How can I heal my past to have a better present and future?
The questioner's philosophy
I was raised in a very difficult family: a distant father and a very strict and demanding mom who has hurt me the most in all my life. During my childhood I learned I was not good enough, not worthy of love and that every mistake I made was caused by being so worthless. Sometimes I feel I was born with something wrong, a total failure, someone not worthy of love.
I got into the world of education because of my mother's will and control over my life. I remember when I finished high school I wanted to study psychology, but my mother said she had no money to afford the expenses of a private university, so she enrolled me in a public university to study bachelor in education sciences with major in languages. There I discovered the great talent I had for learning foreign languages, so I now can speak 5 languages. I have been working as a bilingual elementary teacher for 7 years now, and my experience has not been that fulfilling.
Right now I am seriously going through very hard times at my workplace and every single thing I do seems to be wrong. I have been dismissed from some schools and it seems I will never get it right. I feel I do not want to teach anymore... it has been too hard lately and I feel unsatisfied with the results. I guess God gave me another gift, but it seems quite hard to make that dream come true.
I want to get in contact with myself and then find the kind of job that is hard for me because I sometimes feel like drowning in this field. I really don't know what to do, I just want and need to change my life and turn it into something more positive and fulfilling. I do need to heal my past to have a better present and a better future. How?
We define and create our future through our present use of language. Your email is replete with negative and limiting language - here are a few of the words you have used in your question: deep emotional and professional collapse, useless and worthless, tried really hard, not good enough, not worthy of love, not been that fulfilling, seriously going through very hard times, every single thing I do seems to be wrong, I will never get it right, feel like drowning, etc. etc.
YOU NEED TO BE AWARE OF YOUR WORDS!
Why is this awareness important? Because we create our future through the words we use! If you use negative, limiting, words, your life will follow this pattern - guaranteed! Equally if you use positive, uplifting and inspiring words, your life will follow - why because your words create your WAY OF BEING and your way of being creates your life!
So I want you to become aware of and write down all the common phrases you use both in your conversation and in the words you tell yourself through your inner monologue. To do this keep a notebook handy and write down every negative and limiting phrase you use regularly in both your speech and in the way you talk to yourself. If you do this you will be shocked at the words you are using, and at the way of being these words are creating. Then you will understand why your life is the way it is. Then for every negative and limiting phrase in your notebook I want you to re write the meaning in positive, inspiring words - here are some examples of what I mean taken from your question:
Useless and worthless –> Useful and valuable
Tried really hard –> Learning how not to do it
Not good enough –> Brilliant
Not worthy of love –> Inherently lovable
Not been fulfilling –> Learnt a valuable lesson
Seriously going through very hard times –> Having a laugh
Every single thing I do seems to be wrong –> I'm learning lots of valuable lessons in how to do thing differently
I will never get it right –> I intend to get it right
Feel like drowning –> Life is going swimmingly