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My husband used to beat me up and he still insults me – how do I get out of this situation?

heart to heart The questioner's philosophy
Life is about serving one's purpose and making a positive difference in people's lives.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
To have a happy, peaceful and fulfilling life.
I got married at the age of 24 and my husband was 27 years. We met while we still studying at a university. In the beginning we were very happy, or so I thought. We are blessed with 4 beautiful children, whom I'm grateful for.

The problems began early in our marriage when he started to hit me that led to me allowing him to intimidate, threaten and take control of my life. I have left him a couple of times in the past years, but have always returned to him. We went for marriage counseling once which really helped to stop the beatings, but he has never really stopped the insults. We are both professionals and are successful in both our field of work.

I'm not sure why I allow him to treat me like this - does this mean I do not truly love myself? I have tried to always have a positive mindset, by focusing on the positive things that happen in my life, but it seems I'm drawing a negative energy when I'm around my husband.

I must acknowledge, I have become very nasty and disrespectful towards him. I have intentionally become two different people. I'm not happy when I'm with him but free spirited when not with him. I'm afraid but am not sure what I'm afraid of. I know that I can make it on my own, take care of my children and be happy, but I fail to take the first step, that of leaving this unhappy union.

It has come to a point where I do not feel the love for him anymore - I can't be affectionate to him. I have tried therapy, read motivational books, talked to those close to me, but still can't make the decision. Many people think that I'm a strong, beautiful, confident, happy woman, but I tend to think the opposite about myself.

How do I get myself out of this situation? Please help!

Wallace's reply
Wallace Dear Lady, it appears from your email that you are living with an angry and controlling man. You are right - you are being influenced negatively by him. If your partner is not life affirming, positive and supportive and instead is abusive, angry and violent, only a Master could live with him everyday and not be dragged downhill. I agree that you need to remove yourself from this unhappy relationship – and you feel this as well, the question now is - how can you find the strength to do so?

The strength you need is already within. All you have to do is draw upon it. So what advice do I give you to encourage this? Here is a 10 step program any woman can use to have the courage to leaving her husband...

Step 1. Get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of the sheet from top to bottom. At the top on one side write: This is my future if I stay. On the other side write: This is my future if I leave.

Step 2. In the first column - This is my future if I stay - write out all the consequences of what will probably happen if you continue to stay with your husband. In the second column - This is my future if I leave - write out all the probable consequences if you leave. Then leave this page in a confidential place for a day or so.

Step 3. Take out the piece of paper and at the bottom of each column write how you will feel as a mother and as a woman as a result of each probable future coming true.

Step 4. After some reflection decide in your heart which future you want.

Step 5. Commit to that future by writing out 3 actions you need to do, to progress in the path of your choice. Make the first action a simple one.

Step 6. Share your future and the actions you need to take with a close friend/family member and/or a member of staff at a local woman's centre and ask for their support in doing these three actions.

Step 7. By reflecting on your past experience of trying to leave your husband, decide what has been missing in your way of being that has meant you did not succeed. Create for yourself a new way of being around the decision you have made. For example if in earlier occasions when you tried to leave your way of being was timid, fearful and uncommitted, remember this and connect with the decision you made in your heart, and choose to change your way of being this time (because we do all have this choice) and decide to be confident, courageous and committed.

Step 8. With the support of the people who are willing to help, and with you new way of being do the first action. Every day as you go through the process of leaving your husband, first thing in the morning consciously take on your new way of being.

Step 9. When you have completed the first action, continue and do the next two actions and invent other helpful things you could do toward having a life independent of your husband.

Step 10. Once you are free from your husband celebrate your new found confidence and sense of freedom by throwing a party for everyone who has assisted you on your journey.

Breaking Up Blues This 10 step program will take you to a new life of freedom and fulfillment. May God within guide and protect you in your endeavors.

If you would like support from a book in making and following through on your decision I recommend you consider buying Breaking Up Blues: A Guide to Survival and Growth by Deni Cullington - a practical self-help book for those going through break-up or divorce.

Read more questions on this topic


Amethyst Aquarian, in June 2009 comments:
As someone who has been through the same experiences as this and one who is interested in all things both scientific, logical and anything new age to supernatural. I find your advice somewhat helpful... I have to say though unless you have experienced any kind of beating from a man or a woman (this is actually much more common than most people realise) in your life, you can not truly comment on the power that they hold over you.

The power they have IS unexplainable, those who experienced life such as this will understand this. Have been frustrated by this... they know it is wrong, yet they ALLOW it! that is the most important thing to remember. And in my experience, from both my own past and others who have been sent my way for guidance (by a higher power - I have no formal qualifications), it is the individual being beaten that somehow caused it from within their unconscious.

Those who have never actually experienced this can only express their opinions on the matter, I say this because I used to be one of them! Then it happened to me! Me! The individual who would express their opinion... "I would never let that happen... if a man ever laid a finger on me he would be straight out the door." And yet it happened and when it did, did I throw him straight out the door? No! I allowed him to have that control and that power over... Never knowing why, never being able to explain why, to myself, friends, therapists, no one.

I do have the answer now. Life has taught me so many things, I have experience more than most would in several lifetimes all in a short 25 year period. I have lived through the darkest of nights. I have lived through the brightest of days and WHY?

Because I now believe I am a messenger... The universe is a great big place and the mind a never ending story ..... a story which contains the answers. Answers to absolutely everything. Do I think I have the answer to everything. No... however, I am never usually wrong. (Neither am I big headed for if I am wrong I will be the first to admit this and apologize where need be.) I do not give advice as such... when someone asks for help. I will not tell someone step by step how they need to do this or that. How is that truly helping them? You may think it is, they may think it is... sooner or later, usually later, they realize that it did not help. Which brings us again back to why. Because the only way to help them, whoever they may be is to help them find their own 'Never Ending Story'.

I would like to say to the Questioner one thing... I know the answer to your question, as do you. It lies within the story... the story within... Ask yourself one question: What is your favourite story or fairy tale from childhood? You must distinguish it from your child's current story if that is relevant. Within that tale is a sign... Your Story, This Way. You need to REALLY WANT to hear the story to be able to Observe the Sign!

Thank you for allowing me to pass my comments to those who will listen. To the reader, I believe... do you?

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