Background: I have always had "feelings" that tell me something is not good or be sure and watch out here. You might need to hide NOW or whenever. My difficulty is to communicate to anyone, much less to myself, how that feeling would be described. The feelings are from a multitude of repeated traumas, both physical but mostly emotional, in every day of my growing up which I can recall.
Yes, our grief and loss recovery ebook can help you deal with the grief from all this childhood trauma. It would serve as a companion you can turn to whenever you want. Following the instructions for journaling and dealing with feelings will be beneficial and for the short term should be adopted as a daily ritual.
For a person with your history I would recommend 3 approaches...
Number 1 would be seeing a trauma therapist for one on one counseling. If you've done this and received little benefit then you didn't have the right kind of help. Try again if such resources exist in your area.
Number 2 would be an abuse or trauma support group where people like you share their history and offer insights into each other's challenges. Helping others helps you. Receiving their help benefits you as well.
Number 3 would be the Grief Recovery book featured at this site: "How to Cope with Grief and Loss." There are many stories and anecdotes in this book that you will resonate with. Grieving for you will be about a lost childhood, no love, no consideration, no value placed on your presence in the world. In your description you were treated like trash. That says more about your caretakers than you. Have you ever seen a baby that belonged in the trash? Nonsense! Only selfish, limited individuals without conscience treat a child that way.
Everything you were told growing up along with all the abuse is about "what happened" to you. It does not define who you are. You have yet to discover that, given your propensity to live in survival mode and be on the lookout for emerging dangers. All abuse victims emerge into adulthood with that strategy.
You need to surround yourself with positive people, that's where a support group comes in. You could also join a community centre where people gather to help others and gain the benefits of companionship. Trust is always going to be an issue. Your survivor self will be on the lookout for any hint of betrayal and will make mountains out of molehills whenever someone starts to get close. You will have to confront that part of yourself. No one is perfect and no one will ever meet that perfectionistic standard. So be wary of your protector-self's hardline approach. There are many good people in the world and not one of them is perfect.
You view the world as hostile to you. Understandable! You've developed survival techniques which are characterized by waryness and mistrust. Again, understandable! But to move into the companionship of more positive people you'll have to take risks. You'll have to trust before you receive proof that there are caring and loving individuals out there. It is time to come out of your cacoon, which was built by that scared child in you. The adult you has all kinds of resources for you to grasp. Time to come out and meet a different world.
Because of that early programming you see the world as dangerous and people as mean spirited. In terms of vibrations you have absorbed the vibration of an abuse victim which you now emit. According to the law of attraction, this will continue to bring abusive people in your life. This is not conscious on your part; it's about what happened to you.
Put these pieces into place. Surround yourself with positive people. Read positive materials. Start to re-condition yourself towards the good and say thank you to the Universe for every positive gift that comes your way. You will have to force yourself to notice them but beleive me they are there. You're already an expert at gathering negatives; time to let that go.
Change is scary, but so is living in constant fear. In your mental re-programming you need to remind yourself that what happened to you was about them and the sadists that they were. As children we adopt the definitions imposed on us by adult caretakers. As adults we have the freedom to change these beliefs and get closer to the truth of our real nature.