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My relationship with my best friend is being ruined by her husband and now I'm feeling suicidal - please help


heart to heart The questioner's philosophy
I'm Christian. My philosophy on life is that all things happen for a reason. I believe that we choose our experiences.
The questioner's hopes and aspirations
I aspire to be emotionally mature and a strong individual.
Question
I've grown up in a dysfunctional family. My mother married my step dad and I had to live with my grandparents. All my life I've had many challenges with relationships and trust.

My current problem is with a close friend of mine. Well we are inseparable and she is 37 years old. I lived with her and her family for a while and then moved out on my own. Her husband was ok with me, but all of a sudden he rejects our friendship completely. He says that she devotes too much attention to me. Just a few points to remember regarding the situation:

  1. 1. He made sexual advances towards me and I declined.
  2. 2. Their marriage has been one of emotional and physical abuse for 10 years.
  3. 3. This friend of mine is busy having an affair.
We are fighting for our friendship. Her husband told her that it's either HIM or ME. Why do I feel so hurt? I do not want to lose her. I can also safely say that all my life I've been in codependent relationships. This is one of them. I'm very emotionally dependent on this friend of mine. If I work on myself and my insecurities, can she and I still have a mature, loving friendship?

What should I do regarding her husband? Should I apologize or back off?

And most importantly how do I work on myself? How do I become stronger? How do I stop this feeling that I've lost everything, because we cannot see one another? How do I forgive her husband for trying to take away the most important thing to me, my best friend? I've even become suicidal because this friend of mine and I cannot even talk on the telephone. She told him that he will have to accept her with me in her life. He doesn't want to hear this. He blames me for everything that is going wrong in their lives. Please help and thank you.

Wallace's reply
Wallace
I suspect you feel your life is rather confused at the moment and you are also having feelings of despair, hence your suicidal thoughts. You probably feel angry toward your friend's husband, sad that you are in this confused situation and grief stricken that you are unable to communicate with your friend. I want you to stop for a moment and become aware of the myriad of emotions you are feeling when you think about your relationship with this friend.

You probably want to blame someone for your confused emotional state - am I right? It feels like they, or the tangled set of relationships you are in, are causing your emotional roller coaster. But is this true? Who causes your emotions - is it other people, your life situation or yourself?

The emptiness you feel at present is because you believe the love you need can be given to you by your friend. When you feel your friendship threatened then you feel empty inside, because the "love " you need is being removed. These may be genuine feelings but are they based on reality or illusion?

I feel, as you have pointed out, that you are much too dependent on your friend and you need to focus on learning to be more Higher Self reliant (reliant on your Higher Self). To achieve this exchange your dependence on your friend for a dependence on God Within your one true source of love and fulfillment.

I want you to reflect now on where love comes from. I want you to discover how you can tap into this source of love that is inexhaustible and ever available. Where does that source of love come from? It comes from your own Heart - from Christ Within. How can you learn to tap into it - by learning to be dependent on Christ Within to guide you in your life and to fill you with feelings of love and fulfillment - feelings that at the moment you are trying to get from your friend.

I wish to encourage you to surround yourself with people who emanate God's love. To that end I suggest, since you follow the Christian faith, you go on a retreat where you are surrounded by Christian people who can support you in developing a relationship with the inner God. You say that in your life you believe that things happen for a reason. The reason you have created this crisis in your life is to give you the willingness to embark on a real and meaningful search for God - for as you embark on this search your pain of separation will subside and your feelings of belonging, of being a child of the Universe, will grow.

I too have been suicidal in my life. It is not a pleasant place to be. Quite naturally, while suffering intense emotional pain, one has thoughts of how to escape this anguish - thoughts which may be self destructive. However if you seek to go beyond the pain you are feeling by developing an authentic relationship with your Higher Self, Christ Within, your inner torment will slowly and gradually subside and your aspiration to become an emotionally mature and strong individual will come true.

I feel it is best if you allow some space between yourself and this married couple. Let them work out their differences for themselves. Be open to the possibility that as you do this your friendship my re-emerge or it may not. Do not be attached to either outcome but rather trust in the flow of life and that with good intentions life evolves to ever greater levels of happiness and wellbeing.

You are in a difficult place psychologically at the moment and you have my sympathy and understanding. Keep focused on the hopeful directions I have given and use your natural inclination to escape the pain you are suffering to supply motivation for exploring the healthy, life enhancing possibilities I am suggesting below. If you do this you will gradually become an emotionally mature and strong individual.

Further Help and Resources
I strongly suggest you seek out a place to go where you can discover your relationship with your Higher Self - Christ Within. This is your most pressing need now. I suggest a retreat because there you will find real friendship of an authentic kind and help and support in developing your inner connection to the Source of Life. If possible choose a retreat which combines a relationship with the indwelling God with some counseling on having healthy and balanced human relationships.

As well as going on a retreat I suggest you attend a relationship counselor. Going for relationship counseling will help you become aware of the unhealthy dynamics of dependency that you are repeatedly setting up with the people in your life. As you become aware of these patterns of behavior working in your relationships you will quite naturally begin to outgrow them.

Remember these self destructive feelings, as I and many others have discovered, are only temporary - they will pass. You do not need to suffer them alone or unaided. If you would like some emotional support or sense that these suicidal feelings you are having are getting the upper hand, you can call Befrienders South Africa. The people there will be happy to support you through your difficult times.

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