers. Some community centers offer Free Support Services for families in need. Although any life challenge can be an opportunity for personal development, your situation demands practical solutions first. You are the head of this family. You need to make sure you have the right supports in place for your mental and emotional health.
Before you can forgive anybody, you need to get all those feelings of anger, hurt and disappointment out of your system. You will not be able to forgive yourself or anyone while all those feelings are alive inside of you. That's where your local community resources and the further Trans4mind resources mentioned above can come in to help you.
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