Then my Mom got sick with leukemia. She was 3 hours away. I went a lot, but she died in October 07. Last fall I met a man. The relationship grew fast. He met my Mom in hospital. My Dad really liked him, and we made plans to build a house together. (He also met Lorne.) He took me to Mexico (Lorne has passed already) and the day after, over the phone, he told me it's over and to move on. For what ever reason, I still don't know. He did not say.
So as you see, I went through a lot in a few short years. That last blow was January 08. I've dealt with that, I have dealt with Lorne's death, still dealing with my Mom's death, and the fact that I'm too old to get back into the beauty field. But, here it comes... I CAN'T deal with the fact I have no interest in life. When I'm done working, I go to bed and watch TV... I am soooo tired. I don't think I'm depressed. My brain even feels tingly, it's so tired. I drag myself. I was on antidepressants but I'm almost off, because it's time. I don't feel that is what I need. I know a lot about vitamins and herbs. I'm on them.
I feel I have no light in me. I believe in God. I just want to be alone with my pets. I love painting, but I just don't have the energy to. I don't even have the energy to meditate. So this is my question! Please help. HOW DO I GET THAT LI GHT BACK? I don't feel alive! I feel so drained out, it is scaring me. Please don't tell me to go to a head shrink, because I have done that, and they put me on pills only. I also had blood work done. Thank you for reading this.
You seem to me to be suffering from a natural grief reaction made all the more powerful by the series of losses you have suffered in quick succession. You feel very drained - I am not surprised. You have had a lot of very draining experiences. It is ok to feel very drained. Do not fight it by wishing things were different. This is a time to give yourself love and affection - a time to be alone with your pets. Let your pets send you the healing energy of unconditional love, which they will if you let them.
Be gentle with yourself.
Suffering like the kind you are experiencing has a transformative effect for good if we embrace the suffering and stop wishing and yearning for it to go away. Accept the state you are in. Give up resisting it. By making this simple choice you will reduce the amount of suffering you are experiencing enormously. See if you can actually love the state you are in (I know this sounds difficult). By love it I mean accept it, appreciate it and see value in your experience of suffering. Doing this will help open your heart which is what suffering of the kind you are experiencing is meant to do. Trust that the light will come back, and come back much stronger than ever before, as a result of you going through this suffering. The real tragedy of grief is that people do not know how to embrace it and have it open their heart and transform their lives.
I speak from experience on this matter. I was lost in grief for many years, and felt very angry at having to experience such loss, but as I gradually embraced my grief rather than fight against it by wishing things were different, my heart began to open and I began to heal. When I eventually emerged from my long period of grief I was a transformed person. My values had changed for the better and I was more compassionate and understanding. I found that I quite naturally attracted others who were suffering who sought my counsel. This eventually led to my present work as a heart to heart coach on the Internet.
So maintain your faith in God and in yourself. The light has not left you. The light will never leave you for it is your very essence. It appears this way because at the present time there is a veil between you and the light - between you and your essence, God Within. This veil will dissolve as you learn to accept and express your grief through tears, artistic expression or other means. Doing this will release self love and open your heart. As you travel through the valley of tears, God is always with you, beside you and in you, ready and willing to show you the way of healing. All you need to do is to listen to your inner guidance - God's Voice - and He will guide you along the right path. Do not be concerned if you are guided to be quiet and still at home. Trust this inner guidance and give up having ideas as to what you should be doing and what life should be like.
If you follow my advice not only will you feel much better, but you will be using your difficult experiences constructively to self awaken. Eventually, in God's time, you will reawaken to the light within and when you do you will be dazzled by its brilliance.