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I have poor self esteem, my feelings of love for my husband are fading and I am frightened he will leave me - help


heart to heart The questioner's philosophy
Spiritual longing for love from others and myself.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
To feel more loved and secure in my relationship, or be brave enough to find some one else who can make me feel more secure and loved, even if we have two children at 11 and 14.
Question
I am a woman in Sweden who wonders how I can get rid of my anxiety about my relationship with my husband. I feel anxious almost continuously since the time I heard him tell a friend that he did not think he loved me. Since then my own feelings for him have become weaker, even though he said later that he did not mean it, and that he loves me. Since then, I think that we have both lost a lot of the attraction we had for each other, maybe almost all the attraction. I do not want to become only friends because we have been together for about 15 years and have children.

How can I be sure what to do - to stay or not? I now feel worried, sad and bitter (because we took what we had for granted) and get a bad stomach. This feeling of being unloved maybe does not help my self esteem - it is already bad. Please give me some advice. I am afraid my fear that we can not get the attraction and trust back will make it true, since "The Secret" tells people that what we think comes true. But I find it hard to think positively right now!

A medical woman told me that if I do not change and become more happy and positive, my husband might leave me when my children are older. But she also said that maybe I could save the relationship if I changed. However since she said that, I have focused more on the negative things she said, even though some tarot players and someone else did not think our relationship would end. I just do not know how to feel secure again. I am not sure my husband loves me. He might find someone else at any time. He is easy to talk to and even flirts with other women.

I have begun to fantasize about some one else and imagine being more loved and secure with that man, even if that other man only seems to play with many women.

Please give me some advice! I am a woman tired of worrying who is longing for hot kisses and words of love, who also struggles with unemployment, bad self esteem and a feeling of loneliness.

Wallace's reply
Wallace
Feelings, feelings, feelings - why do so many people put so much emphasis on ephemeral feelings? Feelings come and go, but love is much more than a feeling - LOVE IS A DECISION. When you married your husband you made a decision - to love him for the rest of your life. This does NOT mean you will always feel love for him - it means you have made a commitment to act in loving ways toward him no matter what happens and no matter how you feel.

Love is a decision. However, the main issue here is not the lack of love you have for your husband, or the lack of love he has for you, but your poor self esteem. The main issue is the lack of love you have for yourself, combined with your insecurity. To find security you need to search for it within yourself, not through being loved by someone else. If you are secure within, then you are happy and carefree, and because you are happy and carefree, lots of people will choose to love you, including your husband. The medical woman is right in one thing she said, you are the one who needs to change. You need to discover how to love and trust yourself.

The most important task for you now is to learn to trust. You are seeking love and security by attempting to manipulate, control and predict external events in your life. You cannot predict or control whether your husband loves you or not, because that is his decision, nor can you predict or control whether he will leave you or not - likewise, his decision. Replace this compulsion to control your husband and predict his behavior, with TRUST. What do you need to learn to trust? You need to learn to trust that God, the Universe, a Higher Power - or whatever term you wish to give the Source of all Love - is looking after you. More than that, God loves you more than you can ever know! When you cut yourself off from that love, by becoming manipulative, fearful, controlling and anticipatory, then the resulting bad karma will draw to you larger and more painful life lessons.

So first believe in God's undying love for you and exchange fear for trust. When you are trusting, all anxiety leaves and you experience total security.

Next look at what you are doing. You are trying to control your husband and predict his behavior. Why? If you love him, then set him free. Let him be whatever way he wishes to be and DECIDE to love him as he is. Be attentive to your husband's needs. Anticipate his needs and surprise him by providing them unasked. Expect nothing in return.

Let him be. Then acknowledge the truth - that you are a strong and powerful woman and that, with the power of indwelling God supporting you, you can, and will, handle whatever happens in your life. Then hand over the whole situation to God and let Him determine the outcome. If you need help, ask Him directly for guidance. He will guide you if you are trusting and have placed the outcome in His hands.

You have nothing to fear. Do not place any value on your own or other people's meaningless speculation about the future course of your marriage. The future is unknown. Admit that and learn to accept, and love, life's unpredictability. Know that, as a person inspired by God, you can handle any situation creatively.

I caution you strongly against leaving, or even thinking of leaving, your husband. You need to do the opposite - commit to him more and more strongly. Commit to him even if you do not feel like it. If you choose to leave your husband your life will become a complete mess. The problem is not your husband. The problem is your relationship with yourself. If you leave your husband you will take the broken relationship you have with yourself with you. This broken relationship will enter into any other relationship you have with another man and destroy it. Your whole focus now needs to be on healing yourself and loving your husband.

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