How do I heal after choosing abortion?
The questioner's philosophy
Rapidly we fell apart and I faced the choice of having this baby myself. I was gripped with fear and anxiety, constantly crying and praying to the angels to take my baby back. I was terrified at the prospect of being a single mother, I pushed my boyfriend away to try to clear my head but nothing got better and the idea of abortion gradually took root. It was an extremely hard decision and something I never ever thought I could go through. But I wanted my life back, and so I switched off and went ahead with it.
Since then I have been overcome with grief, regret and shame. I cry even more and the huge implication of what I have done is drowning me in sorrow. I told my boyfriend I'd miscarried and he is being now very supportive and I think, "What have I done?" I now allow myself to think the things I previously shut out, like "I'm a mother, I'll be okay, it's not the end of the world, relax and breathe."
To say I hate myself is being kind. I have a blackness in the pit of my stomach and I'm appalled at what I allowed myself to do... to be carried away with negativity to such an extent and I can never ever change what I did and I'm am finding it impossible to forgive myself. I'm going to counseling and taking anti-depressants and I'm doing some Reiki self-healing but my shame is killing me. Can you help me?
This event is a huge lesson for you and your boyfriend and a warning to others reading your question about the dangers of having a casual and cavalier approach to sex, family and relationships.
I think there can be a measure of self forgiveness and healing from this experience. Reflect on why you had the abortion - it must have made sense at the time. Why did it make sense at the time? What were you not seeing then? See if you can work with your counselor to be clear about that. Understanding why it made sense at the time will help you empathize with and forgive yourself, for making the decision. Then, with your counselor, ask yourself - what do you see more clearly now?
Your life has been given to you to learn about love and you have not failed as long as you do so. Let this experience teach you all it can about love and then have this learning shape your life.
Your love for your baby will also be felt at the baby's end, i.e. by that being who was connected to you then and, since love never dies, that love is real and will help to heal the other from the rejection that took place.
However you may find self-forgiveness a difficult process and there may still remain a sense of shame, grief and self loathing. If this is so there is still a healing path out of these persistent feelings. If you choose to adopt it, this path will shape the remainder of your life.
To achieve total healing and make complete peace with this event you need to give back what you have taken away. What do I mean by this? Search for a baby with no hope and no future, rescue that child and raise it as your own. There are organizations that will help you do this. As you raise this child you will experience a growing sense of abiding peace and profound inner healing. Such profound inner healing will bring you great joy!
You do not necessarily have to go out now and find such a child, but to attain total healing you need to resolve to make it your life's purpose to find, rescue and raise a destitute child and commit to that task in your heart. Making this commitment will start the profound healing process and bring the circumstances into your life that will help this to happen. Do not worry how this is all going to happen - if you make the commitment Divine Forces will come into play to help and support you.
To date you have not been able to pull together with your boyfriend to confront the situation. I advise you to do so now. I recognize that you have not told your boyfriend the truth about what has happened, possibly out of a wish to keep him in the relationship at all costs. But what future do you and your boyfriend have together if you go forward with such a deception present at the heart of your relationship? You have to tell him the truth. You might be surprised at his response. After the initial shock, he may become the pillar of support you wish for. If he is then I suggest you invite him to attend your counseling sessions so that you receive help to rebuild your relationship. If your relationship starts to heal I recommend you get the Shared Couples Trance program. Listening to this CD will help you relax together and enjoy the rejuvenating effects it will have on your relationship.
Alternatively, if on telling him your boyfriend decides to shirk his responsibilities and get off side, he would have been no use as a prospective husband anyway and you need to work with your counselors and others to be supported in finding the way forward.
You did not mention your own family in your question. Perhaps your shame keeps you from confiding in them. Consider telling your parents, and siblings, (if you have them) what has happened and ask them to support you. You were very honest with me in your question - you can be equally honest with them. Adversity often brings out the best in families and you would be helped greatly by support from family members as well as professional counselors.
Remember you are not alone. God, your inner source of strength and guidance, is always there for you. Pray for strength to face this situation and to gather the love of others around you who will be understanding and supportive. Never isolate yourself again when in difficult circumstances. There is always help available if you ask for it. And, if you ask God what the loving actions and decisions are, He will always guide you correctly.
Therefore, instead of acting out of fear, I want you to ask God Within: What is the loving, caring thing I can do in this situation? How can I use love (not fear) to heal the relationship with my boyfriend? How can I use love to heal the relationship with the child I have lost? And finally how can I come to love myself again?
Remember always stay connected to people you trust and to ask within what the loving course of action is in every trying circumstance. Then God will show you the answers and the way forward.
I invite you to hold this inspiring vision:
Patrick Gallivan, March 2009, comments:
Your questioner, if she has any spiritual/religious belief, should realise that her child is now in spirit and will continue to grow in spirit. Or, perhaps, this child may choose to wait for another opportunity to come into the physical through the same 'channels' (couple) as its previous attempt. She should talk to the child. Explain what happened and apologise to it, and ask for forgiveness. She should build up a love bond between each other. She should realize that she too is a spirit, and she should allow her spirit to relate to the child's spirit, and build up this relationship. Past is past, leave it alone! Live for the future and gain from the experience, for that is what life is all about - learning lessons through life's experiences. Don't wallow in guilt. Move on!
Naomi Sutcliffe, March 2009, comments:
I would like to firstly offer out my love and peace to you the writer of this letter.
As a woman having to make a choice such as this can be a terribly traumatic time. What you could choose to think about is placing less focus on the actions that have led you here and more on the emotions you are currently experiencing. Without knowing much of your life and your family and friendships surrounding you one can only go on some rationalizations about your present feelings.
Grief, loss and sadness are surprising emotions and can take hold when we least expect them. When choosing to make a difficult decisions such as this, there is the burden of responsibility that is also mixed into this reaction. I strongly feel that you need to stop accepting all the responsibility for this present situation upon yourself. This may mean that the time has come for honesty with your partner and perhaps outreaching to a close friend who will not judge you by your actions.
The shame that comes with making this difficult choice is yours to personally work through and yet there are many out there who seek to enforce their opinions and thus further distress for millions of woman who are also forced to make this choice.
It takes two to have sex and make a baby, it takes two to recognise the mistakes that are made and work through the emotions involved. If there is one of you who is not able to work through this situation, either because you have removed the opportunity from him by not being truthful, or alternatively because you fear that if you do he will find another reason to withdraw from you emotionally the time has come for honesty.
There is a relief that can also come from working through these issues. Your grief is complicated by the lack of honesty and the feelings associated with this decision. You need to know, irrespective of how scared and fearful you are. You need to share. Without honesty there can be no forgiveness, without forgivenss you risk harbouring the anger and the bitterness, at best for a many number of months or years, at worst life long.
BE KIND TO YOURSELF. We have a tenderness that exists so deep but you need to turn this into reality for you. Soothe your pain. Let your grief unfurl without fear. They are just emotions, you have nothing to fear from them. use them and they will guide you through this difficult time.
Be aware that your life is about choosing things that are right for you, and if you have a tendency to do things because you feel it is expected of you or because someone else thinks this is the best course of action. IT IS NOT NECESSARILY GOING TO HELP YOU. Choose only what you feel is right, do only what is the best option for you. This way you accept the responsibility for yourself, your decisions and your own healing and THIS is the most important element.
Do not allow other people to impose their feelings onto you. Their feelings are their own. Be strong and work on your confidence and your self esteem. What does not break us makes us stronger.
Bless you for all that you do and all that you are.
Michelle Catwoman, March 2009, comments:
Let me start by saying please forgive yourself and know that you did the right thing. For eons of time the burden of pregnancy has always, and will always fall on to the shoulders of the woman. In ancient times from what I have read, women have had the right to choose, because without the required happiness and knowingness, the situation becomes a lonely painful burden, a lot could be said on the outcome of this type of choice. But the essential truth is this, without your happiness the choice is not a good one. There is a reason the mother should be happy and able to care for the child. Yes, you could have had the baby and then given it up for adoption, if you could have handled that choice.
Outsiders will echo what you should do, but will they pay, will they help? Look at the enormous amount of unwanted, uncared for children.
I too have walked your path, felt the burden by myself, knew that I couldn't do it, even paid for the abortion by myself. In overcoming my grief I had another women say something quite amazing to me, and it really helped me. She said the soul of the baby knew what I would do, and only wanted a brief experience with me. She said the soul of the baby: remember our souls are ageless, the body might be one year old, but that is not the age of the soul inhabiting the body, just wanted to jump in and jump out so to speak.
Our culture really adds to the burden and shame around sex, which is just taking something beautiful and trashing it with judgment and condemnation, women get the brunt end of all this. Anyway, an important point is this. You got to see how your boyfriend would react under circumstances that required him to suddenly step up to the plate. He too played a big part by not concerning himself with the possibility of pregnancy. More importantly he withdrew from you causing you more stress during your pregnancy. Men want to enjoy sex, the freedom of having sex, and still sometimes remain unconcerned about pregnancy so much of the time, while we have to worry, take a pill, or put the condom on him. Unless of course the man was raised to take responsibility, in which case there is a discussion on birth control, and action on his part. If men took more responsibility in preventing pregnancy, the statistics would be completely different. Even grown men say it's the problem of the girl... that is, in getting pregnant. So straighten out your shoulders for a rude awakening while the guys run "scott-free", and you cry yourself to sleep.
I feel your pain. You need to know you are forgiven, you are not a bad person because you did what you had to do. You are a child of God no less and no more than anyone else. The situation is a hard one, piled on top of that with a new boyfriend, and no concrete future or footing to step into. I believe that if you felt certain and confident about the baby you would have had it. Had that inner knowing been there you would have gone a different route. Don't punish yourself because you wish it had been different.
The difference between men and women is sometimes so amazing, you cry and suffer alone, and yet the man often feels nothing but relief in this type of situation. Relief from their responsibility, their pocketbook, they can play and not have to pay. Brutal but true.
We are here to love and learn, and sometimes the hardest lessons are the best ones. Have faith and renewed strength in yourself and see your boyfriend for who he truly is. Don't be in illusion to his character. So often women become bonded to men that they "feel" so much for but don't really know. Take time to honor yourself, be yourself, and know yourself. You will have a more fulfilling relationship if you come first, rather than putting yourself aside and making yourself available at his beck and call. If this makes no sense to you, then be aware that you need to "grow in your self love".
I hope this helps in your healing!
The Questioner, March 2009, comments:
I am the woman who posted the topic here. Firstly, I would like to thank you all for your kindness and understanding and warmth. Your comments have uplifted me and I am very humbled.
I am still attending counselling which is helping me come to terms a little, and is revealing to me my weaknesses, and showing me I need to have compassion for the person I was in that situation. It is something that will take me a very long time, and I cry frequently for my loss, and my baby's loss.
My boyfriend had 2 previous girlfriends who had abortions, and through talking to him he explained that this fear resurfaced during my pregnancy, and this was the reason he was unsupportive and distant and quite aggressive towards me. I now realise that I was paying for the behaviour of his ex's, but I cannot change the past now. He was constantly asking me if I wanted an abortion to which I was horrified, but the seed was planted. I had an opportunity recently to be honest, and I don't know if he knew what I was about to say or I was guided not to say anything but the moment had passed, and I was very aware that my mouth opened but nothing came out. In my minds eye I saw a great big steel padlock, and I knew then that I would probably never tell him. It is partly through my shame and partly through fearing his reaction I could not tell him. Our relationship is almost over now so its not through a yearning to hold onto him, that's for certain.
It was a bad choice on my part to go down this road - and the ordinary, peaceful woman I was is gone and I know I will never be the same again. At a recent reiki healing, the lady working on me told me I had the spirit of a little baby boy whizzing around me. The information made my stomach lurch, and I wanted to throw up with grief and heartache.
I can only say that if anyone is considering having an abortion please stop and consider the ripple effects this will have on your life. Don't worry about problems with the man in your life, you are the most important person in this situation. The baby is not only his, but yours also - and you are stronger than you think you are. Remember and realise that your hormones will change your moods drastically, and you may be feeling with your head, and not your heart. Above all, talk to someone who will support you and calm you down before making any life-changing decisions because truly, you cannot go back, life doesn't come with a rewind button - and if you knew that this "choice" will surely break your heart in half you would never ever consider it.
Gertrude van Voorden, March 2009, comments:
Hello. First let go of the guilt and shame and maybe also the regret and sadness about your loss. At the level where your baby is now, those kind of emotions do not exist. Your baby was met by many angels and is well taken care of.
Often our children on the other side are out greatest teachers, so try and open yourself up to the teachings of your child. You could also tell your child to remember your blueprint and come back to you and an appropiate time, when your life is in harmony.
I did what you did. Maybe even worse. I was mentally coerced to have an abortion i did not want at any time, i wanted the baby. But my fear of loosing my partner made me do things i regret to this day. I am 58 now. Regret not guilt, for i fully do trust that my child is well, and beyond suffering, where she/he is now.
You have had a most beautiful lesson. At a very young age, you got to learn, how important the support of a partner is. The boyfriend you had, failed you as your parents did. Apparently they were not safe for you to go to, to ask the support you were entitled to as their child.
You can fully learn the lesson, be wise and strong as a woman, and conclude that when a man, a boyfriend, reacts as yours did, he is not and will not be in the future, the appropiate husband and father to your future children.
You can now choose to educate yourself in how to choose a better mate, in what is really required in a partner, a father of your future children. As it is very hard to change for people and you will never forget what happened to you and your child, move on. Know you are worth so much more, than a man that reacts to your pregnancy in the way your boyfriend did. Know a new life is to greeted with the utmost joy, gratitude for the gift god/the universe is entrusting you with. celebrating the new soul who has chosen you as its mother.
Deal with the sadness. EFT is very effective and fast. Remember your feelings when you found out about your pregnancy, before your boyfriends reaction. If negative, forgive yourself and promise yourself to not get into a situation like that anymore, use precaution, and promise yourself to be truely ready the next time a soul comes knocking, having chosen you to be its mother.
I have 4 children. Know that the way you create your children will always stay with them and with you. Created in a harmonious way, with a loving partner, the child gets to be an adult, living its own life. Created in an unbalanced relationship they most likely will continue the negative patterns, and it will take them a lot of time to deal with the consequences. Which in itself can hold many major lessons, but also entails a lot of pain and suffering.
Being a single mother is really hard, leaving not much time for your own development. Having to give love all the time to your children, when not having a partner, who gives true love to you is exhausting.
You get the choice to do it better. Learn the dynamics of a harmonious love relationship. Take a course. Do not fall for being in love, which is mostly lust. You deserve a most beautifull relationship, if only that you came out on this site, for what you did, and how you feel about that.
Stop the lying. Own up to what you did. Tell your parents or write them a letter and deal with the consequences. If need be do it with someoneelse present, protect yourself. Do not wait most of your life to truely stand for who you are and to live your truth. The only love that is real and worthwhile is the love that accepts you with all your negative qualities, all your mistakes and still chooses to love you and be loyal to you.
Everybody makes mistakes, everybody fails, some call that learning experiences. Doing the best you can is good enough. And your baby on the other side wants nothing but the best for you. Life has not ended for that child, you can still communicate with them, even when it is just to say you are sorry, you were not wiser at the time.
Abortion is bad, but having a child you do not truely and fully want is far worse. For such a child, life is virtually impossible, creating further damage in all future generations until someone knows how to transform the negative patterns. I am such a child and I am trying, but it is very hard. You would not have wanted that for your baby. From when I was 2 years old I consciously wanted to return to the world I knew I came from. I survived with the help of God and angels.