After my husband's affair, what are the consequences of restarting my marriage and of the alternative, going forward alone?
The questioner's philosophy
Having too many frictions, and finding him insensitive, I had withdrawn from a physical relationship with him. He never tried to mend his ways or asked to do some work on our relationship. My initiatives met no response and I ended up resigned to not look for any depth or companionship in this marriage.
Fearing the worst and watching the family disintegrate, I begun to talk to him about sorting his life out with his new found mistress - who was younger than our oldest child. We began to see a therapist. The therapist wanted him to stop living with his mistress as the goal of therapy was to reunite. He did not want to leave her. He moved on to another therapist hoping that he may continue with this girl and mend his relationship with us at the same time.
Now I am at the crossroads of either burning my bridges and moving on, or continuing to try and unite. I have been a very spiritual person who not only believes but experiences oneness with the entire creation. When I think about my life's higher purpose and karma, I feel why fight all this and just go with the flow. However then I think about my dharma (duty) towards myself and my children and feel that I cannot ignore the impact his ways may have on my children and my life. I would like to know, what are the pros and cons that I am likely to come up against in later years? Then I can weigh them and may be come up with a resolution. I know my heart will have to find the answers.
If you return to your husband what are the likely consequences? He has not mended his ways, so how much love will your re-engaged relationship offer you and your family? How will a return to an abusive relationship assist your confidence and self-esteem? How will such a relationship bring peace into your life? What kind of example will your husband be to your children? What family values will he be passing on to you and your children?
Then if we look at the other possibility - making the decision to live on your own and be a single parent. This path suggests the following questions - what impact would it have on your children for them to have you as their primary example in life without the influence of your husband? What values would they be inculcated with then? How would your self-esteem be affected by a life free of an abusive and disrespectful relationship?
As I see it these are the key questions for you now. I want you to consider these questions carefully and then ask yourself which is the path of love and which is the path of fear? I sense from your question that you want me to help you discern your inner guidance rather than suggest or recommend a particular course of action. My book, Unfold Your Wings, will be a great help. Then I suggest you use your intuition to explore the most appropriate passages in my book online and if you feel drawn to read the whole book I suggest you order the paperback from here. Then if the path you have chosen seems the right one but challenging, I suggest you empower yourself to follow this path by projecting yourself into the future. Write down what you want to happen – your ideal life. Support these writings with images of your ideal future life, either from suitable photographs or by drawing them and make the whole into a collage of your perfect future life. Then put this collage up in your home and also hold it in your heart and in your mind and watch as God guides you by suggesting actions you can take and introducing you to people you can meet who will be the means for your perfect imagined future to become real. All you need to do is listen within for guidance and act on the prompting you are given. Such is the power of inner guidance.
Gertrude van Voorden, in March 2009, comments:
I recently read the NLP suggestion of Richard Bandler for abused women. Put all the bad stuff in a row, without the good times, it will enable you to leave the relationship.
For a woman must not stay with a man who has betrayed her more than a moment of going astray. It is in respecting your value as a woman, demanding to be respected by others, you follow your dharma and you teach your children by example. Your not tolerating his behaviour is far more important as a seed for their future, than your begging him to return.
But then comes a step far more difficult. You both need to be the adults, and be parents to your children. With mediation, counseling or on your own, you the mother needs to make her peace with the situation. Seek those that love you, see yourself through their eyes, reclaim your strength and then be the adult. Know the universe wants you to have a real and true husband.
Not for him, or his childish behaviour, but because you know, he will always be the father of your children - and you, because you love them, would not want him to be an issue in their future lives. And trust me, unless he has done something truely horrific in the eyes of society, they will see him with their child eyes, their hearts filled with love.
So while you are still in the position of making a claim on him, claim him to be the best father he can possibly be. Continue having family gatherings, without his girlfriend. It may be hard at first, but so much easier than all the negative energy that might result when the time comes for your grandchildren to enter this world.
Know now that surviving a divorce takes maximum 5 years. Biting through the sour apple now, trusting your strength, remembering Arjuna, will protect your children in the future.
I wish someone had told me a lifetime ago, what I had to find out the hard way, causing much pain to many people... Finding that all the hurt in past relationships is my story, and not necessarily my child's. Making amends 20 years after the fact, after lives have been lived, almost an unsurmountable mountain. But seeing my son's love for this man, who was absent for over 20 years, how can I not make an effort to amend the situation I created a lifetime ago?