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How can I remove doubt and fear so that I can start a new life?


heart to heart The questioner's philosophy
I am spiritual, with strong beliefs regarding the process of dying. I have no fear and at times welcome the time when death will come.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
I hope to live back in Arizona closer to my children. I aspire to open my heart to allow loving relationships.
Question
Raised second of six children, 4 girls, 2 boys in a very dysfunctional family, I moved away from my roots in Florida after my twins were born, 37 years ago. I have been in and out of counseling most of my life. It was difficult to get good results.

I've had failed relationships even with my own daughters. Then three years ago I was so desperate and at times suicidal - I was in "Fight or Flight" mode - that I moved back to my roots and extended family in Florida in the hope of finding some answers and memories that might trigger some solutions to what seemed "Bipolar" behavior. This moved proved to be very valuable for me and I managed to regain strength, free my guilt and forgive myself and others that had wronged me from early childhood. My heart is at peace and I have a calmness I've never known before.

One issue I can't seem to recover from is "trust." I don't have friends and find it difficult to allow intimacy into my life. I now want to be back where I love to live in Arizona, but can't seem to find answers as to how I can do that. I still find it very difficult to ask for help, especially since I believe my daughters think "you got yourself there Mom, you can find your way back" - so we don't discuss my quest.

I was in such a state of mind when I moved that I have little memory how I did that alone and when I think of moving back I'm afraid I can't do it alone. I'm no stranger to starting over, but this time I'd like to know it's for all the right reasons. I'm on a limited income due to a disability sustained in 2000, so finances are a great issue.

I want to prove to myself I can do this wisely while not going back to old fears I've had over my lifetime. I find so much strength when I apply what I read from "Cultivate Life!", so I'm hoping my question will be answered. How do I remove doubt and fear so I can make this move?

Wallace's reply
Wallace
I am delighted you have written to me because your question clearly illustrates the healing that comes about when you return to issues of the past, communicate with those involved and offer forgiveness.

To forgive those who have wronged you or to ask forgiveness from those you have wronged is absolutely necessary if you are to find inner peace. It seems like the forgiving and healing of relationships in Florida has accomplished what years of counseling could not. You say you want to be able to move back to Arizona without going back to old fears.

It seems to me that one of your biggest fears is reigniting your dormant relationship with your daughters. You need to open up communication with them and explain to them why you had to go to Florida and the benefits this move has brought you in personal healing. It may not be true at all that your daughters are unwilling to help you move back. It is mistaken to assume you know what your daughters are thinking. You could (and probably are) quite wrong. By opening up conversations with your daughters you are inviting them into your world and you are gaining understanding of theirs.

If this seems scary, consider starting such a conversation by email or letter. When you do, explain to your daughters that you feel scared opening up this conversation (if that is indeed how you feel) and that you ask for their understanding. Then proceed to explain the reasons for your departure and the healing you have gained from moving back to Florida. Then tell them you love them very much, apologize for any hurt you may have caused them and say you now feel ready to return to Arizona and start a new life closer to them. When, by doing this, you have opened up two way communication, the doubt and fear will begin to fade, the reasons for making the move will become clearer, you will feel better able to ask for help and your resolve to move to Arizona will grow stronger.

You cannot gain trust from a distance. You have to reach out in love to your daughters even if it means risking rejection. As communication opens up trust will appear and grow, like a flower in springtime. Then with a deepening of communication, gradually sharing more and more of what is in your heart, and discovering what is in theirs, trust will become firmly established. Once you have learnt to trust your daughters then you will be able to take that positive experience and build on it to gradually open up to other people and create a network of trusting friendships. But take it gently - in opening communication and learning to trust, you are continuing the healing path you started in Florida and personal healing works slowly. Let your Heart decide the nature of each step and when it can be undertaken. It is by following the promptings of your Heart that you will continue to heal your life.

In seeking to re-establish your relationship with your daughters, you will now be able to draw on the successful experiences you had in healing family relationships in Florida. This is how a spiritual healing path works. You are given a challenge to go through and when that challenge has been successfully negotiated, your Heart guides you toward the next challenge. The purpose of these challenges is for you to heal yourself and your life. When you have healed yourself and your life then your Heart will increasingly direct you to expand the circle of your concern out into your neighborhood, country and world. Then what started as a journey of personal healing, will, if pursued, become a powerful beacon of healing energy available to the whole plant. Such is the power of the Heart to effect personal and global healing.

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