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Should I leave my small island to find the perfect man?

heart to heart The questioner's philosophy
I am a Muslim.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
To find a loving committed relationship with someone (regardless of his religion) and to live a fulfilling family life.
To find a loving committed relationship with someone (regardless of his religion) and to live a fulfilling family life.

Question: Thank you Wallace, for offering this much needed service. I have a career which carries status, loving parents and sisters and people say I am very attractive. So I find it strange that I am still single at 28 and this is causing me a lot of pain. I have prayed and fasted during the holy month so that God would bring a good man to me, but I have yet to meet him.

One of the reasons may be that I live on a small island with only 80,000 people so that makes it very difficult to meet potential suitors. When I travel to the other parts of the world on holiday, I meet men who are interested in me romantically, but the distance causes any relationship to wither. I am wondering whether moving abroad would enable me to meet my prince charming and have what I have always wanted; the love of a good man and children.

I am still a virgin and I want to remain so until I meet someone I love and who I feel loves me. But lately I have been thinking whether this belief is worth holding on to, as I feel my biological clock is ticking but the love clock has not struck yet, and being a passionate woman, I find men quite irresistible. Moving abroad would cause me to leave all my comforts, and I have lived abroad for five years whilst completing legal studies, but ultimately I want to know whether sacrificing my comforts would enable me to fulfill my dreams.

I am losing interest in my career as I feel the pressing need to settle down and everyone around me senses this. I blame the previous relationships (one involved physical abuse) and find that men invariably leave me or are still obsessed over the past girl friends. In short, I attract unavailable men.

I know I cannot hurry these things (I tried online dating) and I do not want to do what is sinful, so how do I find him? Should I be content and not expect to have everything I want?

Wallace's reply
Wallace How to reply to your question? Yes it is good to accept and appreciate your life as it is and not to expect too much. Having expectations of any kind creates tension and this very tension drives what you need further away. Then you will feel empty inside. Why - because you are looking for something outside of your Self to make you fulfilled and when you cannot have it you feel a sense of lack and emptiness.

My advice to you is to make God your suitor. Have that relationship as the most important one. By drawing closer to God, you will feel a growing dependence on Him. I recommend you create a small space in your day, preferably early in the morning, which you devote to your relationship with God. In this space you can read devotional texts, pray, meditate and talk to God. When you do this pray from the Heart, sharing what you would like with God, and ask that these wishes only be fulfilled if it is His Will for your life. Then hand over your wishes to Him, feeling totally dependent on Him to fulfill your wishes or otherwise as He so desires. Then go about your day and give this matter no more thought.

God can and will guide you on this and other matters but only if you ask Him to take care of it and think of it no more. God works in mysterious ways. You belong to Him. He is in you, with you and around you. You find it hard to be aware of Him in the same way that a fish is unaware of the ocean, because it is everywhere. God has a plan for your life. This plan will be revealed to you as you surrender your will to the greater Divine Will - as you master this skill, slowly your life will begin to evolve in ways that are right for you and which feed your Heart and Soul.

This evolution of your life can, and will include difficulties, challenges and unexpected turns of events. Accept these as they occur and be grateful for them. As you surrender your will to Divine Will, God will start to mould you through the circumstances He brings into your life. God is primarily interested in you becoming a person of sound character and the events and circumstances He brings into your life and the insights you gain from these will bring this about.

Consequently, do not ask - Is my life going to be like this or that? Instead focus on appreciating the life God brings to you, as you surrender your own will and have it merge in His. Then, and only then, will everything find its proper place and you will be at peace.

recommended On the more practical level, why not express your love for children by offering voluntary assistance with the support of orphans or other deprived children. This would both give an outlet for your nurturing instincts and help you meet caring men who shared your love of children. I think you would be fulfilled in this role and not feel so tense and caught up in your thoughts.

As far as staying a virgin is concerned, I receive many emails from people who have brought trying and sad circumstances into their life and their family's lives through sexual indiscretion. One never finds happiness through satisfying one's desires. If you want to feed a desire and be happy feed your desire for God! Reflect on this.

If you would like a book for your devotional space I recommend The Mastery of Love by Miguel Ruiz - these simple truths have the potential to alter profoundly how you view loving relationships as well as your relationship with your Self - God Within.

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