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I want a long term relationship but the women I date don't. What am I doing wrong?


heart to heart The questioner's philosophy
Spiritual - realizing that there are forces affecting us but I don't believe in a single deity.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
I want to generate some income - my businesses collapsed last year. I also want a rich and fulfilling relationship with a woman.
Question
I am 52 with youngish children - 11 and 9. Most women I meet have grown-up children and don't want to go back to younger ones even though I only have mine alternate weekends - so it's not going to be a full-time thing anyway.

I seem to be able to meet women - usually on-line. But after a couple of months, I keep getting the "Let's just be friends" thing. All of my dates say they've never met such an amazing guy. They say they've learned loads from me about themselves in terms of personal development, business and so many other areas. But I always get the same result. I love being able to help people progress and discover things about themselves but I also want to have something more long-term and fulfilling for both of us. I don't know where I'm going wrong.

I know I was too keen and stifled some women, so now I've tried stepping back to give them more space. I've been open and honest about my feelings, which is something I was never able to do before my internal discovery. But that honesty backfires too - I thought women wanted an honest, stable and committed man. I'm at a loss as to what to do.

Wallace's reply
Wallace
Welcome to the world of dating! You're not necessarily doing anything wrong. What people (men and woman) say they want in relationships, and what they actually are attracted to, can be very different! If people are not coherent, they will quite happily say they want a particular type of person while at the same time opting to date long term a completely different type of person from their stated preference. What does this mean? It means they are not particularly self aware. They let their desires overrule their inner guidance. There are many subtle inner forces that influence our choice of partner. Not many people choose their partner with awareness. That is one of the reasons there are so few good marriages.

One area where you need to address your own growth is your tendency to expect a certain outcome. I sense in your question a subtle wish to control the other person, to expect them to want to date you long term and, through this subtle expectation, a tendency to wish to control the other. True love is where we leave the other person completely free to make their own choices. We can and will communicate with them, sometimes powerfully, but we must always communicate while respecting their freedom of action.

recommended I encourage you to continue to date women, to enjoy their company, to do so without expecting that a long term relationship will develop. I encourage you to love yourself more and not to try and fill up the void inside that is resulting of a lack of self love, by seeking love from another. If you do that you will then be able to really love a woman and the right woman will see and appreciate that quality in you.

To further support your personal growth in the area of relationships and self love I suggest you read The Mastery of Love by Miguel Ruiz - these simple truths have the potential to alter profoundly how you view loving relationships as well as your relationship with yourself.

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