He's irresponsible and unfaithful and I am at the end of my rope - what do I do?
The questioner's philosophy
He loves weed but hasn't smoked since he started trucking school. I don't smoke anymore but did in college and when we first met. I don't do much of anything now that our daughter is 6. He resents that. He still wants me to smoke weed and have threesomes...but he doesn't push it. I never thought I would try to change him. I figured he would do that on his own. I was wrong.
At the age of 30 we're moving in with my parents. Not a good thing at all. I just can't float it any more by myself. He goes out a couple nights a week even though I tell him I don't want him to go. I don't know where he gets the money for it because I don't give it to him. I hide my money from him and I don't know what he really does because he's cheated in the past but only admitted it because I got a disease.
I want to drink when he acts a fool and leaves for the night. If I had a gun I would probably shoot him. And I do have a gun. It's just not been in the house since my daughter was born. So I guess that's good.
I am a massage therapist. I love this work. I did social work for several years but I am not emotionally equipped to do it.
I don't want to leave. He won't. What do I do? I've tried the peace, love and understanding... I will not do a divorce now. I just don't know what else I can do. I pray. It helps. But I guess I just need survival skills at this point. And it's weird that I have these feelings, though I embrace them. I've always been a "make love not war" gal.
You are one of these co-dependent women. You feel this way because your self-esteem is very low and being in a bad relationship, where you receive abuse and a lack of respect reinforces your Subconscious belief that you are no good, creating a kind of bizarre and unhealthy bond between you and your partner. You need to break that bond NOW before you and your daughter are damaged any more by this unhealthy relationship or you inflict damage on your partner.
When you are at the end of your rope the wise thing to do is to get out of the situation. If you can't leave on your own account think of the needs of your daughter. She needs to grow up in a loving, emotionally stable and healthy family. I want to give you a very clear warning - on no account bring that gun into your home. When stressed and at the end of their rope people can on impulse do something they regret for the rest of their life.
There is more to life than survival. If you are on your own you have a chance of healing your low self esteem, and finding positive supportive relationships that can sustain you. While you are with this man you have no chance.
Once you have left this man you need to focus on healing yourself. The information on Trans4mind.com will help you do that. I wish you every success in creating a new life for yourself.
Nadia Thonnard, Dip.Counselling & Communication (SACAP) writes (February 2009):
If I may add to your all so right answer, that, when reading the lady's letter it is evident that she knows what she Doesn't want and will Not do. This cycle of negativity also reinforces her present state of mind, brewing on the negative and leaving her stuck in there.
I would like to share that she should start looking at what she wants. Put it in writing if it's easier, but ONLY state what she wants. In there she should start evaluating what she does well and what she is good at. This will help raise her self esteem and understand that all the good about herself do not require anyone else for her to succeed, like enjoying being a massage therapist and being good at it. Being a concerned and loving mom.
All these positive aspects of her life depend on her only. With this exercise, she will start to feel empowered and help her move towards the life and happiness she and her daughter deserve.