My husband and I have totally different values
The questioner's philosophy
I have grown spiritually and personally to a great degree during my marriage and I find now that I have absolutely nothing in common with my husband. I follow spiritual teachings, he is not interested whatsoever in any way shape or form in anything I have to say. We have different values and he doesn't have any goals for us as a couple. We have a parent-child relationship.
I have been unhappy for a very long time now. I feel a deep sadness that something is missing in my life. There is no passion, we are like brother and sister and I have 'dragged' him to counselling and he would only commit to 4 sessions so that we could fix 'my' problem.
15 years ago I met a man at my work. I have intense feelings for this man and we are great friends. He has shown me a part of myself that no-one else has shown me. He values what I say, he sees me as intelligent, attractive, funny and him paying attention to me has created great unrest and intense grief in my life. If he asked me to run away with him I would, but that will not happen.
It has shown me that I want so much more in a relationship. I want to be respected as an equal not as a child. I feel an empty shell. I only have two children at home, the longings and feelings that I can't go on living like this are getting stronger. What if I leave? What happens if I am wrong and I discover I was living in an illusion of attaining this? What if I stay and just shrivel and die in a loveless lonely relationship? I am torn. I will be the worst in the world if I follow the strong feelings and leave. He is a good man but I am dying inside and sometimes think about taking my life.
If you don't listen to what your heart is telling you a deeper depression is in your future. You know what you are living with in terms of the marriage. You know what your heart yearns for; the mystery man has shown you that. And you know that your current marriage will never deliver that kind of affirmation.
You are married to a very traditional man who cares little about personal growth or self-development. As long as he has enough to eat, a warm bed and regular sex, he is satisfied. He would be much happier if you stopped complaining and asking for more than he is capable of giving. He treats you and your home as a service station. As long as his basic needs are met, he's content. He wants nothing to do with the esoteric or philosophical questions such as "why are we here?" Your complaints are Your Problem. Go get yourself fixed. He will attend counseling to help You fix Your Problem.
To all the women who may be reading this response: "Sound familiar?"
My dear, you already have a very good grasp of your situation and you knew exactly what Heart to Heart question I was referring you to with my first reply [this one from two week's ago]. I am not going to tell you what action to take. I am going to reinforce for you that "You Must Listen to Your Heart" despite all the condemnation you may receive for doing so. You cannot explain to closed up people why you need to do this and they will never support you. But they will likely condemn you for having the audacity to remove yourself from the cultural status quo that they have no desire to challenge.You must have the courage to trust your growing awareness and the messages the Universe is sending you overtly, and through your heart.
- Message #1
You're not happy in your marriage and have never been. You have only followed cultural protocols to get where you are and fallen into the same trap a lot of women still find themselves in. Your job is to produce babies, and take care of king baby who believes he rules the roost. Your needs are secondary to his, and your wishes for a broader understanding of life are irrelevant to him. Just some New Age crazy thinking!
- Message #2
In case you are not fully aware of how unhappy you are, the Universe has sent you this mystery man to confirm what you already suspect about yourself. You are an intelligent and capable person who has ideas, curiosity and the desire to grow for the simple sake of growing. You deserve attention. You are interesting. You have a lot to give. And your heart would overflow to bursting were you with the right person.
- Message #3
I referred you to that other letter and you know why. Unhappy people find each other every day. Your mystery man is a messenger, not a potential lover. You do not need a lover right now, so much as you need to love yourself with ALL YOUR HEART. In doing so you will find the courage necessary to make all the best decisions for yourself. Further, as you practice loving yourself, you will find that people will begin affirming those qualities you have longed to have noticed. You will find that by loving yourself, you will in fact attract lots of loving and positive individuals into your life.
Additionally keep reading Tolle, Hicks and whatever else you are attracted to because their message is nourishing your spiritually starved soul.
Be prepared for dissent within your own family, and perhaps some friends. Be prepared for constant and loving affirmation coming from sources that will totally surprise you as you turn this important corner in your life. By all means invest yourself fully and lovingly in your personal development. When I talk about being connected to Source, this is exactly what I mean. Your Heart is your Source and you will learn to trust that Voice more and more every day.
Get yourself a copy of The Voice - A Metaphor for Personal Development available at Amazon.com, or email me for an instant download of the Ebook at a reduced price.
Check out the following resource as well: Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication program presents his very helpful method for speaking our deepest truths ... addressing our unrecognized needs and emotions ... and honoring those same concerns in others.
You are now on a growth path. Welcome aboard. Trans4mind will support you, guide you and encourage you to trust that "still small voice within." Say goodbye to the old You and say hello to the new Growth Oriented You!
How can you help us? I'm so glad you asked. Find any one of the "Donate" buttons on this site and give what you can. Your support helps us bring more of these wonderfully healing resources to the site and puts bread on our tables. We do this because we love it, but it is also nice to have a sandwich now and then. Giving and receiving is what makes the world go round, especially a world whose main currency is Love.
With love and best wishes on your journey.
As to the 'mystery man', I have been fighting my addiction to him being in my life for so long now. I ordered the book How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern off the Trans4mind website the other night. I have latched onto him as my hero and saviour when he is not that at all. He is a messenger as you told me and I knew this but the ego has always wanted a quick fix for my loneliness and emptiness.
I have donated before to Trans4mind and just the other night after reading through the wealth of information on the site thought it was time to do that again. Thank you for the reminder. I will also look at ordering - The Voice.
I have just been accepted to do the Lifeline Telephone Counselling Training Course that begins here in Australia next week. It is a six month counselling course and then if I get asked I get trained to work on the phones and work voluntarily for Lifeline. I am looking forward to the further personal growth that will come from this course.
Maurice, thank you so much for replying to me, it has given me direction and a reason to believe that what my heart is crying out for is not wrong but something to be followed.
I have had my share of pyschologists, anti-depressants, and life coaches over the last few years all trying to move me forward, but still the nagging underlying problem still sits there, eating away at me. I have to face the truth. These times have not been wasted, it has slowly been making me aware that loving myself is the only answer and enjoying my relationship with the God within.
Blessings to you, Dr Moe.