Trans4mind Home Page
~ Making the Human Heart Visible ~
heart to heart

Looking for a better life?

Trans4mind Training is our series of online, interactive video workshops, based on the life challenge questions we received over several years of Heart to Heart Coaching, like the one on this page.
The workshops incorporate the most effective methods of holistic personal development, combined with personal support from expert life coaches.
The human heart made visible.

After stopping smoking I no longer know how to deal with my anger - what can I do?


heart to heart The questioner's philosophy
I feel everyone should live life to the fullest. I'm a young Christian woman who tries not to be judgmental of others, but at the same time I'm very opinionated.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
I want to some day be a wife and mother and live happily ever after.
Question
I have recently stopped smoking (June of 2007) and now notice that when I became angry when I was a smoker, I would smoke to calm down and now that I don't smoke I don't know how to deal with my anger? I have read the "count to 10 backwards and breath deep breathes," but I really just want to know how do other people deal with their anger - what do they do?
Wallace's reply
Wallace
Congratulations on giving up smoking. You have taken an important step toward a happy, fulfilled life. You were using smoking to suppress the angry feelings you have, now they are getting stronger. I will guide you now in how to manage and then go beyond your anger.

There is a difference between managing your anger and outgrowing your anger. You manage your anger by techniques that buy time so that your angry reactions to life events have a chance to subside and you return to a degree of calmness - until the next time! You outgrow your anger by getting to the root of what causes anger, feeling that deep hurt, changing your consciousness to see the unity of life in every situation and in doing so find perfect unruffled peace within.

In your situation both of these approaches are necessary. You need to manage your anger when it occurs so that you do not cause harm with your explosive words and emotions to yourself and to the people to whom you are relating, and you need to explore the depths of your anger in private, or in a suitable therapeutic setting, so that you can go beyond it.

Managing Your Anger
You already know about counting slowly to 10 and breathing deeply when you are overcome with angry feelings. This is, in my opinion, a good short term measure for calming the angry storm.

Another technique you could use is the following. Whenever you are confronted with a situation that causes you to choose to feel angry, remember to not take yourself so seriously and to look for the funny side of the situation - a technique I call "Reach for the Ridiculous". For example if someone cuts in front of you to get that only spare parking spot, when you feel yourself becoming angry, see how ridiculous the situation is - here you are waiting for 10 minutes to get parked and when a space opens up someone else grabs it - how absurd is that! Ha Ha! Cultivate the habit of "Reaching for the Ridiculous" every time you feel the anger build - remember situations you are involved in can be crazy sometimes and that's all part of the wonderful mix we call life!

Healing Your Anger
Managing your anger is short term, temporary and necessary. Healing your anger is long term, permanent and profound and leads to a transformation in your ability to enjoy life and fulfill your potential. I would certainly recommend this path to anyone who aspires to be a wife and mother and live happily ever after!

At its root, anger is a symptom of our carrying a deep hurt or wound that has never healed. This wound causes us to be mistrustful of life, to fear circumstances as they develop and to attempt to control the detail of life so that it conforms to our wishes. Anger is the opposite of surrender.

In order to heal your anger you need to:

  1. Express your anger so that you get in touch with the deep hurt that is at its root, recall those memories, feel that pain, and let it go.

  2. Reorder your awareness so that you intuitively reach within to see the unity of life and how life is always, in every situation, unfolding perfectly and supporting your evolution and growth.
I have written quite a bit about point 1 - how you can learn to express and heal your anger - in my book Unfold Your Wings and Watch Life Take Off, so I will refer you to the appropriate sections under Further Help and Resources below. I suggest you click on the link and read what I have written there.

As you begin to express, get to the root of and heal your anger, you need to consciously change the way you observe and understand other people and the world around you. To effect point 2, I want you to live with certain questions every time you find yourself in a challenging situation. These questions are:

Then listen within for insight and understanding in relation to these two questions.

You say you are very opinionated. It is good to have opinions. Different opinions add to the richness of life. But being very opinionated is different from being a person with opinions. Personally speaking, although I may have opinions, I only offer them when they are requested or in situations where people value and need my opinions because I am working in a team. Otherwise I keep my opinions to myself.

Why do I do this?
What does it mean to be very opinionated?
Would you benefit from being more circumspect in expressing your opinions?
Would being less opinionated, help reduce your angry reactions to circumstance?
To listen and to observe are wonderful skills to master. I'm sure you've heard the expression - the onlooker sees most of the game. Why is it necessary in a ball game for the coach to be sitting on the sidelines observing the team, rather than playing in the match? Why is this an advantage for the coach? Why does he know how to better direct the strategy of his players by being an observer? Substitute "family" or "office" for "team" when you ask yourself these questions.

I said at the beginning of my reply that anger was the opposite of surrender. What does this mean? To whom or what do you need to surrender?

Like the ball game, there is an order and meaning to the course of events. This order is apparent to the coach, because he has learnt to observe the game and listen to the players. It is in seeing this order that the coach has his advantage. I too am a coach - a life coach - I see the order and meaning in life and in seeing this sense of order I am able to make myself available to help others - the players. Like the coach in a ball game, I do not do very much, but what I do affects the whole match.

I encourage you to also aspire to be a "coach" - in your relationship, in your job and in your life. You will find that when you observe and listen to others as their "coach," you will lose your need to voice your opinion at every opportunity and you will find that by maintaining this quiet inner posture of listening and observing, your opinion will be sought, noted and valued. Then you will have surrendered to inner guidance, have no need of anger and be living happily ever after!

Further Help and Resources
We also have a range of articles within Heart to Heart Coaching on letting go of anger at Quick Coach, many of which you will find helpful.

Read more questions on this topic

Copyright © 1997-2016 Trans4mind Ltd
F
R
E
E

H
E
L
P