I am healing and growing quite rapidly, but my behavior surprises me and I feel lost!
The questioner's philosophy
I have been working on removing my "masks," I have also been meditating and listening to the aspect of myself which is my deeply wounded child, with my Higher Self, as well as healthy adult ego self, acting as the "parent." As my masks have been loosening up, I have had more frequent episodes of destructive behaviors on my part, consisting of drinking too much, blacking out and putting myself in dangerous situations. I am afraid I may be unleashing my lower self too soon? I am healing and growing quite rapidly but I am also behaving in ways that still surprise me. I feel a bit lost. Thank-you in advance for your time.
You can relate to your inner child the way you would relate to one of your own children. You do not let your children run riot, drink too much and put themselves in danger. You need to understand the parent role your healthy, adult ego is playing. Your healthy, adult ego needs to lovingly introduce discipline to your unruly wounded inner child, and Your Higher Self needs to embrace her in light and love her. The "Masks" you wear are the part of you that keeps the wounded rebellious part under wraps, as it were. As these wraps come off, it is natural to experience a wide range of emotion and distress. Your pain, instead of being hidden away, comes to the surface where it can be healed.
The love that heals the wounded inner child comes from Spirit - which is all love. To avail of this love when your inner child is feeling wounded, ask your Higher Self to send rays of love and comfort to the part of you that is hurting. To do this, imagine your wounded child is residing in your heart. Then imagine drawing in rays of love from the universal energy field all around you and surround your wounded inner child with white light. Let her be enfolded in a cocoon of pure white light.
Pay particular attention to your feelings as you do this. Such tender love, directed inwardly, can often evoke feelings of grief and loss. These feeling are from the wounds you received from your past, even from as long ago as when you were a child. If these feelings come up, find somewhere private, put on some evocative music and let the tears flow. Such deeply felt grief is very healing to your wounded inner child and speeds spiritual integration. If memories come up from your past associated with this grief, and you feel anger or resentment toward people, you need to get in touch with them, have an open discussion about what happened and forgive them. If you do this your unruly inner child will gradually lose her rebellious streak, calm down and become more integrated with other aspects of your psyche.
The spiritual path is not about division - although the experience of being divided can be very real. The spiritual path is about growing into the Unbounded Self, where all is One and any sense of separateness or division diminishes! We walk this path by healing our old wounds, forgiving those who brought them upon us, or apologizing and asking forgiveness from those who we, in our ignorance, wounded.
To heal our past is to heal our relationships, is to heal our life, is to heal ourselves. People who walk this path often feel lost at times. You are losing your pain and the ego shell that goes with it. The transition from ego driven to intuited knowledge is confusing. I want to assure you that there is nothing wrong. What you are experiencing is normal and natural for people on the healing path.