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I'm mad about a woman but she isn't interested in me - how can I forget her?


heart to heart The questioner's philosophy
Simple life full of work and love to everyone.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
Not much, down to earth, the little is too much for me.
Question
Thanks for your time listening to me. I love a trouble some women who already is in two or three relationships. She always tells me about her trouble with her regular partner as well as her boyfriend who she considers fun. She is Russian with a very respectable job and has a very nice way with her that makes her lovable by many men.

Of course there is a reason for her being in many relationships. My agony is that I loved her from the moment I saw her and she has never been out of my mind for the last 4 years. I never have had a relationship before, never even had sex life before, at my age - 39 years. Even though I am a professional guy I have never been able to have some one close to me. I don't know why I still love this women? She even advices me to be engaged in a relationship so I can forget about her.

I do everything within my power to see her even if it means I have to travel miles and miles to spend 10 -15 minutes with her. She always ends up asking me to leave because she is busy.

How can I forget her if I loved her?

Wallace's reply
Wallace
My heart goes out to you. Your question has the feel of a desperate man clutching at straws. I want us to pull together to help this man in the Heart to Heart discussion forum.

I want to start my reply with a word of caution. Your pursuit of this woman is obviously unwelcome and if it continues could perhaps be construed as stalking! You need to learn to listen to women and what they are saying. The lady in question obviously does not welcome your advances - so back off before you bring trouble on yourself. There is a lot more to wooing a woman than blindly following your own out-of-control desires (or should I say obsessions!).

You are, by your own admission, very inexperienced at romance - so I am going to give you some guidelines. Your obsession with this woman (I think obsession may be the correct word) and your lack of experience at your advanced age are, I believe, related. For years you have wanted a woman in your life so much, yet have felt powerless to bring this about. Then, out of frustration and a deep sense of lack, you latch on to this woman (who is already unavailable and, according to how you describe her, totally unsuitable for a committed, exclusive relationship) and you are prepared to travel miles and miles to see her only to be told to get lost!

I want you to exchange your feelings of being distant, remote and inadequate around women for feelings of confidence, competence and power in relation to your ability to attract woman into your life. To do this you need a few helpful guidelines and some real life experience.

  1. Attraction has to be a two way experience. For you to feel attracted to a woman and to pursue that attraction is not enough. To succeed, the woman needs to feel some attraction toward and confidence in you. This means when you are mixing among woman you need to have you antennae out for signals from the woman that she is interested in getting to know you in a romantic way. This means taking your attention away from your desires to have a woman and focus instead on whether the woman is giving you signals that she is interested in getting to know you more. If you do not receive these signals, no matter how much you feel attracted to her, do not pursue the woman.

  2. Do not pursue women who are already in a relationship - even if the woman is giving you signals to do so. A woman is either available for an exclusive romantic relationship or she is not. Pursuing women who are already in a relationship will only give you problems and cause heartache all round.

  3. Be interested in the woman as a person - not as an object of sexual desire. Desire to be involved with a woman in a romantic way in order to understand, appreciate and serve her as a person first and let your sexual feelings always be subservient to these aims. If you start having sexual fantasies or desires about a woman, become aware that you are doing this by learning to watch these desires developing in your mind. If you are aware that these are only desires, and can be replaced by a wish to be interested in and of service to the woman, then they will have less and less power to control your behavior and cause you to act in inappropriate ways.

  4. Create lots of opportunities for romantic liaisons. What are your social interests? If you have no social interests develop some. Go to places where single women go and mix in their company, like dancing classes, walking or other interests that will develop your social life. Enjoy the experience of being around single women who share your interests and are fun to be with. By combining this guideline with the others above, you will create lots of opportunities for dates with available women and you will not feel so powerless and desperate.

  5. Read some books on dating and relationships and learn from them and if you are still having problems in this area consider going to a relationship councelor to gain their support and insight as you seek to date available woman.
If you reflect deeply on what I have written and resolve to learn from your current escapade and change your approach to attracting woman, you can begin to feel confident in this area of your life. The confidence that you feel will in itself begin to act like a magnet and attract suitable woman to you.

Further Help and Resources
See the Quick Coach selection of articles about this specific topic: Choosing the right dating partner and having a successful dating experience.

To the reader:
Although this man is 39, he is almost totally inexperienced in having romantic relationships with women. It would be most appreciated if you, the reader, could give him some guidelines by way of support and encouragement. I would especially appreciate it if some of our female readers could offer their perspective to this man in the Comments section below...

Read more questions on this topic

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