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My new relationship is hurting my wife and now my lover has fallen out of love with me


heart to heart The questioner's philosophy
I tend to lean toward the Earth based religions.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
Enlightenment and peace before I cross over the veil and begin again because I am certainly not getting this one right!
Question
I have been technically married for almost 18 years. I say "technically" because I left my wife about a year ago to try to find out who I was, because I was not the person I had become. I re-entered college to get my bachelor's degree to improve myself. While I was going to school I met a woman who was teaching at the school. Being an older student, she was younger than I was.

The moment we met, we clicked. I told her I was shamanic, she said she already knew (by "seeing" me). We agreed that we "knew" on some level that we were to be together. One day I went to her clinic and she asked me to read this paper - it read as if it were me. It WAS me! Everything from it was about me - my height, my name being "different," my beard, etc.

She met and likes my estranged wife and doesn't like that we are hurting her (neither do I). We had a beautiful relationship for several months. All of our mutual friends and acquaintances were quick to say, "Yeah, it makes sense that they would be together." We were very happy.

She had broken up with an old boyfriend and was moving out of one apartment into another. I was happy to help. I moved her out of her old apartment and into her new. I painted the old back to white and painted the new (both with her help). We moved furniture into the new and out of the old. We moved furniture from room to room, we did shamanic ceremonies. We saw and did things together.

And then one Sunday I asked if I could come over and visit. She said I could. After stroking her legs and squeezing her feet - which I love doing (putting her into a trance - she said - and thanking me for it) she took my hand, placed it in her lap and told me very sweetly, "You know I love you, and Spirit REALLY loves you and the ceremony that we did the other night was great and I really love doing ceremony with you, but I'm just not 'in love' with you anymore."

Since then she has been very distant. I know she is going through some stuff. Her father (on the other side) told me to be patient. Help?

Wallace's reply
Wallace
What has happened to you illustrates the importance of completing one relationship before beginning another one. I don't know if the fact that you were hurting your wife through this liaison has affected your new found lover, but if she is a sensitive woman, as she appears to be, then it is understandable that it would - and rightly so.

My advice to you is to return to your relationship with your wife and open up a conversation about where you are going as a couple. Do not do this hoping to end your relationship with your wife so that you can start a new one with your lover, because that may never happen - we don't know what will happen. Return to your wife and have open heart to heart discussions about the two of you as a couple. Speak your truth and listen carefully to hers. Be open to whatever comes out of such discussions - including the possibility that you may rekindle your love for one another! As a result of such on-going discussions your marriage will probably either renew itself or lead to an agreed and (hopefully) amicable separation with a view to divorce.

Should you decide to separate permanently you need to grieve for the loss of your wife and then ideally, divorce, before opening yourself up to the possibility of another romantic relationship. This may present difficult challenges for you and even an experience of the dark night of the soul. If you do decide to separate this all needs to be experienced and will be an essential step in your own healing and growth.

Alternatively you may renew your love for your wife through such discussions. Then your life and your marriage will begin again afresh, with new momentum and a feeling of young love - for each of you will have grown and through such growth become intimate once more.

No-one, including you, can tell which path you will eventually follow - but of this I am sure - you need to confront this crisis in your marriage and not run away from it anymore. If you want healing peace and enlightenment this is your next step. It may have been valuable for you to have had this year away from your wife to "discover yourself" a bit more, but now is the time for open and honest discussion.

Should this crisis in your marriage take you into a dark inner space, do not be afraid of this darkness. Instead embrace it and feel it fully, for in doing so you will find a new brighter light beyond the veil of the dark, empty, inner space.

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