How can I go beyond feelings of anger, grief and loss from my childhood?
The questioner's philosophy
I was bullied badly at school and discovered alcohol and sex when I turned 16. I was raped by three boys at a party when I was 16. I gained a bad reputation at school after this event. I proceeded to drop out of further education and spent my life drinking excessively, practicing frequent unsafe casual sex and putting myself into highly risky social situations. I never indulged in illicit drugs although they were prevalent in the social group I was in. I have moved between my country of birth and the country I was raised in several times in adult life, seeking a feeling of belonging.
In my adult years I have had many emotionally and physically abusive relationships. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder with high anxiety levels, major depression and an abandonment complex a few years ago. I have been using a medication that has helped with the depression for the past three years. I have also undertaken some counseling for victims of domestic violence. I have also almost completely stopped drinking alcohol. I cannot control my emotions when I drink.
I have now met a really wonderful, patient, loving man. He is so very stable, calm and the complete opposite of anyone I have ever met. During our relationship, I often have 'meltdowns' where I over-react to things he has said or done and often take out my inner pain on him by saying hurtful things. This behavior is pushing him away and he says that although he still loves me he is not sure he can take any more of my behavior. Will I ever be free from the damage of my past? If so, how can I be free? I want to stop running and stop ruining my relationships.
- What decisions did you make about life when you were a child which are still unconsciously running your life?
- Are you still carrying a sense of loss along with unresolved grief and bitterness that is controlling your thoughts?
- Identifying and becoming aware of the decisions you made about life when you were young.
- Identifying and becoming aware of the unconscious beliefs you hold which are acting as a "filter" and causing you to react in certain inappropriate ways of being that cause you suffering.
- Identifying "ways of being" that are missing, the presence of which would cause you to relate to your boyfriend and others differently.
By becoming aware of this chain of cause and effect it will have less of an influence and not be so inclined to cause inappropriate reactive behavior. Then if you become aware of what is missing in your way of being, the presence of which would cause you to relate more appropriately, then you can focus on nurturing that way of being in your life whenever you face similar challenging circumstances. In the example I have given, by becoming aware of this chain of cause and effect in your "way of being" leading to meltdown, these unconscious decisions and beliefs will have less hold over you and you might choose to "be" differently - for example you could choose to "be" trusting, secure and happy when communicating with your boyfriend.
So the first task I am going to give you is to keep a notebook in your handbag and whenever you find yourself reacting inappropriately, to find a quiet corner after the event and see if you can recall an event early in your life, that led to a "decision," that formed a "belief," that you are holding unconsciously and that is causing you to react in this inappropriate "way of being" today. Then when you are clear about the chain of cause and effect, ask how you can choose (because we all have the power to make this choice) to be-in-the-moment differently, so that you will "create" a different and more appropriate result with your boyfriend (or with anyone else you choose to be with).
The second task I am going to give you is to address the unresolved grief I sense you are holding. As an adult you are holding in a lot of pain you have from your early experiences - loss of security, family and opportunity. For this I suggest you purchase The Sedona Method. The Sedona Method is Trans4mind's top recommendation for coping with and learning from a major loss in your life and will be a great help to you in going beyond your current experiences of pain and emotional turmoil.
This method taps your natural ability to let go of any unwanted thought or feeling on the spot. This will free you quickly and easily have more radiant health and well being, plus break bad habits and other self-sabotaging behaviors. You will also be able to free yourself from stress, tension, panic, fear, anxiety, fatigue, insomnia, procrastination, co-dependency and uncontrolled anger and grief. In short, you will enjoy living a happier, more productive, more satisfying, more loving and joyous life.
I wish you good fortune in your personal healing. If you persist you will make slow and steady progress. Then in time, you will be able to free yourself from the pain of past relationships and abuse, and be able to successfully build a strong family and community network.
Susan Nash, Public Safety Systems Analyst, FL in May, 2009 comments:
Dialectical Behavior Therapy is one avenue for dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD is a very serious mental illness with significant suicide risk. I think she should look for a therapist who has been trained in DBT – it is the treatment modality with the best success rate for a very difficult to treat disorder. Here is some information...